Your Blonde Addiction's blog: "my lil world "

I am writing here to let out thoughts and feelings.. Its more for me but if any of what i am feeling or thinking makes you think or you have a comment by all means...

How is it when you meet that ONE person who is your Everything, the person you thought never existed, all feelings are magnified to crazy levels??

The Happy Times are Euphoric.. you never imagined you could be this happy and your heart is filled with joy and love. You have never in your life smiled soo much. you laugh and smile til your stomache hurts and your cheeks ache. You think ANYTHING is possible.. You thank God for finding this person for you or leading them to you. you look forward to seeing them, talking to them , being with them.  You can't imagine how you ever lived without them. You can just look at them for Hours and never be bored.. You don't want to close your eyes for fear you will wake up and its all been a DREAM. You don't even look to the future cause TODAY is soo perfect THAT'S all that matters.

The Bad Times are catastrophic..the pain you feel can bring a grown man to his knees.. when you argue or fight the hurt is enormous...when they see you as this horrible or hurtful person you are not or when they just can't or won't listen to what you are saying or feeling the disppointment is unimaginable. You can't fathom how someone who brought you soo much joy and who you made soo happy can speak to you that way or just not care.  

You become scared and confused cause you have opened yourself up to the possibility of ENORMOUS hurt and pain..you don't know what this all means or what to do with these feelings. How will play out? Should it play out?? Is loving this person the right thing? Does he/she feel the same? 

Is loving that person wrong?? How can loving a person who brought you soo much happiness be wrong even if there has been pain?? 

Do you still try to work it out?? Do you still TRY and fix it KNOWING you may NEVER find another person who makes you feel this way again  or walk away saying "it was great while it was lasted but now that is getting tougher I'm done!"?

We can't chose who we fall in love with

Our heart wants what our heart wants..

There are times i wish i had had a different life in that more experience in LIFE. I'm 44 yrs old with 3 kids and can honestly say i have NONE..dating?? never did that... i have never had to try n decifer mens emotions or thought process cause there has only ever been one and i KNEW what to do and what was expected because i had years of experience with him..NOW i am like a child in many ways i need to be guided cause unfortunately i can't read minds.

I have learned in the past few months I can not trust in my heart..i have learned that LOVING someone hurts and that MANY people may want you, love you or want to be with you BUT your HEART has its own agenda and there is NOTHING more painful than to not be wanted nor loved by your hearts desire... Since orginally writing this blog i have walk aimlessly and have come to realize that the man i wrote this about truly is the man i love and may always love BUT i have to move forward because that dream is just that a dream. .. I hope he finds the love he soo justly deserves..i hope she is too him all he was and still is too me. Now i am looking at my life and deciding HOW to move forward.

  to be continued..... 

Do you ever wish you could turn back the hands of time..and change things you may have said or done?? Up until now I can honestly say I've had no real regrets about my life or wanting to change anything in my life..

I feel everything i have endured and experienced good and bad has made me the person I am today. 

I have had to be stronger in recent years than I ever thought i could be and somehow always came out smiling and found humor in everything no matter how painful, yet this past week I have felt lost and like a piece of me was missing.  

I wish i could change this past week..change things I have said and things I have done..

I have allowed 1 mans need to control me and how i preceive myself to have me second guess who i am...

I have allowed him to make me into a scared and insecure individual..

I believed him when he says I am nothing and that nobody will ever want me and for this i will always be sorry.

I am someone.. I am a work in progress...

I am someone pretty great..

I am honest to a fault,

I am faithful

I am loyal

I can be there to hold you or support you when you need me to 

I will fight and go to the ends of the earth for you if you capture my heart..

If i dont know you I will still help becasue that is who I AM

If i had but one wish...that wish would be to see myself through your eyes and see the person YOU see not who he SAW.