TWITCH's blog: "my stuff"

people are strange. for starters if u ask someone for their # and they DO give it to u, y would u not call them? or if u do call them and u start to talk often y would u just stop talkin to them? how does one get strong feelings for someone they have NEVER met? i dont get that at all. but if u find yourself feeling that and the person is like me and doesnt understand how u could feel like that, dont get mad. it doesnt mean they dont like u at all, it just means they are lookin at the facts. u dont know each other so how can u be in love? and dont get mad if they see someone they think are cute. thinking someone is cute doesnt mean yur gonna go fuck them the first chance u get. it is possible to think someone is cute and NOT b involved with them. nor does it mean we only want that cute person. i just dont get people. if u cant b honest or stright with me, move along.

on april 27 i moved to bad axe. three days b4 that me and mom snuck out on will. she said she was done with him. later that nite i saw shawn and he hit me up for 5$ (he owes me like 30) and he started tellin me, hit me up so we can hang b4 u leave. he kept coming up with excuses. day i was to leave, he tells me "call ill b up" he wasnt even home. i was hurt, all i was to him was $$ and a gurl to use. but as the miles between us grew i cared less and less. but i did still care. when i got here, i wrote him. its been almost two weeks and nothing. FUCK HIM!!! as ive said b4 i will NEVER regret him, but now i must move on. i then found out that 2 days after i left, mom went back to will. at first i didnt get it and thought "i cant worry about htat nemore its killing me". but then i realized that she did exactly whut she said she wanted to do, get me away. in the past, to scare my mom will told her that if she left he would come after me. and when i recently askd her y she stayed she said she wanted to make sure i was safe and somewhere he couldnt get me. then she would take care of herself. now that i am out of that picture, i can only pray that she survives and doesnt end up in jail. i cant do nething for her right now and that kills me, but i need to b able to take care of myself b4 i can even think aobut helpin someone else. being here hasnt been exactly peachy. i feel even more alone and i realize i left when i didnt need to, but im here i am, and probly for a while. then i started trading emails with punk again, which was nice cuz he's always sucha sweetheart to me. and his goofy ass can always make me alugh. we even talkd on th ephone,w hich hadnt happend in AGES (lol). but then i got "i gotta go ill call u back later". that was tues nite. now as much as id like to over-analize that, i wont. im tryin SO HARD not to b that person nemore. and i guess this is my first test. i jsut need to quit expecting things from people, and just concentrate on my lyfe. cuz its the only thing that i have ne control over.

last nite i was looking at some quotes & lyrics that ive written dowm and i think ive figured it out. the reason i fell for the guys i did was b/c they seem to b everything im not. popular, confident, wanted,.....etc. i guess i thought if i was with them i was a part of the lyfe i wanted. now i wouls still b apart of that lyfe, (have more friends and do crazier things) but i dont wanna get there just b/c im with somebody. id rather make it there by myself.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Current mood: accomplished i moved to get away. i thought i had to. i figured it was the only way i was gonna figure shit out and fix myself. i thought i needed to b alone. i thought i needed the silence. ive been here lil over a week now. I WAS WRONG. granted, i have figured a few things out. but for the most part i figured out, i didnt have to leave to fix shit. i just needed to quit listening to everyone else. i didnt have to go so far away to learn. i needed to cut myself off from the people that werent helping. the ones that were making shit worse, and making me question myself. i thought my lyfe was fuckd up beyond repair. but now i realize i instead of looking for others to change it I should have been the one changing it. but im starting to understand now and i belive ive cut out the ones that were hurting me. i belive i still have a ways to go b4 im me again, if thats at all possible. maybe i can only b a part of my former self. i dont know. i do know that when im done i WILL B HAPPY. i have to b. but i guess i wont really know until i get back in "my world" and have to b around those that hurt. and for now i just hope that when that day comes i will survive with a smile.

