Over 16,528,564 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
Had VERY BAD day I do not know if I can handle this anymore! I say, I can, I will, I won't give in, I won't give up, because, I DO feel it,(mostly)..... BUUTTTT.. How much more of this, for how long am I going to have to do still? I also KNOW my problems could be worse. NO SHT! That is so NOT the point! Cuz,THIS IS worse!
I feel like a led brick building is on top of me! I can't breathe, think, talk, act! (much less, remain positive, & even still think I'm doing the right thing!) It seems all I actually CAN do is hold back my reactions,my emotions.. The problem with this method is, now I am beyond overloaded & now,,my REACTIONS are the RESULT of being drowned in this mess.
So, yea, I made MORE mistakes, yes, I fked things up AGAIN.& yes, all it did was make the shty situation even worse! (oddly enough, never would have thought it possible) Well fk! Doing this ALL ALONE is harder than it EVER was before! I am used to doing things alone, I have most of my life. Alone is all I know. I am a mom, simple,but alone in every other aspect.. I mean yeesh! Will anyone just give me one, just ONE little break? ONE morsel of hope? ONE reason I am even bothering to fight any of this still? Cuz all I see.. is ONE answer.. STOP.. because, deep down, don't I know,won't it be best?
Fighting against the monster for the sake of the innocent, HOPING to know what's best..Ahhhh, but, that lil innocent, is NOT as innocent as ppl think.. & maybe, just maybe, HE may be the one who gets to ultimately decide? (without knowing that of course)Cuz right now, NO ONE,,,NO ONE AT ALL, is even bothering to listen to me, with the intent of actually helping ME! seems even the official professional of it all is headed to the same conclusion.SOOO, thanks Monster, you have done your job, your purpose in life, your reason for being..Your wish was granted, you are going to get your way.. HELL< you're getting EVERYTHING YOOUUU WANT NOW! ..
OH good grief! I need to stop venting so vaguely.. but TRUST me! It is the ONLY way that ANYTHING will come out of me right now.. EVERYTHING IS VERY,VERY JUMBLED,MIXED UP,MESSED UP, FKED UP,! Yep!!! JUST LIKE this post! .. no wonder not a damn thing will probably make ANY sense AT ALL... just MORE ranting of a crazy ass dumb ass btch OOHH.. wait... this will all be so ultimately PERFECT for certain ppl inparticular to use against me!.. Hell, they seem to find out sht anyway..SO FKEM! THIS IS ME,THIS IS WHO I AM AT THE MOMENT! I am sooooooo TIRED of pretending!.. LATA peoples!.. THE END ! (YES FINALLY! ) well, for now.... hmm.....
I feel like I will be in a war for the rest of my son's life. He is only 9!
His father refuses to listen to reason.
He loves ripping my son out of my arms as my poor son screams & cries for me.
He enjoys not letting me talk to my son when he is visiting him.
I am still in yet ANOTHER court battle to modify custody.
He now wants 4 days & give me 3. The accusations are all unfounded, but he does it anyway.
My son does not want this! He likes the way things are.
He cries all the time because he has no choice or say so in the matter.
I only have a lawyer for the 1st part of the case.. Finding a mediator.(evaluator)
His lawyer is even filing 3 continues so far to stop child support & discontinue arrears
He is in contempt for not paying for 3 monts as it is..
FINALLY we have a set date in September for this
This is the only reason he wants my son. That & to torture me
I fear my son is having anxiety attacks over police calls due to stupidity on his dad;'s part
My son even said, no, he wants to saty with me, not go for his visitation vacation (to them)
Well, he went to a July 4th gathering & his dad forced him to stay
He cried for me everyday, but to no avail. He wasn't allowed to speak with me.
I am so sick & tired of all this sht.
I have had to put my son in therapy for it all.
Here ,he will have a voice..
I hope this evaluator sees what his father is doing,and sees what the therapist reports.
I hope the therapist will give a report that is
Well, I continue to fight like a momma lion, a momma bear.
He continues to fight like a snake, all for himself & no1 else matters.
& so.. the war rages on
Today is a miserable, manic Monday for me (& my son).Thanks to our legal system, which is supposed to protect children,not harm them... No, it is all about, money, power, who you know,& what you know(sleazy ins & outs of the system). In this manner, the court system cares less about the best interest of the child & more about the one with money, power, & who that person knows.It's a very sad state we live in when all that comes way before what is truly best for the child..
Some one sided,paid attorney and a judge she/he knows, do not know the full story of the child's life & of the other parent.They know what they are being paid to know. How is this in the child's best interest? They do not even know my child!!!!! Nor do they want to take the time to use a court appointed evaluator to try to actually find things out, from the child's & the other parent's point of view. THEY can make a decision based on that!
Of course, this is not how the game works.In the end, all the false accusations thrown around about myself or others,,the forced visitation, will all end up destroying the sweet,peaceful,kind,generous nature of my son. His wishes will never be heard. No matter how much he BEGS,PLEADS with me to go with me today..
So, my child's fate, a fate in which he desperately wishes to have his own voice heard... is in the hands of these paid monkeys who travel in their own packs.
it's almost impossible to explain it..
it is just when everything gets so overwhelming,you feel like you are spinning out of control,
every emotion is coming up on you in waves,
the only thing you can do to stop it all, it cut,the outter pain dilutes the torment inside..
you feel it physically & can handle that aspect of it better,
it's kinda like,popping a ballon filled with water,it releases the pressure....
make any sense?
