My story is that of a miracle. Never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed that the person, who would return my sense of hope, would be my own five-year-old daughter. This is my story.
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Another morning in the Aspen Mountains. Another morning I must face without her.
Ever since I lost my wife, Merry, it has been such an incredible burden to wake up every morning without her by my side. She died in a car crash. It had been sleeting that day, and the roads were slippery. She had been driving home to us, after a trip to the library to get some books. But the driver on the other side sped up, and his wheels skidded. He lost control of the vehicle, and my wife was hit head-on.
It is still a bit hard to talk about this, since it happened only three weeks ago, right after Thanksgiving. I remember that night clearly. I had been finishing up the dishes as Merry and our daughter, Hope, played around on the living room carpet. I remember smiling as Hope’s squealing from her mother’s merciless tickling drifted into the kitchen. Once I was done, I walked in to find them both gasping on the carpet, huge grins on both their faces, looking exhausted from so much laughing. I leaned against the doorway and just smiled down at the two most beautiful girls on the face of the earth. When Merry found me gazing down at them, she smiled at me-the familiar glint in her eyes. There was a sort of playful shine in them, and no matter what was going on, it was always there. It never died.
Suddenly, she got up and straightened herself, pulling Hope up with her. “I have to run to the library really fast, hon. Can you get Hope ready for bed for me?” She gave me her irresistible pout, making sure that I would not be able to refuse her. Not that I would have anyway- these girls were my life.
I nodded and gave her a quick kiss. Don’t be too long. We’ll both be waiting up for you.”
She laughed, the sound of which always made me shiver. Her laugh was what had made me turn around at the bookstore we had met.
“I won’t be gone too long. Just going to go get myself a new Christmas novel, and get some books for Hope. Do you want anything?”
I shook my head and smiled. “I’ll be happy to just read to you. I like the books you read.” She laughed at me as I winked at her.
“You are so silly.” She gave me a soft kiss. “I’ll be back soon.”
She gave Hope a quick hug, and kiss, then wrapped herself up in her jacket and scarf. As she head for the door, I heard her call back an “I love you,” before the door closed behind her.
After that, I took Hope upstairs, bathed her, and put her in the new pajamas that her mom had bought for her. They had little snowmen all over them, including a Santa here and there. I was brushing out her hair, when Hope asked, “Daddy, is mommy going to be here to tuck me in?”
I continued to brush out her hair, being really careful not to pull on the tangles. “Yes, baby. She should be here any minute.”
“Okay,” my daughter replied quietly.
When an hour and a half had gone by, I started getting worried. It wasn’t like Merry to stay so late- not at night. When half an hour later, I heard a knock on the door, I told Hope to stay put, and raced down the stairs, thinking that maybe Merry had left her keys inside. I opened the door quickly, not wanting to leave my wife out in the cold longer than necessary.
The surprised mist have been obvious on my face, as I saw two policemen standing in front of me, instead of Merry.
“Are you Mr. Mathers?” I nodded my silent reply. “Can we come in?” the man who seemed to be in charge, asked.
Before I could stop myself, I blurted out “What’s going on, officer?”
The officer’s face was grim, and I could tell somehow that he didn’t want to tell me what he knew he had to. “Please, Mr. Mathers, it’s cold outside. Let’s go and sit.” The commanding tone in his voice, though gentle, made me lead them into the living room. I motioned for them to sit down, and they did. I looked at them, urging them to tell me what was wrong. The officer that had not spoken yet, cleared his throat, and his partner took that as the moment to start talking.
“Mr. Mathers, I am here to talk to you about your wife, Merry Mathers…”
“What’s wrong? Where’s Merry?” I cut him off, wanting to know the state of my wife.
The officer looked at me, his eyes filled with pain and sympathy. “There has been an accident. Merry was hit head-on by a car that lost control. His wheels slid on a patch of ice. I’m sorry.”
If I had ever thought my world would turn on its axis, it would have been right then. My vision swam, and I fell against the cushioned back of the couch. I tried to ask myself questions in my mind, but one of them finally got out through my mouth. “ Is she…is she okay?” I looked up at the officer then, but he wouldn’t look at me.
“She died on impact, Mr. Mathers. She didn’t suffer.”
I realized as he told me that, what exactly he was trying to tell me. “She…she…no, she was just going to the library…she…”
The officer, seeing I was in obviously in shock, came over and tried to get me to focus by grabbing my shoulder firmly. “I am really sorry, Mr. Mathers.”
My eyes filled with tears, and I covered my face with my hands, whispering over and over “No, no, no, no…” The officer stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do. That was when I heard a small, innocent voice.
“Daddy? Where’s mommy?” I looked up and saw Hope standing there, in her Christmas pajamas, a look of foreboding and fear on her little face. I choked back a sob and motioned her to me. She walked over to me quickly, noticing that something was wrong. I held her tightly to me, and tried to get words out of my mouth, but I just couldn’t.
The officers decided then that they would take their leave. I think they said something about bringing back the stuff that was in the car, since the car itself had been damaged beyond repair.
Once they were gone, I looked at my daughter’s face and said, “Hope, there’s been an accident. Mommy won’t be coming home to tuck you in.”
There was a frown on her little face. “But she’ll be back for breakfast, right? We were gonna make pancakes for you…”
I shook my head and finally gave into the grief that had been sitting on my shoulders like a heavy block since the news had become clear to me. “No, honey. She won’t be coming back.”
When I said that, I think it finally got through to her what I was saying, because her beautiful green eyes, so much like her mother’s, clouded up with tears and welled over. I held her as she cried, and I cried for the both of us.
