*This blog is not directed toward anyone specific.*
I have so many pent up frustrations! I think that it's time to let it all out before someone that does not deserve it catches it... I am so sick of bullshit. I don't like to be treated like I'm less than what I truly am. I am a person and I have real and honest feelings. When someone hurts my feelings about things that they say, yes, it truly does hurt me, but yet I do not let on that it does. I do not want to let anyone know that they are getting to me. But right now, this isn't about anyone, this is about in general... So if you are reading this and feel like it might be directed toward you, it's not. Not everything is about you. This is about me and my anger, hate, and frustrations. I have a burden that I carry and I believe that it is time to get it out. I've tried going to counseling. It only pisses me off.
I know where it comes from. I bottle up everything. Well, this time the bottle got shaken and it's time to blow! I have a lot of pent up frustrations. I don't say anything because I like to think that I am a nice person and giving someone the benefit of the doubt. I'm sick of people assuming that I'm such an asshole because I reject them. Yes, you are damn straight, I am an asshole. I have no problems admitting to it. But why am I such an asshole is what you need to ask??? I am an asshole because of the way I've been treated! I know that some of it is probably my fault because I LET them. I was in a really bad relationship for almost 2 years... I stayed with a person that yelled at me just about everyday, cussed me out for no reason at all, accused of f*cking someone else, cheated on me, lied to me, and basically made me feel so damn shitty. I thought that I "loved" him and he "loved" me. Thought that things would change and get better... It never did... I lived like I was walking on broken glass all the time. I use to be scared to say what I felt, because I was afraid of what he might do to me. I have not felt that way in over 7 years. Those feelings have somehow resurfaced. I don't like these feelings that I am having right now. I want to vent, I want to SCREAM, I want to YELL, I want to CRY, I want to just hit something as hard as I can till I only feel physical pain, But I really WANT someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be alright, it gets better, just takes time. I just REALLY want someone to HOLD me and be there for me.
I feel like I'm walking on broken glass. I want to speak my mind about things, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or lose something that might be. I am not perfect and no where close to it. I am me. I know that there are things about me that I probably need to change, but it all takes time. I want to be accepted for being me! I feel like some things that people say to me, makes me feel like they are attacking my judgment. I am trying my best to change some things about myself. I'm trying to become a little less heartless. I honestly do have a big heart and a lot of love to offer someone but it's only if they are willing to take care of it and I will do the same for them. I'm trying to let go of all the pain and anger. I'm taking things one day at a time. I can feel the changes as each day goes by. A little more of it goes away. I want to feel at ease and at peace.
If you truly want to get to know me... Don't judge me by things that I have done. That's all in the past. It's been done and is over with. It's who I am now. I am a really good person. I try to cherish every moment that I have with someone. I've had a lot of pain in my life. I don't like to talk about the things that I've been through because to me it's very personal and I've had people to use those things to make personal attacks on me to hurt me and make me do things that I don't want to do. I am a survivor! I put up and lived with shit that I know that no one should ever have to go through. I’ve been told that you have to accept that bad along with the good to let things even out. I REFUSE to let anyone make me feel less than what I am, to make me feel like I’m not “good” enough for them. I REFUSE to let anyone TALK AT me instead of TO me. I am NOT a dog, I do NOT want someone to talk to me like that. Think about it, if the coin was flipped, would you want someone to talk to you like that. Think about some things before they are said. There might be a lot more at stake then someone might ever realize. I know that there I have been times that I get so frustrated with others that I just shut them out. I don’t mean to. I just feel like they are attacking my ability to do things. I know that I can do things if I try. OFFER to help me, don’t just say “You’re doing it all wrong.” That really frustrates the hell out of me. Talk to me how you would want someone to talk to you in certain situations. Communication is a thing that is lacking. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong if I’m not told. I am NOT a mind reader… IF I were… I would not be wasting my time getting my frustrations out about things on here, I would be busy taking money from the filthy rich and basically telling them what they want to hear! I don’t want to be told things that I want to hear, I want to be told things that comes from the heart of the person that’s talking to me. Let me know what’s going on… Help me to learn from my mistakes so that it doesn’t happen again. It’s not a one way street, people have to give a little and take a little and hope for the same in return. I have the tendency to give more than I take. I think that I have a little pride about myself not to take to much. Well I think that I feel better now. Take care and I’ll probably post another one when I get so damn frustrated and need to vent. I think that I was very modest and nice this time… But maybe next time, I’ll just let it fly. Just whatever pops in my head to type it… Later…
