April 28th. 1993. I was 8 years old. My grandparents sat my brother and me down... we knew it was bad. For the past 6 years my mother had been in and out of hospitals... and just that January gone in for the transplant that was supposed to save her life. 3 livers later. She was dead. During the second operation, she was so swollen they were unable to 'sew her' back up. A fungus had set in to her bile duct. They didn't know it then. 2 months later she was recovering so well. HE decided not to continue with normal precautionary tests. WHY?!?!? I do not know... Halfway through April my mother started getting sick... they didn't know why. Surgeries, tests, etc. It was too late... her eyes and skin had begun turning yellow... her bile ducts had disintegrated. Her liver was failing. They rushed her into the OR. How did they find that other liver? I'll never know. In went liver number 3... but they were too late. She was brain dead. My mommy. The only parent I had. Gone. Because HE didn't want to just run some simple tests...
He died today. In a car crash. It was on the news tonight. I'm not sure how I feel right now. I feel so many things. I cant figure it out really. I'm sad. I'm happy. I feel guilty... I'm wondering if he thought about my mom before he died. HE fucked up, and I lost my mother... should i hate him? I've been struggling with that for years...
A few months back I was going through my mother's papers... During college she wrote her obit... she even stated in there, after a long illness she died....
I miss my mother, more than I can explain. It's something that fucks with me everyday. My mother left me to be raised by my grandma, who was something comparable to SATAN. I don't blame my mom for dying... I blamed god for a long time.... then I started blaming HIM. How he's gone. I really don't have anyone to blame now... because he's gone. Dead people can't take blame. Now what? Do i continue to hate a man who is dead? Do i let go, and go on. I don't know. I'm not sure. 14 years ago, i became a scared little girl with no mommy. I still don't deal well with it. Nor would anyone. I watched my mother die... i saw all the blood... the tubes... she had strokes... she forgot how to walk, to talk... she was hardly my mother... but i saw her getting better... I saw her becoming stronger... they were going to release her during the beginning of MAY. And, just like that, she was gone. And with her, a part of me. I've never been the same. Now I'm a mom. I try to be the best mom I can be. I'm still stuck so often being that scared little girl... and I don't know how to react...
I'm going to bed now. Good night.
