Over 16,528,609 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
So I haven't been up to making this post even though its been a month. Four days after I made my last blog, my step mom passed away. February 23, 2012. I still can not believe that she is gone. I was in denial about it until I went to her funeral and saw her name above the door. I broke down immediately. There were so many people at the funeral which just shows how amazingly loved she really was. All I keep telling myself is that she is not suffering which is the most important part. She did not deserve to suffer like she did, no one does. The worst part for me was when my step niece, she is three, came up to me the day after Nancy died, and goes "Where is my nana?" It was horrible, made my heart and stomach sink right into the ground. I looked at her holding back tears and told her that nana is in heaven, which is what her parents were telling her.
I keep freezing up while I am writing this. I am not the best with expressing my emotions. I usually try to act like everything is fine. For me to even write these blogs is huge for me.
So I have been keeping to myself a lot lately and I feel like I should let people that I am close with know what is going on...
For a while now, as most people I talk too know, I have been sick. I was throwing up stomach acid every day. I went to the doctor they ran all these tests on me and well, they believe its my organs. Since than I have been started throwing up every two days. I got my test results back and it is not an issue with my liver so it is most probably my gallbladder, kidneys or it is duodenal ulcer. Right now I was told to give it a little more time before they send me for a sonogram on my stomach to see what it exactly is.
With that being said, my step mom was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer in the fall. She underwent chemo and radiation and it ended in November. She was doing better her tumors were getting smaller it was the results that we were hoping for. A week later my dad and step mom went to Florida for the Winter. Well when she was in Florida she had another scan and her cancer spread to her brain, her hip and a few other areas. She ended up in the hospital in Florida three times for a week each time. Two weeks ago I received a call saying that she had 24-48 hours to live. It was horrible, I couldn't really deal with it, all I kept doing was crying. The next day I called my dad to see how my step mom was and she was recovering and doing better. I was so completely grateful that she was fighting back. Last week she went and got another scan and the cancer spread even more even though at this point, she was having full body radiation. At this point my step mom and my dad decided to come back to New York. I was kept in the dark about how bad she actually was. She had to go in a Mediplane in order to get back to NY on a stretcher. I received a call from my dad yesterday saying that she was having trouble breathing, in extruciating pain and is screaming out for morphine.
Well I went to see my step mom today. It wasn't what I expected. My dad made her seem like she was doing better today so I felt that maybe she was having the trouble and the pain from flying and from the change in altitude and weather. She was basically sleeping the whole time. Had oxygen and morphine hooked up and hospice was there. I only spent a few minutes with her I didn't wanna disturb her and I would rather remember her not in the condition that I saw her in today. They are saying that she only has a few days left. I just hope that she doesn't suffer more than she has already.
NO ONE deserves to suffer like she is. Especially after having quit smoking for decades! I quit smoking shortly after my step moms diagnosis. I smoked for almost 15 years, I used an electronic cigarette at first to help with the nicotine cravings. I have basically stopped using my electronic cigarette, I use it once in a while now. Please if you do smoke, think about quitting! Lung cancer is such a painful way to die and it is also unnecessary.