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The funeral was the worst part. I wasn’t used to seeing all my friends and family dressed in black during this time of year. Hope herself was dressed in a black dress. I had never seen her dressed in it, and protested greatly when her grandmother bought it for her. It wasn’t the color I wanted her in.
After the funeral, I kept getting calls from people, asking me how I was holding up. I got mad after a while; and when they asked if they could help with anything, anything at all, I asked them if they could bring my wife back in a snappy tone; and when they didn’t answer, I just hung up.
My life had all gone down the drain. There was no more laughter in my house. Hope herself had grown quiet and reserved. She kept to her room, except when I called her down to eat. Even her sleep had become troubled. She would start screaming and crying for her mom in her sleep. I would go and hold her, and stay with her until her nightmare passed- sometimes bringing her to my bed, so that she would have the safety of my arms.
I thought that things would never change, until one day at dinner Hope spoke up.
“Do angels exist, daddy?”
My head snapped up. I had grown unaccustomed to talk at the dinner table. In fact, we didn’t talk much at all.
“Uh…” I didn’t know what to say to that, since I had stopped believing in God and everything else. “I guess there could be. Why do you ask?”
Hope looked at me sheepishly. “Last night, when I looked at mommy’s picture, I saw her. And she talked to me. She told me she didn’t want me crying. And to tell you that she loves you.”
I didn’t know what to say. I know that one of my family member had said something about death affecting small children in different ways- sometimes they saw things, things that we knew were just hallucinations.
“Honey, you couldn’t have seen your mommy. Your mommy is dead,” I said it in such a deadpan voice, that I saw Hope flinch.
“Mommy told me you would say something like that. She told me to tell you not to lose your hope.”
“Finish your dinner, Hope. It’s getting late.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As Christmas came closer, I put up a brave front for Hope. Although she had just lost her mother, I saw her getting a bit happier and excited about Santa leaving her presents. Even though all I wanted to do was sulk, I had to be a bit cheery for the only person that mattered now.
I had noticed that Hope had been saying prayers before bed, and the nightmares had stopped. I was glad, though that didn’t stop me from bringing her to my room to sleep. It gave me comfort as much as it did her. On Christmas Eve, she got down on her knees at the foot of the bed, and looked up at me expectantly.
“Daddy!” she said, giving me a stern look.
“What, honey?” I asked, a bit distracted.
“Come pray with me.” The pleading look on her face made me get on my knees beside her, and put my hands together. As she started to pray, I looked at her; her eyes closed, as she put her whole energy into the short prayers her mom had taught her.
“Amen,” she said in a little voice.
“Amen,” I echoed.
She then crawled up onto the bed, and got out the books that sat on a shelf on her mother’s side. On the shelf lay the books that Merry had checked out the night of the accident. When the library heard about it, they decided to let us keeps the books, out of sympathy. Hope grabbed one of those books and put it on my lap.
“Read it to me, daddy.” She cuddled up to me, and settled in for a story. Reluctantly, I looked at the cover of the book, and read the title. “The Christmas Angel.” I read the story to her, from front to back.
After Hope fell asleep, I tucked her in on her side, and went and grabbed the book that Merry had gotten for herself that night. At that moment, I decided I was going to read it. As I started reading the book, I realized it was one of those sappy love stories she loved to read so much. My sight got all blurry, as I remembered all the times that I had read such stories to her. I couldn’t deal with it, so I set it down and went to sleep, crying silently, so as not to wake my little darling.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“Daddy! Daddy, wake up! Santa left us presents!!”
I groaned as I felt Hope jumping on the bed. I opened my eyes and yawned, turning over. “Ten more minutes, sweetie.”
“Daaaaaaaaaaaad! Get up! There’s even a present for you!!”
That got my attention. I hadn’t bought anything for myself. I turned back over and looked at Hope. She smiled mischievously. “ I checked. There’s one for you.”
I finally got myself out of bed and into the kitchen, to make our traditional cups of hot chocolates. I set out three mugs, then realized what I was doing, and put one back. Hope ran around, trying to get me to go into the living room already.
“I’m coming, I’m coming!” I muttered.
When I came into the living room, Hope was looking down at the tree and all the gifts around it. There was one particular one, a tiny little box that she extended to me.
I smiled at her. “Open one of yours first, honey.” She grinned at me and opened a few gifts before looking at me, sitting on the floor beside her.
“Your turn, daddy. Open it.”
I looked down at the small package in my hand and unwrapped it, discovering a little jewelry box inside. I opened it and was surprised to find a silver chain, with a picture of Hope and Merry with their arms around each other, both smiling. I closed it, and looked at what was engraved on the front of it- a single word:
Hope.
As I looked up in surprise at my daughter, she called to me from the window. “Dad! Look!”
I walked over to where she was and looked out at the falling snow and the mountains behind it. At the base of the forest that touched the edge of our property, stood Merry, in a flowing white dress that fluttered around her with the wind. She smiled up at us. Hope waved, and Merry blew a kiss and waved back. I looked at her, amazement showing on my face. Her eyes glinted at me, the way they always had. It never died. As I touched the window and whispered her name, a gust of wind blew, and Merry was carried away with it.
Hope looked at me with a smile on her face. “You see, daddy? Angels do exist!”
I picked her up and squeezed her tightly, kissing her cheek softly, “You were right, honey.”
“Never lose faith, dad. Faith never dies.” She smiled.
“Faith never dies. And neither does love.”