when we first met i was so excited.i couldnt belive someone so great was interested in me. the slightest touch from u sent a tingle through my body. when you bit my neck, i froze. i couldnt. belive how comfertable i felt with your arms around me.t hat kiss goodbye was so sweet. after that nite i made sure i was online every morning hoping you would atleast say hi. the gift you gave me made me the happiest i had been in a long time. just sitting with you on the couchwas so sweet. i nver thought you would actually ask me. altough it was weird for a min, i was so thrilled to b your g/f. just seeing you ALWAYS made my day brighter. going anywhere with you was always a trip :). that first (& only) nite we spend together was AMAZING. i loved just laying there in your arms. it was so nice to b wanted. but then i started to c and talk to you less and less/ then one day YOUR friend tells me that us beign together is a bad thing. the next day im told your talkin and tryin to fuck soem other gurl. i do the adult thing and ask u about it right away and instead of talking things out, you flip it around and make me feel like i did something wrong. i cried like a lil gurl those 2 days. then as if that wasnt bad enough, after i tell you i'll let it all go, YOUR friend tells me that your STILL married. it was as thought my whole world just crashed down around me. i couldnt belive you would lie like that to me. we had actually said I LOVE YOU to each other and this is how you treat me??? i guess it was all just words to u. now i dont want u to think you had to say it, hell we could have gone on forever with out saying it. for me actions me SO much more then words. but that too i let go, so we moved on and talked aobut me moving. time came and went and the BIG DAY arrived. and to my surprise, you NEVER showed. i called and got a "story" and was told you would call me back, that too never happend. i was so crushed. that someone i truly cared about would do that to me. now i cant say that there wasnt a part of me that didnt know it would happen, but i gave u the benefit of doubt. the thing that did truly surprise me was i didnt cry. not one single tear. i learned the next day that you had been spending your time with *****. THAT hurt. me being the native, stupid, lil gurl i am, i waited to hear from you all weekend. come monday morning i gave up. (btw, you should have never made a promise to my mother. THAT pissed me off. i figured you had already moved on, i should too so that nite i went to see ***** ( and jsut to let you know i spent the nite hanging out with him, the nite b4 i was supposed to move). now i have to admit that whut you did affected me, but i moved through the stages rather quickly. which i think is a very good thing. but i despised you for a while. you c your actions were only the start to the bad shit that i went through. c i quit my job b/c of YOU, which led to me being kicked out of the place i was staying. which led to me ending up in detroit again with my mom and her abusive drunk of a b/f. which led to him gettin pissed obut me being there. which led to me and mom seeking out to get away from him. which led to me not knowing where i was goin go. ALL THANKS TO YOU not being able to keep your word. but with out you i found a place to go and still got out of warren. so u c i CAN live without you. sure you made me feel better during some really fuckd up times, but YOU are the reason my lyfe took the quick nasty turn that it did. but with that said. i would like to THANK YOU. b/c if it wasnt for you pulling that bs, i would never had found out just how strong i am. and i NEVER would have been with ***** that nite and i would have never had that conversation with him that shed so much light on him and made me RESPECT him so much more. so i guess whut im tryin to say is without you coming in and leaving my lyfe like you did, i wouldnt have learned so much. and while it still irritates me to c you with another, i wish you the best, weather you stay with ***** or you work shit out with your wife. and i truly hope that your gurl never has to go through the shit that u put gurls trough, that i woundnt wish on anyone.

u know im gone for a couple days and when i finally get the chance to get back here whut do i find? NOTHING. now honestly for the most part it dont surprise me, but there are a couple people on here that i actually thought would contact me. but u know whut, i dont care nemore. ive started a new chapter in my lyfe. and from now on im not gonna let little shit worry me. and i realize now that i should have taken that adivce when it was given to me months ago. but i guess its better late thennvr huh? so if neone actually reads this and would like to keep in touch with me, sent me a msg and ill let u know how we can make that happen. to the rest, y do u keep coming to my page???? i really would like to know..........

there is a person on here that has blockd me and refuses to even talk to me. but yet he seems to find his way to my page AND reads these blogs. while i find it quite funny, mayb it will b the way i get my msg across to him. so if yur reading this (u should know who u are)i dont hate u, nvr did. im not mad. dont understand why u wouldnt atleast b a man and talk to me. but hey whuts done is done. i dont reget u, probly nvr will. i would LOVE to have a actually conversation with u one day, probly wont happen but hey. and as much as i dont get it i hope u and yur new gurl make it. or u work shit out with yur wife. which ever u choose. b/c as naive as u think i am, im not a hateful person and as much as u affected me, i am able to go on with my lyfe. and i want to thank u for this lesson and for lifting the guilt i felt for spending that nite with shawn. so if u ever feel like actually talkin to me feel free to send a msg. O and one more thing, will u PLEASE remove the silly lil personal comments i left on yur page? i mean the stupid ones i dont care bout but some of them should b deleted.

ok heres the deal. i wasnt talkin about being in a relationship. i was talkin bout weather or not i should stay in warren and take the job or move to bad axe and try to get a fresh start. and while id LOVE to stay aroung this area, (i have no fuckin clue y nemore) with the info i just got bout the job and the state that my lyfe is in i need the fresh start more. and TY *silent screamer* for making a very good point. i will hopefully get my shit together in bad axe and save up some cash and hopefully at that point i will b in a better place and i can come back to this area and get on with my lyfe

ok heres the deal. first i quit my job (long stupid story) then i got kickd out of where i was stayin, had to move back in with my mom and her drunk abusive bf. then yesterday we walkd out on him. and i was finalizing plans for me to move to bad axe. then this morning my mom calls talkin bout her job is gonna call me and i should start next monday. now i dont know whut to do b/c i told the person in bad axe is move up there this weekend. now im thinkin i should tell her that ill still come visit but i just cant stay. and the other thing is right now im stayin where i was b4 and im only supposed to b here til friday.....soooooo wtf am i to do now?????????????

i think ive finally reached the point in my lyfe that an end would b a pleasure. i opend up my lyfe to soemone and all he did was turn it into complete HELL. i dont understand y someone would wanna treat someone so shitty. the only thing i ever did to him was trust him. BIGGEST MISTAKE ive ever made. and now all i would like to know if there are ne honest people left int he world, cuz it seems like i cant even find one.