MoE's blog: "my life as i know it"

well i was haveing a good day til i got hme and got online.... i lost a friend because i brought someone back into my life and i prolly stand to loose another if and when she reads this... i have alounge here on ct and yeah i let it stress me out to the point where i was ready to call it quitz on here... i have fallen for someone on here and my friend dont like her. so i am stuck between a rock and a hard place. im not giving up the one i have fallen for . and i dont want to loose my friend ... i relapsed on drugs fri and they both have been there for me when i needed them the most hell all that i call my friends have been there for me in one form or another.they were worried about me cause i went missing for one day.. that is what i call a true friend. i lost a good friend because of my choice of who i want to hire for my lounge...so yeah finding love can and will make u loose friends..unfortunatly i had to find out the hard way. how ever i am not giveing up someone that can make me happy for a friend... it is unfair that it happened that way but yeah thats fucking life................

well today was long and hard. i wnet to my home group and got a new ass hole chewed in my ass by my real friends.. i have about ten ppl on here that i can call my true friends. yall know who u are and i love yall for being there for me when i need yall the most. in the real world i have only a few ppl tat i can call true friends. they are the ones. that will catch me if i fall and they proved it tonight. yes they bitched at me for not calling. but then when all was said and done they gave me the love i need. i come home to find an ass hole wants my woman, well good luck bro is all i have to say to him. im in a good spot today for the first time since friday. i know what i have to do to make my life better.

WELL TODAY WAS GOING GOOD TILL I GOT TO MY MEETING. I MADE MY MEETING WITH THE HELP OF A TRUE FRIEND. I HAD TO SURRENDER AGAIN TODAY..IT WAS NOT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN.. LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I WAS ACCEPTED WITH OPEN ARMS AND GOT ALOT OF HUGS... I WAS ASKED BY A FRIEND TO DO A WRIGHTING ASSIGNMENT THAT WE WENT OVER. HE POINTED OUT A FEW THINGS AND THEY ACTUALLY MADE A LIL SENCE... I HAVE ALOY OF UNSOLVED RESERVATIONS ABOUT USING DRUGS..THE MAIN ONE HAS TO DO WITH MY FATHER. ME AND MY FATHER NEVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP UNTILL I WAS DOING THE SAME DRUGS HE WAS. HE USED TO BEAT MY ASS FR THE LITTLEST THINGS WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.I MOVED IN WITH MY MOM @ THE AGE OF 11,THINKING IT WOULD BE BETTER... YEAH A STRAIGHT TEENAGE MALE MOVING INTO A LESBIAN HOUSE HOLD WAS NO PICNIC.. MY MOTHER'S LIFE PARTNER HAD A SON THAT THEY THOUGHT COULD DO NO WRONG SO I GET HIS END OF ALL THEE PUNISMENTS. I STARVE FOR MY FATHERS AFFECTION AND THOUGHT I HAD FOUND A COMMON GROUND WITH HIM IN THE DRUGS.. WAS I WRONG.... I REALIZED ON FRI THAT I CAN NOT HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MY FATHER... I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT FACT. AND IT BOTHERS ME REAL BAD. BUT FOR MY OWN SAFTY AND MY OWN SERENITY I CANNOT HAVE NO TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM UNTILL HE SEEKS THE SAME WAY OF LIFE THAT I DO... AND THAT HUTS LIKE HELL FOR NOW BUT I HAVE DO DEAL WITH IT CAUSE IT IS THE FACTS OF MY LIFE.....

i woke up this morning and did a new routine, i actually prayed for my higher powers will. and so far it has worked.. i have not had the urge to get high.. when i turned on my computer to check on the air stauts of my lounge it was pointed out that there is a daily horiscope on the home page..... and between mine to day and what was talked about yesterdays meeting i have heard the word acceptance more than what i wanted to. so i took a bit of time and thought about it. and came to the aknowledgement that i have to accetp the fact that i am an addict.. so with more thinking and openmindedness i am willing to accept i am an addict and i will be for the rest of my life. addiction is an uncurable and fatal disease which can be arrested if one has the willingness to ask for help.... today i have the willingness and the openmindedness to ask for help... in which i so desperatly need caus i can not do it my self...

well today im sitting here all fucked up because of a slip i had in my recovery....there are nothing but good things that came from today... i realized that the disease of addiction will be with me for the rest of my life,however it is my choice to do what is nassacary to do what it takes to seek my recovery... i was coming up an a year clean and uuuhhh yeah i slipped ...i feel it was a message from my higher power whom i care to call god.... he put my ass in check by sending back out cause i thought i no longer needed to take my medication. (which consists of meetings and alot of looking into self) for those that actually call themselves my friends on here have helped alot by just being there for me today.. both in and outside of the fellowship ... i also learned that regaurdless of what i think of myself i am a decent person.. regaurdless of what i have done in my past i cant hold my self hostage about all that.. and believe me i have done and witnessed some foul shit..... so to sum up todays inventory of self i am powerless and my life has become unmanagable and i need help..