BlackButterfly's blog: "MY HELL"

I just recently had an epiphany. I held onto so much garbage and baggage that needs to be let go of totally. I was a self loathing person who doubted everyone and everything, no matter if it was good or bad. It jaded me, made me bitter, made me throw love away like trash. In turn this made me hate myself even more. I hereby release Martin Wanat of my hatred, anger, and rage. I forgive you for all the bad things you said and did to me while we were together. I forgive you and I'll try to forget the pain and suffering I had at your hands. I release Rashawn Reese of my hatred, anger, and rage. I forgive you for all you did to me, how you acted, and how I was treated by you. I forgive you and I'll try to forget all the pain and suffering I had at your hands. I release Nicole Bateau, Nikki Vega, and Mike Piper as well. All of you are forgiven for all the bad things you said, did, and how you acted towards me when I finally found happiness. I forgive you and I'll try to forget all the pain and suffering I had at your hands. I am issuing a formal apology to Nicholas Martinez here and now. I let you pay for the mistakes others have made. I realize now that I had no right to do so. At the time, I had no idea that I was doing that to you and it hurt me so much. It hurt me to watch your tears slide down your cheeks, to hear your voice break, and to know your heart was breaking as well. I have forgiven the people who actually hurt me before I met you and I have fully released them of my anger, rage, frustration, and pain. I want to release you now Nick, from the hatred I had of myself that I unleashed on you. I hated myself, wanted to destroy myself, and couldn't see all the good things you saw in me. I can finally see everything you saw in me, and hopefully will continue to see. I was angry at myself as well as doubting myself, and I thought I was never good enough to be anyone or good at anything. I doubted you as well, and that made me even more angry at myself. Instead of talking to you, I held it all in, making it worse. I unleashed the hate I had for myself on you, yelling, fighting, and bitching. At the time, I thought if I told anyone, they'd be mad at me or that you'd leave me. I realize now that you wouldn't have walked out, we would have just talked about it all. Then you would have made me feel better and we could go on as the loving couple we were. I am so sorry I broke your heart and that I hurt you so very badly. I'd give anything to make it all up to you, starting at the beginning. I'm still so in love with you, nothing else matters to me. People say I'm dependent, crazy or sick, but I know in my heart I am not. You, Nicholas, are the first and only man I have fallen completely in love with. I hope someday we can be back to the way we were.

RESCUE ME Everyting is dead and gone I'm left alone in the cold night In the darkest shadows I cry for you My heart and soul are hollow So frozen is my blood, my body Craving the warmth only you can give Needing, aching for your love Fearing I'll die without it So come for me, hold me, don't let go I miss your laughter and smiles Find me, help me, I'm drowning With your hands, reach for me Your spirit can save my own Pull me out of the twisted wreckage Breath life back into me Hurry, Im drowning, dying, breaking

DEEP WITHIN I've done my time in hell Seeking now only a paradise Knowing I can have it with you Always adoring you, always loving you All I can say is don't let go of me There's something so good about you That makes me feel so alive I know its only you who Keeps and holds my soul I searched everywhere, anywhere There's nowhere I can hide How I feel about you Its only you that keeps me living When I watch you leave, I die inside Needing you here with me, next to me Knowing I'll be stronger for it all Seeing you go kills me a little more So scared something will go wrong But I'll be strong deep within I'm always here for you Awaiting your love once again

RESURRECTION As warmth bleeds into cold As light turns to darkness While my blood freezes in my veins I try in vain to save myself Struggling against the bonds that hold me I remember your life giving love So, with renewed strength, I try again Remembering your angelic smile The touch that so enslaved my heart Now I plead my case to your heart Please come find what's left of me Trapped, imprisoned, tortured I can feel myself slip away Hurry, come find me, save me Bring my heart, soul,and body back to life Keep me in your arms forever Holding me safely and securely for eternity Kiss me once, kiss me twice, kiss me always Your love is sustaining, keeping hunger at bay Bring me home to your waiting arms

TORN APART All I ever wanted was someone To catch me when I'd fall All I ever needed was someone To love me whole heartedly But I made so many mistakes Now I'm in a clod and lonely place It's so dark and confining Did I die? Or am I still alive? I can no longer make sense of it Whenever you held my hand You were really holding my heart Never believed I could live Never thought I could love Never knew it was all so sweet I'm now in exile, away from love Never lving, never dying, always in between Now I am the Rose Of Hell Pick the right path, I unlock the door In my terror, I scream for you My heart bleeds for you My soul aches for you So desolate and torn apart inside Where do I go? What do I do now? Can someone help me?

