Change in latitude, change in attitude, aint' that what Jimmy Buffet sings?
I did some thinking last night after 5 or 8 or 10 beers. I ain't counted the cans. Somewhere in there, I had a moment of clarity. What came of last night, while listening to some more music, and which has lead to a few changes in me today. then I had another non alcohol induced moment of clarity tonight before taking the trash out.
1. I am the one who defines my life. I am the one who defines it's awesomeness. (the quality of my life is not defined by my status message on Myspace.)
2. My life is not defined by the Army. My life is not defined by what I do from 9 to 5, on some weekends, and sometimes for an extended period of time.
3. My life is not defined by the awards on my uniform, or the hash marks on the right sleeve of my uniform.
4. My life is not defined by anyone else. I am the one who controls my destiny, and how far I go.
5. If my life ends tomorrow on the way to work, in 6 months in Afghanistan, or 60 years from now in my bed, I am the one who has had to live my life until that point in time. If someone complains because I am "living my single life" when she doesn't know the facts, so be it. I am not living my single life.
I am living my life. I am playing the hand I was dealt, and am making the most of it. So what if I am trying to have some fun before I deploy again. I can't afford to fly out and see my boys, so I am going to drink the beer that seems to accumulate.Besides, I seem to recall many a night calling from the mideast and she would be outside with her friends drinking it up.
6. My life is defined by the amount of times I get knocked down, and pick myself up. It is defined by those times that I will hold the person who makes me say "I LIKE IT, I LOVE IT, I WANT SOME MORE OF IT!" It is also defined by the heartache, the tears. The joy, the pain. My life is defined by me being an influence in my boys' lives from where ever I happen to be. My life is defined by how I touch people around me. Not by my relationship with the ex, or the ex-in-laws.
7. My life is mine to live, screw up, make the most of, and for me to live it daily. While people can point and cast stones, I am the one who answers for my actions. Yes, I am in the Army, and NO, I do not do exactly what they say. In public, I will say "HOOAH! ROGER!" I"ll pop smoke, and execute. Behind closed doors, where I do not undermine the chain of command, I fight. I have taken more ass chewings for saying that something is fouled up than I can ever tell anyone about. I took one for just saying I need a Soldier. I took one because I said I did not have the personnel to go to the field. I took another because I said I should deploy. I have the rank on my chest that allows me to step up a bit. I do not tell my Soldiers, I do not tell many people what I do.
My life is my life. My life is life. After almost 31 years of experience, I still don't have the answers to life, love, and the whole darned thing. I know that I have spent too many minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and almost a year holding onto the past. I spent a good amount of time feeling sorry for myself. I AM ME! I am all I have when I wake up in the morning, and all I still have when I crawl into bed at night. That may sound isolationist to some, but damn it. THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS! This is mine. Not yours, not someoene else's to question anyone else about. This is my life, and if you want to come at me, you beter come at me with more than what is on the page. I hold a lot back
You ever want inside my head, you better bring a crap load of alcohol, and you better start early. I'll tell ya anything you want to know over a couple of beers. I'll tell ya of close calls, heartbreak, pain, laughter, happiness, joy, and pride. I'll tell ya all about anything you want to know, but the minute you get on me about something, expect to be flat on your ass. I am no longer a punching bag. My thoughts, my feelings, my actions, my responsibilities.
