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Drey's blog: "My NEW Space"

created on 04/16/2007  |  http://fubar.com/my-new-space/b74292

Hmm

The waters of the Pacific caress the sand in their timeless union. I hold you close as we squint into the glare of the low hanging sun. As we exchange tender kisses, our skin is cooled by the breeze from the ocean, and by the approaching night. We gaze into each others eyes with... >>BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP<< What is happening?! We look around startled and scared. The world begins to shift, crumble, fade. >>BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP<< With each blink I change worlds. The second starting out blurry and unclear. It becomes more solid and real as the first world fades away. >>BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP<< I realize what is happening and the perfect world vanishes. The bedroom I have been transported to has still not fully formed but I know where I am and I roll over and hit the top of the clock until that horrid noise stops. Turning back away from the source of that noise I close my eyes and hug the pillow tighter against me, trying to go back where I had been just moments before. Hoping for a spark of warmth I know cannot be found within a pillow. Finally I surrender my struggle and sit up to face the day. God I hate mornings.

Im sooo done

So I've been burned out on my job for a while but today I finally hit the point that I'm done. I don't care anymore. I decided to start making doctor appointments and get new glasses and have surgery on my throat again and by then hopefully I'll be in a better position financially to be able to start looking for a part time job and signing up for classes. That was kinda the plan anyway but I am a bit more determined now I think. My boss ended up yelling at me twice today (ok not actually "yelling" but still). The first time was fine. But the second time it was because he puts so many demands on the area that we just cant cover, and he doesn't get it. Of the 3.5 people in the area (the .5 is somebody thats not actually in the area but can help when there is a machine available) only me and one other are able to do a certain job. The other person gets here late and leaves early every day. But his shift starts at 6 so nobody is here to see it. He "can't" work overtime because of his kids, and he does other stuff when hes here, so I'm the one that everything gets dumped on. I'm just so done.

Loosing my MIND

I have noticed over the last several months that I don't like who I am becoming. I don't know if I have been this person for a while and am just noticing or if I'm only recently changing. I am getting so angry. I take everything as a personal attack and become defensive. I am constantly on edge. I feel the stress and frustration building and it makes me feel constantly nauseous. I swear more at work then I used to, and i probably shouldn't at all. I've started realizing that I hate everybody i work with. Everyone in the company in some way or another has just pissed me off in some way or another, with the exception of a small handful. I have to force myself not to tell people to go fuck themselves. I constantly want to pick up the closest mouse or cellphone and smash it into the wall across the room. And I have to talk myself out of the urge to just walk out in the middle of my shift and say fuck you all. Its probably just a combination of my clinical depression and all the stress and frustration at work, but it so draining to feel like such an angry and evil person. To hate the way you feel but not seeming to be able to change it.
Spotted owls have been endangered for a while and there has been a bit of controversy between the timber industry and the animal protection groups. In like 1995 there was a plan put into place called the Northwest Forest Plan that restricted old growth deforestation and had areas that were flagged as reserves to protect the numbers of the spotted owl. There were of course opponents and such, but I just got done reading a new article about it. Apparently "The new proposal concludes that logging in old-growth forests is now a relatively minor threat to the survival of the spotted owl, after competition from the barred owl and wildfires." Basically they are trying to push the concept that the reason the spotted owls are suffering is because another species called the barred owl, is bigger and more aggressive and is competing for the same territory and such. The ultimate resolution of the proposal is to lure the barred owls to one of 18 sites and kill them. I am just in shock that they would actually try and push something like this but I think the paragraph that pisses me off the most is this one: "The oversight committee ordered the recovery team to put more emphasis on threats from the barred owl. One memo directed the team to "emphasize the new science ... and deemphasize the past." Another said the plan should be "less focused on habitat preservation." A third directed the scientists to "summarize the habitat threats into less then a page" and "eliminate the reference to the (Northwest Forest Plan)." Anyway, just needed to bitch about it a bit.

Confusion

So right now I'm kind of confused. I've been getting a bit closer again with my ex. Nothing that earth shattering, mostly just hanging out and spending time together but there is definatly a little more there then when we were just hanging out as friends. The thing that confuses me is I dont know if she is kind of looking at things as us starting over and seeing where things go, or if its more of a fill in until something better comes along. I would be ok with it either way, though I do hope for the trying again option, I mean I love the time we are together and I plan on us being a part of each other's lives from here on, no matter what capacity we're in. Its just hard to know how to handle a situation when your not sure what the situation is. How much do you let yourself get attatched to the idea of being together? Or do you have to keep that voice in the back of your mind that reminds you its not supposed to be forever?

Haircut

Well, this isnt all that blog worthy, but I got my hair cut off yesterday. It's all short again and I'm kinda excited about it! Was getting comments quite a bit at work (im sure I would have gotten a few more but most of my day is spent in a clean room with a hairnet and hood and such). Hopefully I can convince my photographer to take a few pics of me this weekend.

Hello Everyone

Well, I think I am going to be changing my blog over here. I've been realizing that I have too many people I know in real life friended on my My Space page and end up not posting when I need to because I'm afraid of upsetting one friend or another. I don't know how often ill be posting but should be at least once in a while. Anyway, thanks for coming by.
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