Well my life isn't going all that great at the moment. I thought it was going great, and then BAM! Everything falls to pieces; my heart once again gets crushed and stomped on. I'm so tired of getting hurt; I'm so tired of fucking being put on the back burner. What is so wrong with me that I can't even get a guy to like me that I have interest in? Am I really that bad? Well I was planning on going down to see Eric in South Carolina. I was going on the 1st of November, and wasn't coming back till the 8th. Well plans changed. Eric went to a LPA convention (LPA stands for little people of America). Well while he was at this convention this passed weekend, he ended up meeting another little person (girl) there. Well, I guess they hit it off. They held hands, kissed and had a great time. Why is it that a guy goes for the first thing they can get their hands on? Well, Eric came home, and I finally talked to him. He never called me like he said he was going to while at the convention. Told me he wasn't going to talk to any girls, unless he was talked to. He also told me that if a girl had interest in him that he was going to tell them that he already had interest in me. Well that didn't happen as far as telling them that. I mean because he kissed the girl, and held hands and what not.
I don't know though, I was speechless when he told me about it yesterday. I didn't know what to think, my stomach starting turning, my eyes started to water. I was trying so hard to not let it out; I was trying to play it cool. I was trying to show him that I was okay with it, hoping he was going to still give me a chance. To let me show him what I have. But instead, he told me he didn't know what to do. That this girl he met only lived 35 minutes to 45 minutes away from him where he lived. I told him well, doesn't mean I can't come down there to see what we can do out of this. I mean it's only 6 nights before I come down there. Well, he had told me maybe it was best that I didn't come down there at all right now. I was speechless! It's not the first time he has done this to me, but at that time I was okay with it because I didn't have a purchased ticket. But this time, I did. I had the ticket since last month, and I even freaking went into overdraft charges just to get this damn ticket that is how bad I wanted to see him. I figured he wanted to see me too. But I guess I'm wrong. I'm always wrong with this shit. I'm crying right now typing this. It's so hard for me. About 2 months ago I got out of a 2 year relationship, and having Rich break my heart, and then having Eric break it... I don't have a heart left anymore.
Is there some thing really wrong with me? I mean Rich didn't want me, Eric doesn't want me. Eric doesn't even want me to call him anymore. He said he feels its best I don't call there anymore where he lives. I... I just... I just fucking hate this! My life has never gone right for me; it's always given me these huge ass bumps in my way. But this time, it's given me a pot hole, and I don't think I can get out of it. I don't think I want to either. I'm tired, I'm just fed up. I try so hard to make someone happen, and then I just get the other end of the shitty deal. I'm just so tired of it. It's so hard, and for me to be different than others doesn't help at all either. Guys look at me, and run because of my height and how they think about how their friends will think if they ever wanted to date me. I don't know. I'm just tired, I just wish I could shoot myself and put me out of my misery. I'm already in enough misery as it is. I just can't deal with this shit anymore. I can't take anymore of this pain. It seems like my life keeps going to hell, and each time I try to get back on track I get knocked right back on my ass once again. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just tired of it all.
