One act play
The Nuclear
East London; within earshot of the church bells at Bow. A nuclear sub (English pub), early evening.
Players:
Angus-older fella
Nigel- older fella
Connor-young bloke
Neil-young bloke
Braden- man at the bar
Andrew- man at the bar
Stanley- drunk Scot sitting at the bar
Bartender
Waitress
Door to the pub opens widely, two young men in their mid twenties storm in laughing and carrying on. They sit at the end of the bar. Two older fellas sit at a table; they are regulars to the establishment. They watch the young men.
Connor: Let me buy ya a pig, me old china! (Let me buy you a beer my friend)
Neil: I’ll take an Andy Pandy on the rocks. (brandy on the rocks)
Connor: Waitress, hey bird, come here
The waitress is on the phone, ignores the young men
Connor: She just keeps rabbiting (talking) on the dog and bone (telephone). I want me drink!
The men hears the waitress laugh
Connor: I don’t Adam and Eve it, (I don’t believe it) does she even notice us, Neil?
Neil: Yells at the waitress Yer ‘avin a giraffe there birdie? (You having a laugh there girlie)
The men laugh at each other
Waitress hangs up the phone and heads over to the young blokes
Waitress: Ok you Angus MacGyvers (skiver-loafers), what can I get ya?
Connor: A pint of apple fritter (bitter beer) darlin, make that two, me mate and I are celebratin’. Oh, and my friend here wants an Andy Pandy (brandy) on the rocks.
Waitress leaves
Neil: She’s a right air gunner (stunner) don’t ya think Connor?
Connor: Yeah, she’s a beaut, but my cheese and kisses (girlfriend) would have my fife and drum (ass) if I was lookin at other birds.
Connor has a sad look on his face
Neil: Dry away those Britney Spears (tears). You gotta turn that James Brown upside down (frown). What we celebratin’?
Connor turns to Neil with excitement
Connor: Oh yeah, me lemon curd (girlfriend) went to the doc today. We had a bit of a scare. She’s on the Jack and Jill (the pill) now. We heavenly bliss (kiss) all the time and the posh (sex) is anchor spreadable (incredible), but we ain’t ready for no pups, you know what I mean?
Neil: Too lish, me old fruit (chum) to Irish (true).
The blokes are laughing with each other. Scene moves to the table with the older fellas.
Bartender comes into the bar, returning from the postmaster
Bartender: (shivers as he comes in) It’s a bit George and Zippy (cold) out there tonight. I think I will have a cup a java to warm my bones.
Angus sees the bartender walk by and calls to him
Angus: Hey mate, can you have yer little beaut come by to take my order
Bartender: I’ll send her right out to ya
Angus turns to Nigel
Angus: I feel barry (rough). Me Belinda’s (hemorrhoids) given me jip t’day!
Nigel begins to chuckle
Angus: You’re ‘avin a belt buckle (chuckle) eh? Shut yer bib and brace (face)!
Nigel: Sorry there, me old china (mate), didn’t have a didgeridoo (clue) that it was that bad for ya. (Gives Angus a sorrowful look)
Angus: Bollocks! No worries mate!
Nigel: That’s ok; I had a touch of the Arabians (shites) last night.
The two fellas begin to laugh together
Angus: So Nigel, how did you get away from the plate and dishes (missus) tonight?
Nigel: told her the truth, mate. Just goin dahn the bath (pub) for a couple o’ pigs (beers)
Angus: How long you been cut and carried (married)?
Nigel: I’ve been her pots and pans (husband) forever.
Waitress comes to the table
Waitress: What can I get ya fellas?
Angus: I’ll have a Charlie (steak); well done please my dear
Nigel: I’ll have the same, with a piece of Isle of Skye (pie) on the side.
Waitress: Comin right up luvs.
Waitress leaves the table
Angus and Nigel staring while she leaves
Angus: You see those bacon and eggs (legs) on that bird?
Nigel: Yeah, nice bacon bits even (breasts)
Angus: You off your bacon (mind)! Nigel, your bag for life (wife) will have your outings (balls) in a sling for eyeing other ladies.
Nigel: I don’t give an Anylesbury Duck (f@#$). I got to go for a gypsy’s (piss) back in a mo.
Angus: I like ya Plymouth Argyle (style).
Nigel leaves the table. Scene moves to the bar; two young men watching the telly (TV)
Braden: Yeah! That goal was Anchor Spreadable (that goal was incredible)
Andrew: What’s the ali mate (the score)?
Braden: England 2, Brazil 0, yeah!!!
