My Greatest Fear Is: Part 6
PART SIX: Oct. 10, 2006 6:06pm
6th entry:
How I perceive the Percepts that Peter, my Master, gave me, and what they mean to me, each one expounded on separately:
1. Trust in Sir
2. Be honest with Sir at all times
3. Understand that you are property
4. Your primary goal is to please Sir
5. Your primary Fear should be Sir’s displeasure
6. Rewards from Sir are earned, not given
7. Pain is a gift from Sir, cherish it always
8. Always be aware you are a Sexual Creature
9. Constantly strive to better yourself
10. Never forget that Sir, while you Lord and Master, is still human
Trust in Sir:
It means that I must, without doubt or hesitation, place myself in Sir’s hands. To put my very soul in his care, and believe that what he says or does is the right thing for me to do.
I need to stop and realize that Sir is my mentor, my Master, my friend, and my lover. There is much more than that as well, but the gist of it is, I love and cherish Sir more than my own life. I would die for him if necessary that is how much I love and care for him. Therefore trusting in him is something that means believing in what he does and says to me and when he tells me to do something it is because it is in my best interest to do so with out question.
I am learning that if I don’t trust in what my Master says or does, that it makes for awful consequences, hence Saturday morning this past weekend. The reasons behind that blow out that morning are all written in the above blog. Perhaps it may not be completely clear to anyone when they read this, but it is becoming clearer to me more and more every time I sit and read these entries over and over again. There are still things that I know will never come out, ever, but with time, I will be able to finally put things to rest and live my life serving and trusting, and loving Sir always.
Be honest with Sir at all times
To be honest with Sir at all times means that I have to be completely honest, with myself as well. I have to be honest first with myself before I can be honest with Sir. If I am not honest with myself about how I feel or what I think, or anything like that, how can I be honest with my Master, or anyone else for that matter?
I am finding that reading everything that I have written in this entire series of blogs, so far, is the most honest thing I could do for myself, especially for my peace of mind. It places things in better perspective for me. But the outcome has to be that being honest with my self should bring total honesty with Sir at all times. Not knowing the things that were causing me to flip out like I did, and more than once because of the same thing that tripped it a couple of other times before, I could not come right out and say what was bothering, so I would go into the mode of saying that nothing was wrong or not say anything at all, or just ignore it because it usually went away for a while until the next trip- wire was set off.
In order for me to be a Slave worthy enough to serve Sir, I must be honest both to my self and to him or things will never work out between us. I am learning to break down certain barriers so that I can be honest about what is happening with me and to me. And I am going to show my Master that I am being honest about everything always. In this way the trust will be there anchored and secured to its mooring.
Understand that you are property
If I am Sir’s Slave, then I am his property, always. I have no control over my life, Sir does. I am there to serve Sir in all ways, sexually as well as normal everyday stuff. Keeping his home clean and organized, making his meals, being his sexual toy if he wants it, being his lover and his friend, being anything and doing anything he wants me to. I have to relearn this because of my past. Because I have to realize that Sir will never hurt me in anyway whatsoever, I have to trust that he will keep me safe always, and protect me from harm from others as well. And fighting him like I did the other day does not help matters at all, even though I was really not there in the present at the time so to speak. So I am going to push myself and make myself remember that he is not the enemy, he is my Master, he is my protector, and in all things I must do what he tells me to do and trust that I am safe and he knows what is best for me, because most of the time I damn sure don’t.
Your primary goal is to please Sir
This one is very easy for me to do, because I always strive to please everyone in my live and in my work. But sometimes I don’t always succeed and I get in trouble because of it by Peter, my Master, and at times it isn’t a pretty picture. Intentionally I don’t do it, it is usually an unintentional thing. It is something that occurs while in the midst of doing something else. Doing something I know I am not supposed to do but forget that I was not supposed to do it but do it anyway. And it doesn’t please Sir at all.
I am going to do what it takes to please Sir always. If I make a mistake, then I will have to correct it or suffer punishment with the belt by his hand. So I know that I had better do what I am told and be subservient to Sir always and please him so I will gain his love and affection and be able to continue serving him for the rest of my life.
Your primary Fear should be Sir’s displeasure
I do fear Sir’s displeasure very much. When I do something to make him extremely angry with me there are consequences that always follow in return. Even if I was not intentionally trying to anger him, like what happened on Saturday morning this past weekend. I did not intentionally try to anger him but when everything happened the way it did, my reaction was to control a situation that wasn’t supposed to be real to me but was. Because I was seeing someone else in Peter’s reaction when he got angry, I went straight back to when I was younger and had things that were bad happening to me all over again. And because I did anger my Master my punishment was basically to go back to my home and not to Sir’s apartment to stay the night like I had been doing over the last few months now. Basically I was grounded. He was punishing me but at the same time, he was forcing me to think about that reaction I had when he said to hit me hard, and work it to where I could finally see that it was not real anymore and it couldn’t hurt me anymore. But it was a punishment to me not being able to go and sleep in his bed with him holding me close.
