Ok ... this is something I was thinking about and just needed to write down. It started out as an observation of my life and went on into a rambling life story. It's quite long and if you make it to the end I applaud you!! If you don't make it to the end I fully understand. I didn't edit it I left it just as it came out of me so hopefully it's understandable.
MOHAWK RIDGE
I used to think I went there
because I wanted to be alone
Later I found I went there
because I am alone.
Merritt Malloy
Anyone who knows me or has spoken to me at any length knows that I love the ship life. I will most likely glorify it until the day I die, but as with everything in life it is not all good. I have recently come to the realization that I am lonely. Is this a true soul searing loneliness? That I'm not too sure about right now. I feel fine, I go through a regular range of emotions and most of the time I am a happy woman. As a matter of fact in spite of this little epiphany today I am on quite a high. So what brought me to this point? Well it's Christmas and I was thinking about all of those friends I have met here and those that I know or knew in real face to face life. Not a single one of these friends lives anywhere near me. Now I chose the gypsy life and though I may not have known exactly what that meant I do now and I still choose it. Here's a little background. I had my first professional gig when I was 18 working on the Spirit of Norfolk and that was such a wonderful time. We always hung out together after work and a couple of my performing buddies from high school also worked with me. We were going places and we knew it was just going to be a matter of time before we hit Broadway!! I made many friends during my time there and lived a pretty normal life. I had my own apartment, a great roommate, a car, and a good circle of friends. From there I went on to work at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg and continued with the normal life, but it was also the first in a long string of address changes and friends from states I'd never even been to before. When the contract was over most of us kept in touch for a while, but as time goes on this dwindles down to just a few. This was also one of those contracts that kept a few of my high school buddies and I together, but from there the splitting and moving around really got serious. At the end of the season I was offered my first cruise ship, Deon was offered the tour of Damn Yankees, Derrick was sticking around to finish out the fall season at Busch, and Angela was just getting started on the road to her success. I also met quite a few good friends that I still carry with me to this day; There was Shanna who's mother died during the contract ( very sweet and brave woman), Laurence who actually came out and pretended to be my boyfriend so he could take a cruise with me (I don't think he's ever dated a woman in his life), and Julia who is now married to Derrick and living in Chicago with their baby girl. Now here's the thing ... at one point we all lived in the same area, saw each other every day, and had a great time. These days the most I see of them is on Myspace , some youtube video that someone snuck out of a theater, or an advertisement photo. Deon toured with Damn Yankees and moved on to Cats in Germany up to the present time where he is finishing out the Celine Dion show in Vegas. We have met up here and there over the years and from what I hear he is in town this week so hopefully we will get a chance to catch up with each other. Derrick moved on to married life and Broadway landing roles in Lion King and Wicked and is now a well adjusted married man (something none of us would have expected). Angela is also a happily married young woman and just finished a run with Mamma Mia on Broadway (that girl was always a wonderful dancer and now she has the pipes to go with it). Me .... Well I was bitten by the traveling bug from that first ship and for two years that was my life. I took a break to get married back in 2000 and that lasted all of four months until the next contract came along ... a nine and a half month contract on the Regal Princess that cemented the cruise ship life for me. That contract was a fluke really, I was supposed to be the understudy, learn the shows, go home and be available if anyone had to leave the ship. Everything worked out in my favor and I ended up leaving with the cast to join the ship in Vancouver. Ahhh ... the Regal was the contract made of dreams. The cast was wonderful, talented, and friendly. The itinerary was amazing (China, Japan, Malaysia, Australia, New Zealand, Apia, South Pacific and the list goes on). In 9.5 months we all of course got weary of ship life, but managed to make it such a memorable contract that we all wanted to work together again. That didn't happen and I was shipped off to the Crown Princess a few months later where I met another set of amazing people that I no longer see. One of the girls I still talk to (Della) always had a thing about that being her last contract. She said she wanted a house, a dog, and a regular circle of friends. This became an appealing idea and when I was offered the Costa Victoria I turned it down to move to London with the man I met on the Regal (my Polish god). The relationship didn't work out, but I loved London and stayed an extra three months anyway. We still talk as well and if I ever leave this gypsy life behind who knows what could happen. Well that little move was the beginning of a four year retirement for me and I actually got it in my head that I wouldn't be dancing anymore. Dance has always fueled my dreams from the time I was sticking tacks in the bottom of my shoes and pretending to be Shirley Temple to the present and even beyond I'm sure. I had a friend at Busch that I can't seem to catch up with and our little thing was that we would be dancing when we were 80 y.o. Him with his cane and me with my gray ponytail. We were going to start our own company and have a ballet called Spidey in which the two of us and our friend Jamey would star in. Now I can't find him anywhere and he's one of those people that I google and search for like mad every chance I get. He's the gay friend that I took a shower with and was surprised to see a penis in there with me. Lol ... He was my sister and my best girlfriend. So for four years I moved back home and worked odd bartending and waitressing jobs, got into the party scene with my co-workers and moved into a house with 5 of them. Those were very good days. After about two years I got a dog ( My Bella Ciunna) who's laying by my feet right now. She was 4 weeks old when I got her and I nursed her all the way up ... She's my baby girl. In two weeks I may have to get rid of her as I have no where for her to go and she's very picky about who she lets into her life. A year after that I met a wonderful man and his two children and we made a home and a life for ourselves over a two year period. Even though I wasn't dancing I continued to talk about it and dance around the house and he encouraged me to get back into it. One of the girls from the 5 person household My Becks was also pushing at me to get back into it and I gave in, beat down the fear that it was too late and returned to the gypsy life. This man was and is such an amazing person and I know that he loves me with all of his heart for him to put my dreams before himself. That contract was the beginning of the end for us and now here I sit in my mothers house, in my old bedroom that is now storage thinking about the past and those that were here, but no longer are. Am I sad to be lonely? No, I don't think so. I chose the life once not knowing what it held and then when given another chance at it I chose it again. Do I miss all of the people I have met over the years. Yes of course I do. It would be great to be able to have these people around me all the time again, but that's just not the way this life works. There is one person that I only mentioned in passing ... My Becks, Becky. This girl was my partner in crime for almost three years and we went through some things that some people only read about. She was there through three of my failed pregnancies, through an abusive boyfriend and the starting of a new life with Frank. She was there to help push me forward out of my rut and help me find my way back to the stage. She is still here through the dissolution of my relationship with Frank and I know she will still be here when one or the other of us are laying on our death beds. I am blessed to have a friend like her (and to think neither of us liked having girls for friends). She recently gave birth to a little baby girl whom she is naming October (she's eccentric like me) and making a life of her own. She moved away at the insistence of myself and a couple of other good friends so that she could get her life together. I had to fight the selfish impulse extremely hard, because of course I wanted to keep her by my side, but I am extremely proud of the way she has turned her life around. She now lives in Mississippi and of all the luck in the world we will get to see each other over the next 7 months. The ship I am joining leave out of Mobile, AL every 5 days and she lives only 30 minutes away. This I am extremely excited about and I can't wait to meet my new niece. So yes this ship life thing has it's drawbacks. I am in some ways a very lonely person, but I am happy to know the many wonderful people that I have met over these years. I can only hope to meet and hold many more close to my heart. Will you be one of them?