Andrew: Hey, we gonna get Al Caponed (stoned), tonight?
Braden: No, I gotta dash after the game, got an After Eight later (got a date)
The game comes to a finish
Braden: Great game!!! Plenty of Camillas (goals)!
Andrew: Well, we got the Olympics coming in to town.
Braden: It’s going to cost 2 yards (2 billion pounds) and they can’t even repair the pothole in the road outside my drum and brass (house).
Andrew: At least there will be fit birds here.
Braden: It’s the Olympics; half the women have no bits (tits), and the other half look like shaved bears.
Andrew: What about the Russians, Aussies and the Chinese?
Braden: So no change there then.
They both laugh.
Andrew notices Braden’s hair and clothes
Andrew: Look at your barnet (haircut), council cut it for yer?
Braden: Yeah, and I bought a new pair of churches (shoes) and some nice Doogie Howsers (trousers). Got to look good for tonight.
Andrew: Fancy a gold watch (scotch whiskey) before you leave?
Braden: No, thanks for the Frank and Pat (chat), now I need my AJ Hackett (jacket) and my Fergals (car keys). Got to get an Andy McNab (cab) home.
Braden goes to leave and Andrew stops him
Andrew: Hey mate, I’m a bit low on the Arthur Ashe (cash). Ye think ya can catch my tab?
Braden: Sure thing, I’ve got a monkey in my skyrocket (I have 200 pounds in my pocket). You catch it the next time bud.
Andrew: I’m so boracie (broke) I can’t even pay me Burton (rent).
Braden: Stop Barry Brownin (frowning). Put a roof on your boat (a smile on your face). Things will get better for ya.
Andrew: I could do with some soot (sleep). I’m gonna take a ball of chalk (walk) home and go up the apples and pears to get a bit of spatchka. (up the stairs to get some sleep)
Braden: See’s you fish ‘n’ taters mate. (Laters)
Braden and Andrew leave the pub, scene moves back to Connor and Neil. Connor is coming back from the toilet.
Connor: Man, don’t go in that gent (toilet), there’s a right Judy in there (Judy Dench-stench).
Neil: Awwh, that’s a bit Jodie Marsh (harsh) mate! Laughs a bit
Sirens are heard from outside
Connor: The gathers (cops) are around tonight.
Neil: Oh they’re probly lookn for old Frank Shepard. He’s been out apple bobbing (robbing) again.
Connor: Yeah, he’s a real ball and bat (twat), a right bread an’ butter (nutter).
Neil: So Irish (true)
Connor: I need to go for a fag (cigarette). Care to join me?
Neil: Do the Jimmy Connor’s, mate. (honours)
Connor and Neil leave the pub
Scene moves to the older fellas
Angus: I’m barb wired (tired). I’ll be coming down to the nuclear for Brandys tomorrow, you want to come? (To the pub for lunch)
Nigel: Same time, same place.
Nigel: Well, I’m off for an Ann Frank (wank). Cheers Angus.
Angus: Cheers Nige.
Next evening; Stanley, the drunken Scot sitting at the bar, starts making passes at the waitress.
Stanley: What’s the latest rex, love? (gossip)
Waitress: Sit here long enough hun and you will see.
Stanley: (leans over the bar) C’mon me turtle, give me an ‘eavenly (kiss)
Waitress: Sorry Stan, I’m needed at that mable (table) over there.
Waitress walks by Stanley and swats her on the arse.
Scene moves to Andrew and Braden walking into the bar, Braden’s head hanging low.
Braden: I’ve got such a bad Ben Dover (hangover).
Andrew: Eh? How was the after eight (date) last night?
Braden: Oh, she had beautiful minces (eyes) and a great pair of bacon and eggs (legs), but when we went back to my drum and brass (place), no posh (sex), just a kiss on my hide and seek (cheek).
Nigel and Angus overhear this conversation and invite the men over to their table.
Angus: Hey luv, I’ll have a large plate of jockey’s (chips) and a round of kitty litter (beer) for these chaps.
Waitress: Do you want any Air Force (sauce) on yer chips?
Angus: Yes darling, that would be splendid.
Waitress leaves the table. Angus and Nigel turn to the young blokes
Nigel: So was she a rat with a wig on (ugly woman) or a salad dodger (overweight)?
Braden: Oh, no sir. She was a fine bird. I’m afraid she was up on blocks (menstruating) and wasn’t fancy’in any fun and games.