I HATE THIS SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE SUCH CAOS, MISERY & PAIN?MY KIDS DID NOTHING! WHY MUST THEY SUFFER? I AM NOT SUPPOSSED TO SAY THE WORD "HATE"IT GIVES THE PERSON THAT FEELING IS DIRECTED AT WAAY TO MUCH POWER. HOW CAN I NOT?
I HAVE TRIED PEACE,I HAVE TRIED IGNORING, I HAVE TRIED FORGIVENESS, I HAVE TRIED IT ALLNOTHING WORKED.IT ALL CRUMBLES BEFORE MY EYES. SO WHERE ELSE DO I GO BUT HATE (TOWARD HIM)?HOW MANY MORE YEARS MUST I BE PATIENT,UNDERSTANDING,A DOORMAT,A PIECE OF SCUM UNDER A SHOE?THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH I CAN TAKE. I REALLY THINK THIS TIME IT IS MY BREAKING POINT,I HAVE RAISED UP MYSELF FROM ASHES SO MANY TIMES,I AM CHOKING ON THOSE ASHES NOW.
THIS COULD BE IT, THE LAST BATTLE THAT I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO FIGHT WITH. NO AMMUNITION. NO SUPPORT.NO HELP.NO WHERE TO TURN.I AM TRAPPED IN A CAGE IN THE CORNER WITH NO WAY OUT.THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BURNED OUT. I AM SO TIRED,DEFEATED,WITH NO HOPE,NO INNER LIGHT EVEN, TO GUIDE ME.
I AM SO SORRY MY CHILDREN THAT I HAVE FAILED YOU SO MUCH. I HOPE YOU DO REALIZE ONE DAY..I HAVE LOVED YOU SINCE YOU STARTED TO GROW INSIDE ME, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY OWN LIFE.YOU ARE MY HEART,MY SOUL,MY WORLD,MY UNIVERSE,MY EVERYTHING.PLEASE FORGIVE ME.YOU BOTH DESERVE SUCH BETTER LIVES.ALWAYS,FOREVER,REMEMEBER, OUR HEARTS GLOW & TOUCH, NO MATTER HOW FAR, OR HOW LONG APRT WE ARE OR WHERE LIFE TAKES US.I LOVE YOU HAYLEY & AYDAN EVEN IN DEATH
I LOVE YOU FOR ALWAYS,FOREVER,WHEREVER YOU MAY GO, I WILL BE THERE WITH YOU. WATCHING YOU, BY YOUR SIDE WHEN YOU NEED ME,YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE.I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS.
ALL MY LOVE,FOREVER,FOR ALWAYS,TILL THE END OF TIME AND BEYOND THIS UNIVERSEYOUR MOM
My son, he lives w/me, but b4 he went on his 2 wk vacation to my sis in DC, the ex had him for 10 days! he NEVERlet me talk to him even! during his vacation he got to do factime on the ipad! now, when he goes again, i wont talk to him 10 days! so, I have seen him 1/2 a day b4 his vacation, & 2nite will only be another 1/2 day!!! uuuuggghhhh
we had to FORCE him to goto him the 1st time.. LITTERALLY! he was in a ball, crying sooooo hard, we pulled him out ofmy car, I had to PUSH him to his dad, then he BEGGED, PLEADED w/him to let him stay just a few days... the ex, ripped him away, saying "let go now!" (he was holding on to me tight) then forced him into the car, still in a ball crying so hard, forced the seatbelt on him by making him sit up (he was laying on the seat!) The ex never answered my calls! I had to be sneaky, my daughter went over to give him a watch I had for him, his wife saw Aydan asking to get it, so, she let him (ex was not there)
now he is trying to get custody (for the 3rd time)! well, he wants 4 days & me 3!!! uuuggghhh.. my son does NOT want to go.. AT ALL!!!!! did I mention he has a lawyer fighting child support & the custody case too? HE claims Aydan wants to see him more, his nutritional needs & grooming needs are not met, & his school grades suffered due to no help with hw & too many absences.... BS for all! (ok, he was sick alot & other reasons) he had to stay home days when his dad called the cops to see why he kept calling to get him to talk to me, asshole would not listen to my son who begged him in front of cops to STOP asking him to live with him! & to PLZ talk with mom.. the ex IGNORED it all!..
My son threwup for almost 2 days , the counselor said, he better come to school! My son: he was having anxiety attacks for 2 days!& crying days after! he's 9!!!! legal aid here would not take my case because they are way too short staffed.. my ex lawyer is tooooo expensive, & now the ex knows , I have no1
PS... YES, I ALWAYS TRY TO DO EVERYTHING, ANYTHING I CAN TO KEEP THE PEACE. I AM FOREVER TRYING TO GET HIM TO COOPERATE WITH ME FOR OUR SON'S SAKE .. HE ONLY WANTS CONTROL, HIS NEEDS MET, TO HURT ME, EVEN IF THROUGH MY SON . HE CARES NOTHING FOR MY SON'S FEELINGS & THOUGHTS
I AM SOOOOO SORRY THIS IS WRITTEN SO JUMBLED! I JUST HAD TO GET IT OUT & WROTE IT LIKE THIS... PLZ DO NOT COMMENT ABOUT HOW IT LOOKS.. BUT IF YOU HAVE ANY GOOD COMMENTS OR ANY ADVICE.... FEEL FREE TO COMMENT
