Ok, Navy is behind me, now I'm finding the healing for my mind and my soul. I know it will take a long time, but at least its started. Damn, been a lotta years now, still have the nightmares every so often....sigh.
Got back to Texas and hooked up with a little cutey I met on my last leave home.....Mary Jo, damn she was cute, looked just like Goldie Hawn with dark hair !!!
Ended up marrying her, boy was that a mistake....we just weren't ready, especially me, my mind was still screwed up. So we went our seperate ways, and ended that one. I hear she's married to a good man now, happy and doing well....that pleases me to no end.....wish I could find her and tell her.
Met my second wife a couple years later, she impressed me. Taking care of two little ones, a house, bills, day to day life, all on her own. We married.....19 and a half years.....she was a good woman, I just wasn't the right man for her. In the end, she was angry all the time, it took me awhile, but I finally figured out that I was the reason for her anger. So I removed the reason.
Yeah, I know, I hurt her, cried a lotta nights over that, still tear up over it.....damnit.....I hated hurting her, she didn't deserve that, but if I didn't, I would end up hurting her more and more over the years. Damn........I can't think were to go with this.......sigh.
Back now, hadda clear the head a bit...... you know, cleaning house is therapuetic .
She wanted a man who worked a 9 to 5'er, one that settles for the stability of the day to day job, so that she had the security of that little paycheck every week. Me...hell with that, I want to write my own paycheck, earn what I think I'm worth, not what someone else tells me I am.
My grandfather was like that too, he worked for himself for over 50 years, and lived comfortable all his life. So why was I having so tough a time at things? Took me a few years to figure it out, but I did.
All I wanted for my little wife, was to see her smile and be happy. Everytime I took a 9 to 5'er, she was happy, I was miserable, but I tried, damn I tried HARD too. Just couldn't understand the mentality of that, I mean I was working my ass off....just to make some asshole rich, breaking my ass to pay for HIS car, HIS house, HIS party. Pardon me, but fuck that. Not for me!
When I'm left alone to do what I need to do, I can make a good living, a hell of a lot more than most men, hell, I only LOOK stupid....trust me, I'm definately NOT.
Problem was, she was always there in the background....worrying about bills, worrying about money, worrying about all the little things that get in the way of making it work......that is, if you let em worry you. Well, that would get to me, I would press hard, and next thing ya know, what I was working toward would go to shit. My fault, I know, but still, if she'd just understood what I tried to tell her, backed me up instead of being a road block, I would have done so much better.
Funny thing is, proof is in the pudding, we've been apart for about 6 months now, I'm working for myself again, making good money, better than when I working the corporate world !!! Go figger......
But with all of that, she lost her faith in me, lost respect for me, and thats something I need....respect. She tried to hide it from me, but I could see it in her eyes.
All that started when I got laid off from one of those 9 to 5'ers. Was a corp executive, making the big bucks, one day I got a call, layed off 2500 employees, yers truly was one of em.
We fought it for over a year, ended up filing bankruptcy, lost everything we'd worked for.......some security, huh. Nope, never again....pardon the french here....but fuck em...I'll do it my way.
I fought with the loss of respect for 6 years, trying to gain it back, but without her support on the backside for my efforts, it was just impossible. And seeing her anger and tears all the time was killing me. I just wanted to see her smile....see her laugh, make her happy...........
Depression set in, doctors put me on meds, tried to get me in therapy. Oh hell....I was walking around in a damned daze. All to fit the mold of the modern man. That damned sure ain't me!!!
One day I dug out an old paperback I had, Tarnsman of Gor, was like a lightning strike in my head......I found all that I owned....the first four books, read em all, reading between the lines this time. I went to eBay, used book stores, you name it. I devoured the books. Read the whole series, all 26 books in four months....you have ANY idea how HARD it is to read John Normans writing??? Oh GAWD.....no pulitzer prize winner there.
But....if you read the "other" story, the one between the lines, therein lies the truth for me. The honesty, the dignity, the truth and honor, the discipline. All things that I felt were lacking in my life.
Now, a few months later, no more meds, no more doctors, clean and clear headed, making my life what it needed to be, and could be. Friggin qwacks!
That was when I took a hard look at my life, what I was, what I had become, where it was going, and what I was doing to those that I loved. It HAD to change, and it had to change now..........period.
It's kinda funny, there are those who berate me for being Gorean, tell me I'm living in a fantasy world, living my life based on a bunch of badly written scifi books. Just ain't so.....not in the least.
I've learned to be myself, to accept who I am, what I am, and be that man well. And ya know? I'm happy with it..........finally.
Still have other areas that are problems, always will have.....like my son Zach.....damn, the boy is the center of my world. Never knew I could love that much, never had a clue it was in me. I'll tell you more about him later.
Rambled enough for one day
To Be Continued