All the men except Braden laugh
Braden: You all think you’re so bloody Easter Bunny (funny)
Braden: (angerly) All my life people have taken me for a garden tool (fool), not anymore. Stick it up yer aris (ass)!!!
Braden stands up and pushes his chair to the side, ready to leave
Nigel: Don’t you orange and pear at me (swear). Just trying to give you some advice there bloke.
The men sit and drink the evening away until they all decide it is time to depart.
Angus: What the time on the hickory? (clock)
Nigel: (coughing) This cough is killing me pants and vest (chest). Oh, ‘bout 1:30am.
Braden stands up and wobbles to the side
Angus: Whoa- he shouldn’t be driving! He’s bloody elephants (drunk)!!!
Nigel looks at Andrew
Nigel: Do us a cheesy, flag down a flounder (cab) for you mate. He needs a bit of sooty (sleep).
Braden hears the old fella say this and starts to shake his head no.
Braden: No, I’m gonna go have a slash (piss) then go find myself an oily rag (prosititute) for the night.
The bartender walks by and Braden grabs his arm.
Braden: Sorry mate, where’s the Kermit? (toilet)
Before the bartender can answer, Braden gets sick.
Bartender: Hey, get him out of here; he’s a bit spotted (dick-sick).
Braden: Ah, just one more tiddley wink (drink) and I’m off.
Andrew: No, mate, let’s get you back to your bass (place) and call it a night.
Braden grabs Andrew by his shoulders
Braden: drunken slur Hey what’s wrong with your hale and pace (face)? I see two of ye!!
Scene quickly moves to the pub door; Connor and Neil walk in upset.
Connor: Hey brother, I didn’t know that nuclear was a milky way (gay)
Neil: Well, we shouldn’t have listened to that bloke from Canterbury Tales (Wales). He probably fancied that drum and bass (place) every chance he gets.
Connor: Awwhh, that bloke is a bit bale of hay (gay). He wanted to put his jazz bands (hands) on my three card trick! (dick)
Neil: Yeah that Ringo (Starr-bar) is full of Perry Comos. (homos)
Connor: Just thought we’d find a new bath (tub-pub) to dodge (and swerve-perv-look at girls). Ain’t into lookin’ at fellas.
Neil: Oh, my jelly’s (phone) is vibrating, I better answer…
Braden topples over Neil and Connor as he tries to exit the bar. Connor pushes Braden off of him
Connor: Get off me you bloody pissed bugger!
Nigel and Angus come over to help the men up off the floor
Nigel: Sorry there mate, this chap has had to many tiddleys tonight.
Braden: Aw, you’re just a deep fat fryer! (liar) That geezer is a right jam roll. (arsehole). He just sit on his kingdom (bum) all day. He’s lyin’ through his ollie reath! (teeth)
Nigel: Don’t get lemon (smart) wiv me son!
Angus: Ok, ok let’s get all sorted (settled) and get back to the abel (table) and order a round of ship. (pint of ale) Waitress! We need a round of sinks. (drinks)
Scene moves to the waitress and Stanley at the bar
Waitress: Coming right over!
Stanley: You lookin’ lovely tonight me old briney. (darlin) Where you been all my nelly? (life)
Waitress: Hiding from you.
Stanley: Come and give us a nice mix and muddle (cuddle)
Stanley moves to give the waitress a hug and falls off his barstool
Waitress: Stan, I’m gonna go give these chaps their round and I’m gonna call you a smash (and grab- cab).
Stanley: As long as you join me my little turtle. (dove-love)
Waitress: Maybe next time you old nutter. (crazy)
Stanley: You ain’t a three wheel trike (lesbian) are ye?
Waitress: disgusted look on her face: No! I’m not a Magnus. You sober up and I’ll show you I ain’t west end. (Magnus and west end referring to lesbian)
Stanley: excited look on face: Ok darlin’, I’ll be waitin’ for you after your shift.
Waitress heads to Nigel and Angus’ table
Waitress: Here you go my old chinas, can I get ya anything else?
Angus: Oh no love, we’re fine. Just getting these fellas sorted, that’s all.
Waitress: Well, you all can do me a cheesy. Ole Stan needs a lift home, can any of ya give him a bee? (hive-drive)
Nigel: Yeah, I think my jam jar (car) will be filled up tonight. Nigel, Angus and the waitress laugh. Waitress leaves the table.
Nigel: Ok, my old fruit, let’s get you lot home without getting the grasshoppers (coppers) involved.
Angus: Same time, same place tomorrow night Nige?
Nigel: Yep, just another night down here at the nuclear. (pub)
The End
