I just got home from the mall , was supposed to get a new tattoo today but alas .. he wasn't there .. Dammit !!.. Oh well guess i'll get it later in the week if i have a babysitter *fuck josh that bastard LoL*...N-E wayz ..
Since Edd and i , *broke up, took a break , seperated...what the fuck ever* i've seen him 4 times , talked to him a few times .. and each time its the same thing.. we're all cool and shit then one of us has to be retarded and bring this mess up .. I'm all about lets work it out , u can't do it alone .. blah blah if u love someone u support them no matter what , and yes i'm willing to wait for him as long as it takes i suppose , He on the other hand is saying that .. He's inlove with me and wants to be with me but this is the only way this can work and we can be better in the future .. for him to be on his own , and us to go back to the way we used to be *friends / friends with benefits ...* and then he comes out with the , Theres no guarantees that we'll get back together .. Well then why the fuck is he bringing up the Future of us ??? .. I think hes trying to convince himself that this is the right thing , more than hes trying to convince me of it ..
I've told him i can't go in reverse .. i'm inlove with him , no i can't just turn that off and hangout and have sex and then do it with someone else.. Helloooooo i'm a grownup .. and when ur inlove , u can't do that , its just not possible , been there done that , bought all the swag that comes with it .. and its NOT WORTH IT! .. Not physically , not Emotionally .. I want to be his friend truely i do .. but i can't be just that , not now .. maybe not ever .. and he doesn't seem to understand this , He wants me to do what i have to do , but if i do .. he'll lose me forever , and there will be no turning back and thats something i dont know i can do .. for years i was always like "I do NOT give second chances ", and here i am going against what i've always done in the past , to get to the goal i wish to achieve .. and i'll continue to exist in this miserable existance untill i can't do it anymore and i have no choice but to walk away ..and if and when that day comes , my life will never be the same ..
When he asked me why i can't just be friends .. i tried to explain it like this .. If u were born w/o a limb .. and u lived most of ur life w/o it .. and u were ok with it , and suddenly u had one , and u finally felt complete , and then it was ripped off of you , Could u handle it ? Would you WANT to go back to being less than what you were ?? Thats how i feel w/o him , a piece of me is missing , a very vital piece that came alive in me when we met ,and its suddenly gone again ,So yes i'm depressed and yes i'm vulnerable .. But im trying to get from one day to the next hoping that it'll get a lil easier to exist without him in my life its been 2 weeks which may not seem like much time , but after 13 months of sleeping in his arms , feeling his strength around me during whatever emotional or physical crisis i had to face it hasn't gotten easier .. if anything its even more difficult with each passing day , and yet i still think of him as the person i'm supposed to spend my life with .I told him yesterday that the only other time i was actually truely inlove , i had no choice in the matter of ending because my beloved had died , ripped away from me at such a young age , and i was able to move past it because there was no seeing him again , there was no *hope to get back together , i didn't have to face the possiblity of never seeing him again , never holding him again because that desicion was made for me and it took many years b4 i could face loving someone again , and here it all goes again w/o the death part ...,But i'm willing to stick it out for now i suppose because Hell we both had dreams of eachother for years b4 we met .. i had them b4 he was even born .. So apparently we were supposed to find eachother .. and all those dreams were of us being together for a very long time .. I had a dream of my own death and he was the one there holding my hand .. Letting me know it was safe to move on .. anyway enough of my ranting .. and moaning .. All i have to say is this , living life w/o him isn't living at all its existing and its a piss poor existance !
Guess i'll just have to keep piercing and tattooing myself untill the pain eventually goes away