This is for Nick, the only man I'll ever love in this life. I need you back my clown. I'm sorry I was a selfish bitch, I'm sorry I took anger out on you that was directed to myself, I'm sorry I ever hurt you. I know sorry won't change or fix anything between us, but I feel I need to say it. Hopefully you can forgive me and the things I did to hurt you so badly. I never meant to hurt you, I wanted to hurt myself because I didn't think I was good enough at anything. My anxiety and depression got the better of me, and I couldn't control it so well. I need you, I miss you, I love you, and want you back in my life for good. I promise I'll be better if you give me that chance to prove it.

WARRIOR GOD I'm in love with a great man He gives me so much love and devotion I couldn't have asked for a better man He protects me from all the bad things In my eyes he is beautiful in all ways He alone is my hero, my champion Why couldn't he have come sooner? My life would've been so much better Only he can save my soul Surely he must have been sent from above His eyes change colors with emotions They were kissed by the stars and the sun I'm willing to risk it all for him While we sleep, I feel safe in his arms I know I will always be his And he will always be mine He takes all my pain and fear away Its replaced with joy and paradise He is everything a man is supposed to be In an instant I know what he is He is my warrior god who Was sent here to conquer my heart He has succeeded in this And I'm never letting him go I love him more than being alive LOST IN YOU I get so lost in your eyes, your smile Your laughter is like music to my soul All my life I dreamed of you Your love speaks to my heart By taking a chance, you set me free I now have the energy to run to you I now have the energy to hold you Being in your arms, I'm free again I have the courage to face the days I get so lost in you It feels like a never ending dream You're my sun, my moon, my stars I can see the sun rise and set in your eyes Hold on to me so we'll never part Your love shines through my darkness I can get so lost in you When I look at you I can See all the good things in life You make me so happy in so many ways I am so lost in you

Through it all, you were there for me when others wouldn't even care. You took my hand and led me to my life, making me see what I was missing out on. You were there when I'd cry, when I would laugh and smile. You could make the rainy miserable days so full of sunshine and rainbows. I was too afraid to jump in head first, instead I only tested with my toes. I wish I could've jumped in like you did and always do, but I thought the worst. Now I feel like heaven died, paradise is lost, and all is sunken in the deepest pits of despair. All the tears I've cried, all the sleepless nights, all the dinners I can't stomach are all because I'm terrifed now. I don't know if I can handle losing you completely, maybe to another woman. I know I'm no match for half the women out there, but I do know that I am real, I know what love is, I'm faithful to you even now, when you're on the road. No one else can give you what I did or can. My tears now are bitter, staining my face and heart with blood, my soul has been ripped away, leaving the rest of me bare to be scrutinized by all. You alone are the only one who can make it all better, you can stop my tears, you can make me smile and laugh once again. All I need to hear is " I love you, I'm still in love, lets try again". Save me from my own personal hell and horrifying thoughts. I LOVE YOU NICK MARTINEZ, MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW!!!!!

BLEEDING WITHOUT YOU Knowing we can never be again Cuts me deeply in so many ways Once, our hearts were entwined But you pulled away from me Leaving me devoid and yearning Now blood pours from my broken heart And washes over my desolate soul I'm truly despondent, always crying All day and night, I wish for you To return to me and ease the pain I'm on my knees, begging you To forgive my sins and cleanse me As I sleep, I reach out for you Your name the only word on my lips In the deepest recesses of my heart I scream for the love I lost Waking, crying, needing your Strength, comfort, and love So alone I feel the darkness Threatening to swallow me When I hear your voice now I still get butterflies The ache is so deep I feel as though I'm drowning I'd do anything to get The love we shared back Wanting, hungering, craving it

BEAUTIFUL SOUL He has the most gorgeous eyes My breath catches when he looks at me His strong arms are warm and inviting This man makes my lips tingle And sets my body on fire His smile lights up a room I need this man in my life He makes me feel so wonderful I never had so much happiness and joy He has a big loving heart And takes such great care of me He is everything to me and means everything This man is, was, and always will be My first, honest, real, true love I dreamed of him all my life He encourages, supports, and loves me And I do the same for him He is my beautiful soul Strong, sweet, sensitive, warm, and loyal Oh, how I love him SECRETS He makes love to the shadows in my heart I only crave the love he gives me What was lost has been replaced The damages have been fixed He makes my heart beat again All I want is to love him unconditionally I take pride in who and what he is This man is the savior of my soul He alone knows I'm a fallen angel Jaded and bitter by my past He makes me see my future Alone, I almost died completely With him, I can live again He has a beautiful heart and soul I hurt both unintentionally And then I want to hurt myself He's perfect in every way I'd cleave my aching heart Just to keep him alive He's the only man I can ever love He makes love to the shadows in my soul I carry a song in my heart now