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Disconnected

So yeah.. related to my last post.. I have been feeling rather disconnected the last few days. On the outside looking in, longing but not knowing how to reach out for it. You know.. How do you approach a submissive you are interested in? well it doesn't matter anyways, cause I cant do it like 90% of the Dominant people out there.. thats not me. I'm Old Guard, but also soft and sweet.. i smile a lot and laugh.. I refused to form an image that was contrary to who i am.. and I am kind.. thats all there is to it, I'm kind.. even if I'm fucking twisted and evil.. -grins- so when I was always approached it was either I let them know i was willing, by kneeling at their feet.. or they said 'your mine.' and I said ok.. but the world feels more complicated now.. its no longer 'PC' to go up to some one you like.. and who seems genuinely interested in you.. and say 'your mine.' then your considered one of those foolish newbies who thinks every submissive in their general location, is theirs. I certainly don't. Now the claiming of a sub, is a very private afair.. even the letting know the interest.. I've got about 6 interests right now.. though none of them are what I'm really looking for (See post one) and I think they know it.... if not they need to re-read it and read between the lines.. only so much can be publicly said.. though if they don't have the capacity to reason it out, thats fine.. they can ask me and i will tell them.. with a disclaimer.. not being a genius doesn't make you less emotionally/mentally attractive.. Ok, WTF.. twice i tried to write about this, and twice the topic just shifted to something else entirely.. rambling on segue and non-sequiter.. so where was i going? I am feeling emotionally disconnected from everyone.. everything.. and also feeling frustrated from social friction due to this.. I don't like feeling this way.. but i dont know how to 'reconnect'. perhaps thats what i need to do.. emotionally connect with some one.. ah well... back to my thoughts all alone in my giant universe within my tiny skull.
Last night I was playing Truth or Dare, and I was asked a truth.. to paraphrase.. 'what is your favorite fantasy' or something of the sort.. I dont have many fantasies, and what i do have, i rarely think of in ranking.. i have some that are more desirable than others.. but, my brain went to one of my odder 'fantasies'. or maybe not odd, just, not exactly a fantasy. because this is something i see as a general necesity.. this is what i need in a slave. I have only been really Dominant for 2 years or so.. though ive practiced BDSM for nearly 14 years.. so though i may be very experianced.. i never really asked me what i wanted.. so here it is in the form of prose. --- what i want: A woman of sound mind and body. She must want what to change, to be something else.. but i would prefer her not to want it because she hates what she is now, but if it must be I will put out the effort to heal that self hatred. She does not have to be 'beauiful' she does not have to be 'thin' she does not have to be the ideal perfection. but she must be honest, she must be dedicated, and she must know herself. She will become my project, my masterpiece, my art, my slave, my property, and my gift. I will learn her body as if it were my own.. I will know every inch of her, inside and out.. I will know where to touch to get what response i want.. and where to hurt to punish or guide. I will learn her heart, knowing her needs and whims, knowing what she desires, and encorporate those needs and wants in to my final project. I will learn to tug on her heart strings, as if plucking an angelic harp, vibrating her emotions to her core. I will learn her mind, as if my own, I will know every fear, interest.. I will learn what she knows, and I will learn to teach her, train her, guide her, and punish her.. I will know every drak nich within her, every secret, every fantasy and horror. She will then give to me, her heart, her mind, and her body. With such, I will change her, I will remake her, I will take what she was born and what she grew up to be.. shatter it, crush it, melt it, reform it. She will embrace the journy we both will take.. and she will devote her life to it, me, and herself. We will spend the next stage in our lives, growing together, while i remake her, guiding her growth.. weather it takes a year.. a decade.. or untill the day we die. To her I will devote my energies, an my life.. and when we have concluded.. she will have free choice over herself once more.. including the choice to stay. --- and there you go.. that is what i want.. and perhapse I shall be forever unfulfilled.. but, i accept that, I take 'lesser' properties, care for them, and love them.. but they arnt my 'masterpiece' then there is also the situation.. that i am very much a sadist.. so this person must accept pain as part of daily life.. and as a good thing.. i would punish through emotional means.. not through physical pain.. that would be neutral.. not reward or punishment.. simply pleasuring their Owner. -sits back down and thinks-
Alot of people wish to belong.. I'm not much different. I want to feel part of the clique, one with the crowd.. but I cant, I grew up as an outsider. Lived on a farm away from everyone.. then when i got to school, i didnt really care for the other kids much. Then when family broke up, moved ot the city and became a true outsider, a lone wolf in the extreme. I got in to fights every day cause i was in some one elses territory, and I didn't 'belong' there. then I was introduced to BDSM quite abruptly and not entirely by choice.. and became a slave for the next 10 years, off and on through different owners. Well that didn't help with the clique thing either.. when in the locker room, people bragging about losing their virginity when you know they are all lying.. and you could explain in explicit detail to each one, how much of a superficial moron they were.. -chuckles- the same thing echoed all through my life.. I'm a lone wolf.. even when i belonged to some one else.. it either ended with them getting bored with my submission and throwing me away, or me turning on them and dominating them cause they were fucking morons.. (ahhh switch tendencies!) well then couple years back, i turned Dom full time, and never really looked back.. I may not belong in a group, or to anyone.. though i am head of household for my rather large family.. some people belong to me.. can belong to me.. my territory.. property.. mate.. what have you.. (already got this wolf trend going eh? why change it!) but in society, i still don't belong.. I feel like im surrounded by people with superficial lives, though i know, only a few years back i had similar interests.. but i 'out grew' (got bored with?) those interests.. so I really cant relate anymore. I know what I want, as of the other day.. (though i had a general idea before hand) that sets me apart even further, most people i know don't even have a partial clue what the fuck they want at any age. as my 'job' (completely unpayed) I'm a teacher, whatever some one needs to learn, I teach.. I'm pretty good with it too.. opening peoples hearts and minds, giving them a fresh breath of air... though of course it only works if they come to me.. prolly cause i have no real interest in trying to teach a stranger. though i do randomly spout bits of this or that.. some times wisdom, some times opinion, often times fact and drivel. as my play.. I like something stimulating and cerebral.. the pleasures of the flesh bore me to tears.. I got sick of sex before I was 18.. and the only times these days that i enjoy physical pleasure, is when it stimulates responses.. or to use it as a key to another door, emotional or mental. I have deft skill with it... but this too sets me apart, look at our community here, so many people with so many interests.. a great place.. but much of it, is still, just about finding a mate.. the primal urge to reproduce... and I'm not saying I've surpassed that.. hardly, i still once in a while feel it.. but its pretty quiet these days.. I'd probably do best with an asexual girl who isn't opposed or afraid of sex.. just un-interested in it for its sake... but then again, it wouldn't be as useful of a tool if it didn't do much for her.. there is no way i could fulfill a girls sexual desires constantly and still keep a Dominant stance.. its not that i would submit.. but the attitude would be bout me pleasing her.. which is a good thing of course.. but that attitude gets away from the Dominant perspective i have.. pleasuring her is part of it.. but not the goal..its just a necessary ingredient.. when it becomes the focus of the relationship the dynamics change completely. boy do I ramble some times -chuckles- back to the topic i had started with...i cant relate to anyone on here usually unless its a submissive i have interest in.. or a friend who sortof understands where i am coming from. I don't get in to the fun and games they have usually, they just don't interest me, so I don't garner the friendship like others.. Some think I'm strange.. my bubbly attitude on top of a genderfucked body doesn't usually equal Dominant in their eyes.. I could change my personality, but that would just be roleplaying to fit in, I had enough of that in school and it would be a lie.. So I guess in the end, I'll sit on the sidelines and try to spot an interest, and hope they look twice unlike most people do... I am so not a conventional Master.. but then again, I'm not looking for a conventional Slave.. hell, Id probably do better looking for a Gorean slave and pulling them out of Gor. Might take a bit of time and effort to heal them of whatever problems they developed as a gorean slave, but the kind of girls who are drawn to Gor.. in another light would be the kind I am looking for... before some idiot gets ahold of them.