So yes my primary fear is Sir’s displeasure, even if it is not intentional.
10:45pm
Rewards from Sir are earned, not given
When is comes right down to it, rewards are usually earned. My training collar was earned, not given to me. My being able to go and see my two guy friends on occasion is a reward that I earned as well. But I know that I don’t always deserve those type of rewards of being able to go to my guy friends for some fun on the side, or being allowed to go out and do something fun like going to a club or something because I have not earned that privilege at times.
I know when I am rewarded, because I was good and I did as I was told, and shown Sir that I want to serve him, and I show that I care for and love him by doing his bidding. And I know when said rewards are restricted because I did not show that I earned said rewards.
Pain is a gift from Sir, cherish it always
Pain, well this type of pain is another story altogether. The kind of pain I am talking about is pleasure from being flogged with a leather of chain mail flogger by Sir. Or the nipple clamps along with the flogging and being tied up also in many different positions while it is done to me. Those things are all gifts from Sir and much more as well aside from these things. I enjoy the type of pain I receive from him when I am good, but I do not enjoy the type of pain I would get with the belt or something like it, when I am being disobedient and go against my Master’s will. The pain that is good, is a gift from Sir, and I do hold it near and dear to my heart.
Always be aware you are a Sexual Creature
As far as being a Sexual Creature, I am a Sexual Creature. Always was and always will be for as long as I live. But I feel I am even more so when sir is around me and touching or holding or playing with me. He makes me feel every bit of being a Sexual Creature, I know I am a Sexual Creature.
Constantly strive to better yourself
It is always hard at first to strive to better myself. Because of things that happened to me in my past, it is difficult to believe that I can do things and do them correctly. And it is hard to strive to be better than I am when it is a necessary thing to do.
I felt so overwhelmed by a sense that I wasn’t able to find work at all over the past few weeks, or rather since after I was let go from Hewlet Packard back in July 2006. Every lead I got didn’t pan out for this reason or that reason, and it was extremely frustrating for me to deal with the let downs rather than the pick-me-ups. So I was very disappointed and disconcerted all at once. I felt so bad that I could hardly breath while I was searching for the answers that were right there in my face so to speak.
I landed a job this yesterday afternoon, and started working this morning being trained on that were pretty much still very cool for me. And other when I ran behind that boundary, I always have something there waiting for me in the background, ready to tear me down because I can’t find a job. But in spite of or despite these things that bring me down, am still going to go for something better than what I am doing now.
Never forget that Sir, while you Lord and Master, is still human
Yes Sir is human, through and through, there is no doubt about it. Master or no, he is human and he has feelings and emotions just like the rest of us do. But the difference between being Lord and Master over me and being human is a big difference. But Lord and Master, and being human can still be one in the same as
I must treat him with the respect that he deserves no matter what goes on or happens or else I venture on hurting him if I did not, and I won’t do that ever.
All these precepts I have to take to heart in order to be happy in my role as Summissive to Peter my Master, as well as for living my life openly and honestly always. The honestly is not just for my Master, but for myself as well, and no matter what, if I am not honest about my fears and dreams and my wants and needs, then I might as well give it up and lay low for e the rest of my life.
I look at everything I have placed here on these blogs and I see that I have already begun to make changes in my life, and in myself, by learning from them and realizing that these things have happened and that won't ever be erased, they will always be there as...like Peter/Master has said to me...they are part of who and what I am, and that will never change. I am a good person, I am someone who people can look to for help and friendship always. I am someone that s begiining to like myself as much as I love myself as much as I love my friends and my Master. This is a good thing and in the long run, now that I can finally put most of these memories to rest, permanently, and live my life as I should be living it.
I owe my Master everything for everything he has ever done for me over the many years we have known each other. I also owe someone, who is becoming a very close friend to me, for being there for me this past weekend when I freaked out the way I did, as well as for coming over to my home and talking with me when I needed to talk to someone. Her name is Debra, and she has had some pretty rough times herself. We both owe Peter, my Master, a lot for the things he has done for us.
For different reasons that are important to us, we owe ourselves to him. We both owe him our lives for different reasons. And I owe her for being a friend that I can trust and talk to, and I hope that she will always be my friend. I hope that she will always let me be her friend.
My life was a total mess and most of it up until now, I never really allowed to come out beause it hurt so much. And most of it didn't come out because it was buried so deep down that it was dormant accpet for the subtle kickbacks of memories that would flood through me when certain things trigger them.
I thank both Peter and Debra for being who they are...good people. And I think both of them for being there for me when I needed someone. I want to to the same fot Debra, and I am already doing it for Peter, but would like to do more.
