Ki's blog: "My Ramblings..."

(This is an important true story of my life I wish to share with you.)..:

I had met him around Sept 11th 2001- that should have been ominous enough. I was out dancing at my usual spot with my usual hommie- Nina. He was the first good looking white guy to ever dance with me- I usually get the dirty Mexican or the black guys all over me =( He was VERY good looking> tall, dirty blonde, clean cut. I wanted him. I kissed him! I hadn’t even known his name yet. WE exchanged numbers and went out on a date. Well...that date didn’t end up a one-night-stand. In December-of the same year- we moved in together. He was in the Army so the moving in and finances were easy. Month later I got pregnant....he was happy about it even though unexpected. I had a miscarriage in February. That’s when the darkness came. He as partier from the beginning...but nothing unusual for a just turned 21 year old. After the miscarriage he became an alcoholic. An abusive,violent,erratic drunk. I was the person who received all the verbal abuse...random strangers-men at nightclubs- became the pounding block. I attempted suicide many times....lost...depressed. Why didn’t I leave him? The same reason he didn’t leave me...fear of being alone maybe....who knows....

Things I remember him saying to me....haunt me

“You’re a worthless piece of shit"

"I feel sorry for the next motherfucker who comes along"

Etc...Etc... He would leave me places and I would have to walk miles back home, he had beaten up the only female friend I felt I could share with, he watched porno in front of me making comments (like why aren’t I more like that), he would degrade me in front of his friends, he would force himself on me sexually (certain positions), I would starve and then gorge on whatever meal we would finally get - mcdonalds, taco bell> causing the eating disorder I now have.

I tried to commit suicide at least 10 times...

 So what happned? Well I had been living in this hell with him for 1 year and a half....

It was Sunday I think...he was drinking and giving me the "eye"...the one that says  ”I just need one reason and I’ll get you"   Which is only the beginning. I had to take the laundry to the Laundromat to get started. He began "picking on me" by making comments about how all I do is stay at home...maybe I’m cheating on him, maybe I’m taking money from him and planning to run off with it, "I noticed you look at Ron a lot....is there’s something going on?".... I was shaking in fear b/c I knew nothing I said would matter....he would get his way. I told him I had to take the clothes...he took a big swig of his beer and said "This discussion is not over.... we'll continue it when u get back" ( the Laundromat was 2 bldgs down...it would take maybe 5 minutes).

Feeling scared I took the car down...knowing I should get back soon b/c making him wait was a bad idea. Sobbing the whole time I dropped the clothes of and drove back and parked in front of the apartment. Shaking...sobbing and at my wits end. I looked up at the windows,blurred vision and my heart lead my mouth "Dear Lord....if you truly exist...if you are...what people say you are....then I know only you can save me from this. I don’t care if he apologizes...I don’t care....I just want him to stop....let him be passed out when I go inside...anything...SAVE me. Please Lord...be true...be there....exist."

My 10 minutes were up...I knew it was time to go in....waiting in the car was not going to do anything. I went in ...Damn....he wasn’t passed out. He was glaring at me....I knew he could see that I had been crying. I went into the kitchen and started stirring something in a pot that I had been cooking. I felt him draw near me....he put his arm around my shoulder and quietly said "I'm sorry....I shouldn’t have acted that way."

The only thought in my head at that time?

It's true. HE exists. He showed me a miracle

Slowly over time... things started breaking away....he got discharged from the Army- b/c he's a moron- and moved to his hometown Dayton, Ohio. Whereas my life....I felt better....the minute I had prayed  I no longer felt like committing suicide....I knew there was something bigger and better,...and that God loved me enough to protect me. Of course we have free will and mine was dumber then a rock and stayed with him. God...separated us by 4 states. My heart was broken into a million pieces, I felt like I couldn’t breath.- but God knew what I needed to be rid of that guy...the only way I would give him up is if there was no other option but having to. I didn’t have the money to move out to Ohio with him....he didn’t really want me to anyways. The reality was we were like Romeo and Juliet- maddly,passionatly in love- yet tore each other apart and made each other monsters.

Shortly after that...I began searching for a church...I wanted to know more about this "GOD". I wanted to be a part of him...and him be a part of me. I wanted to follow him and be guided by him. Some would say that my little miracle was coincidence...or not enough proof. Perhaps for them....but for me.....I was IN it...and it WAS enough for me. It wasn’t easy...I stopped talking and seeing most my friends....mainly b/c of memories that they knew my ex, but also b/c I wanted to start a fresh new life, new friends.

It was a life change for a place in eternity.

I began going to Calvary Worship center....I had found a home. My heart began beating again....I am renewed.

I stand as a witness to the reason why people follow and believe in Christ. That God sent his only son so that he could REALLY understand us...so he could be on our human level....then Christ shared with any who would listen...he opened his heart full of love for the lowliest people to the rich, for the lost, for the people who felt an emptiness they could not fill....and then died for his beliefs, died for US so that we could see the visual representation that even though we are sinners....he swiped it clean.

It’s hard to believe in something so intangible....but I did

**This was written in 2003 and this experience is still with me...there are even days where I miss him.
It is now 2010 and things have changed. I'm still a believer...no circumstances can take that away, but I am not as stringent follower as I was once was. I believe in God, heaven and hell...but outside of that I’m going to live my life...the best i can. Shed tears and know that God is with me, when someone passes away I'll know God is with me. I'm basically a believer...living a non-believers life...