RayvensHope's blog: "my ramblings"

sometimes i feel like im cursed and now i feel like its gettin passed on to those im close to. im finally gettin to the point im happy with where my life is going but now the people im close to have some bad sh*t happenin to them i wish i knew what to do how to help how to make it all go away i dont have the right words to say and im afraid of sayin the wrong thing i just want those close to me know im here for them if they ever need an ear to listen a shoulder to cry on or someone to go out and get wasted with so we can forget whats goin on in the real world i worry that everything thats goin good for me will disappear and ill be all alone again i guess thats just my insecurities kickin in

The last few months have been torture for my family. My cousin who lives out of state was pregnant with twins. She has a bad heart and shouldnt have been pregnant. She found out early in the pregnancy that one of the twins was not devolping right. The doctors said he'd never survive. Well 4 weeks ago she delivered both twin. Last week they took the sick twin, Caleb off of life support and he died. After he died his twin Mason took a small turn for the worst but miracle of miracles he went home today and is doing fine.

where is my life going? i wish i knew i thought i did then he walked away for someone new i thought i was happy and content but i know see i wasnt why cant i just get over it? why is it taking this long? why cant i find someone else to prove to me he was wrong? am i that useless? am i that bad? am i that ugly? what did i do wrong? why do i have to feel so unworthy? why does it have to hurt this way? would anyone even notice if i was gone? would anyone care? would you notice if i was no longer here? you dont know me i dont know myself anymore my medications work to make me seem happy but i dont think i really am dont tell me im wrong dont tell me itll be ok let me have my thoughts my doubts words mean nothing actions mean everything i hear the words people say but their actions tell me differently which am i to believe? words or actions? actions speak louder than words but words you know what they mean actions can be deceiving id rather be hated for who i am than to be loved for who im not