AJ the Wicked Jester's blog: "Memoirs and Thoughts of the Broken Blade.."

I look at my life through tear-stained glasses. I'm not happy with the things in my life. Just very little actually feels right anymore..

Today marks exactly 3 years since my last relationship... not the best one I ever had either... I guess I am feeling a bit of loneliness, but it's more than just that..

I feel like a stranger in my own life. Not wanted, not belonging. Anywhere.

I see in my life people around me. People that were once very close, yet now very distant. I understand that people live their own lives and it happens... But it always feels like I'm being left behind.. And I don't really know where to go from here..

There are things that matter to me. Dreams and goals that are so far out of reach. It tears me up inside, seeing these things so far away and drifting further..

And it's starting to really get to me... the fact that everything that I desire has become so distant, so far away, so out of my reach..

And it makes me want to shut down. Throw up the walls and isolate myself. I know it won't solve anything.. But, I know fighting against the hell that exists in my head is a battle I lost a long time ago. But, I feel sometimes that is still my best option. To step away and walk alone for a time. To silence my own demons. To figure out who I am, what my path is, and where I should walk. It's not been an easy road. And the grief, regrets, and doubt are but deep wounds. While they may have healed on the skin, inside I'm bleeding.

I've had companions on this journey.. Some stayed for a short time and then left me. Others are new to the journey. And a very few have been with me since our first meeting and have not left me. Not when I pushed them away, nor when I was no longer good for them. And I am thankful for all of the people who've walked with me.

I have a fear that sometimes I'll never be whole again. Sometimes I wonder If I ever was.

I'm no fool however, I know things could be much worse. I have a job that pays the bills. I have a home to give me shelter. I have food to keep me alive. But, just feels like there is so much missing. Call me greedy, but I want more in life. I don't want to just go through the motions. I don't want to just exist. I want to live again.