My Journey......in this world.
Ok folks, I will address this predominately to the women out there because I am one. But if there are any men who can relate or might have some growth experience from this then that is great! The more the merrier and welcome! I know that there are probably a great deal of women out there who know what it feels like to be left alone and abandoned. I also know there are a lot of women out there that could never imagine what that could possibly feel like. Well, I can tell you it aint pretty!
My mother divorced my dad when I was around four years old..... my mother still wont give me a specific date on their divorce. I realize I can do the research on my own, but I ask, 'do I really care?' The answer is no. Not now anyway.
Maybe my mom and dad not being together played a very important role in the choices I have made? Hmmmm! Maybe once upon a time I might have blamed them but, Not any more!
I have been married twice. My first 'X; was a man who was dysfunctional but in a kinda cute way. sick huh? Yeah, I know. He was very handsome, intelligent, witty and fun. Now, I still believe all those things about him but see the real 'first X' for who he is and not what I want him to be. Now I realize how sick I really was. I allowed him to manipulate me, verbally abuse me, convince me of my lack of worthiness to him (this was a common occurance). I was so insecure that this action by him did not take much to accomplish his goal. What do I think his goal was? Well, his goal was to build himself up to the person he thought he wasn't. Does that make sense? We all do that in a sense. He needed to do these things, it was who he is. Still, to this day he is a very important factor in my life. No, I am not still in love with him. He is in fact part of my past and a man whom I loved with all my heart and soul. Who dissapointed me and left the marriage in search of 'something better'. I hope he has found it. Meanwhile, I will always remember what my Uncle Buddy told me about that, and I quote him, "Yes, baby girl, the grass is always greener on the other side of that fence, do you want to know why it is greener?" he asks me. I say in tears, "I guess". He says, "Because that is the side of the fence that the SEPTIC TANK is burried! The grass is greener and prettier but it sure does stink!" as he laughs a little giggle, and continues to say, "It is his demise that he is doing this thing not yours! Dont you ever forget that!"
The lesson of facing my own demons came with 'X' husband 2. This was an experience I will never forget. It was another episode of "what did I do to deserve this?" This relationship (if you insist on calling it that), was doused with christianity and forgiveness. I was to remember that. If I could not forgive my 'X' for moving out everytime we had a problem then G-d would not forgive me! We had a lot of problems in this marriage. Have you ever heard that old saying, 'haste makes waste'? Well, that is what this was. My haste made my waste. Immediately post divorce I rushed into this relationship taking no steps to find out what I was getting myself into. I jumped right out of that frying pan straight into the fire! Most definitely! After 5 years of Mr. 'X' running away from home everytime there was conflict and telling me he just cant deal with conflict. I just could not grasp living life "Conflict Free"! I have lived most of my life dealing with 'conflict'. I just couldn't take the abandonment. I broke down. Call it what you will, a nervous break down, a desperate attempt to get my way, a suicide attempt? Maybe a little of all of it. But to say the least, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I had to do something to stop the madness in my life.
With that I had two choices, give up completely or reach out for help! Well, since September 2004 I have been 'in Therapy' and I have learned more about myself than I could have possibly learned growing up. I had a lot of catching up to do. I also learned about people. I learned that I am not responsible for other people's actions and they are most definitely not responsible for mine. I will also say this to clear up any confusion anyone may have about my belief. I believe that an adult 'is' responsible for a childs welfare and that means we adults should NEVER allow a child to make major decisions in their little lives without the proper guidence and leadership necessary for that child to learn to be responsible and productive and happy and healthy in their adult lives! I believe that we 'adults' should be responsible for these children, NOT our Government! My second X believed he could allow his children to make their own decisions without all that I mentioned. That is what is wrong with this country! We (I'm not saying all of us just the majority as a rule) send our kids off to school and expect the schools to do all these things when it is the parents JOB to do them! School is not a place to raise children and we need to wise up as a nation and raise our own kids and get Government out of raising our children and send them back to school where they can get good educations to prepare them for the working world. Because isn't that what school used to be about. Isn't it really what it is still about? But now there is no respect for teachers and no grounds or structure to base our education on. I will say some of our public education system is so pittiful, after having a stepchild in one specific public school system of poverty and if I had more children they would most definitely be home schooled. No doubt. Our Government has ruined our schools. I live in an area where we have two public schools systems. One is poverty based and a failing school and gets very little funding or is poorly distributing the funds and another which is very richly funded and good teachers and predominately the school where a preacher would lie to get his kids into. And we are responsible for our Government people! We put them there, we CAN put them somewhere else other than in our Government! And I believe it all started with the law suits of oppression and children having all the 'rights' and children not wanting to conform to rules and obedience. Children are little people who do not possess the needed wisdom to make those kind of decisions. Yep, we are a great nation indeed! We have done a great job of raising a great many dope heads, drug dealers, high school drop outs, thugs, murderers, criminals(people believing they deserve some kind of hand out without hard work being involved), people with low self esteem, single parenting, unwed mothers at the age of 13 and up, can we stop here? Just for arguments sake. Yes, I made enemies in 2 'X's family. These people taught me about all that I have just mentioned. They opened the door to my sheltered little world about how to claim 'depression' disability and sit on their asses and not do anything to be responsible for themselves. They taught me. I am now aware of how easy it could be for me to do the same. I wonder how many could actually work and hold down a real job if they really really wanted to? What do you think? They seem to know a whole lot about working the system and getting their free ride. I would like to bust these people and stop this madness! We all see it everyday, most of us would love to just pretend it does not exist. But guess what! It does. And we need to open our eyes and take some action instead of sitting on our butts and criticizing. I do believe we need to take care of our elderly and truely sick who really need the assisstance. I learned through my getting help that I suffered from irrational thinking and also learned where depression comes from. For the most part, it is dilusional thinking and our belief systems that are hurting us. For years I believed that I was not smart or good enough to be anything important. Now I know different. Not because I have a big head. No, it is because I now know that I am special and I WAS designed by G-d. I do have a purpose and I am GOOD and LOVED and WONDERFULLY MADE! My happiness is based on how I feel about myself and not what someone else thinks of me. My depression is based on what I think people think of me. And that could be a huge imagination of good things and bad things all wrapped up in one bundle! My depression was bad or irrational thoughts or thoughts of guilt that I possessed of myself and of the world I lived in. My therapist is happy with my progress. I feel I have made huge leaps. I have overcome a great deal of guilt and still find myself working with some projection issues. I do it at work more than anywhere else because this is where what my superiors think of me is important to me. I am working this out now................So, in time I have grown to brave the unknown and face my own demons as they come and it is my prayer that you may do the same in this live we live here together as brothers and sisters in Christ.
I hope you have enjoyed my rantings and please remember to keep in mind that these rantings are only my oppinions and are not based on any facts I may have.
Have a Blessed Day!
ZeniPrincessWarrior