Starcraft II

Ohhh shit... ninety nine cent pickle! >.> Starcraft... two... -faints, gets up, dances for joy, faints again, then froths at the mouth for a while while having a seizure- i played Starcraft for 6 years.. before finally getting bored with it.... and now its back... there goes my life :P damn you blizzard, damn you..

Holy Shit O.o;;

Most Diabolical Super Mario Mod Ever Now with commentary... omg, you will shit yourself laughing
alright, if anyone knows the song sandstorm.. they will be like 'wtf?!' i ran across this just a few minutes ago.. and had to share it... so here it is..


Darude - Sandstorm

Lyrics?!

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dundun dun dundundun dun dun dun dun dun dun dundun dundun BOOM dundun dundun dundun BEEP dun dun dun dun dun dun dun BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BOOM daddaddadadsadadadadadadadadadaddadadadadadaddadadaddadadadadadadadadadadadaddadddadaddadadadd dadadadaddaddada d dadadddaddadaddadadadddadadada nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nnyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo nnn nn nn nn nn nn n nn nnn nn nn nnn nnn nnnnnnnn dddddddd ddadadadadaddadadadadadaadadadadadad BOOM nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM nyunyunyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu BOOM BOOM BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP dadadadadada ddadad BOOM BOOM BBEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BOOM (Unintellgibile) ddudndundun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dund dododododododododododododododododododododododododododododoodo DRUM DRUM DRUM ddodododododoododododododododoodododododododo chi chi chi chi chi chih BOOOM chcihcihfkdhfdisjfkla dodododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododododoo SCHEW dododododododoodododododododododododododo dadadadddudndundundudnudndundundunddunfudnundudnudnudndund BOOM FADE

Dragon Fear Aura

Well im fucked.. -snerks- Most dragons have a "Fear Aura"... i dont.. I have some sort of strange Dragon Magnetism.. i draw people to me, they lust after me.. untill finally their mind screams at them loud enough that "THIS ISNT RIGHT!" or some such.. i still havnt figured out why people run screaming.. it always works out almost the same. from a day.. to a week.. they are interestd in me.. they find me intriguing.. Then they "Fall" for me.. either its love, or lust, dont know. then a few days later, when their head 'clears' enough.. or that thought finally trickles through the other emotions... and they 'wake up' in bed with a dragon.. and scream... then run. a few people, find that waking up in bed with a dragon is a wonderful thing... but for the most part, its run screaming time.
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