PART ONE: Today's entry 9:26am Monday Sept. 25, 2006
Most people I talk to tell me that they have no fears of any kind other than the normal "fear of water, or fear of fire, or fear of being smothered" that type of stuff. I think that everyone has some type of fear of that physical aspect of dying that way. I know I have a fear of Snakes, especially boas or pythons that are big enough to eat someone like me for lunch. But those are just your normal everyday fears that basically are like the boogyman, you can usually get over them as you get older, or not as the case may be. It all depends on the person and their state of mind. Some of those fears never go away.
For me the snake one will never go away, but that isn't my greatest fear.
My greatest fear is, not knowing my greatest fear. Or rather not knowing what that greatest fear actually is. Even though I have an idea that something is not what is seems in the back of my mind, I always manage to push it to the furthest reaches of my mind and lock them away as tightly as possible...make a fortress if you will that is impenetrable...and let it seemingly wink out of my life without so much as a by your leave. Ignore it if you will, until it ceases to exist. But it doesn't cease to exist. It only gets buried further and further down until it just lies there dormant, waiting for something to trigger it and start the small flame of doubt and fear. But I don't see it, and I don't realize that its there waiting to become stronger again. Waiting to rule my life all over again.
The bad thing about all this is that, I "DON'T" know what my greatest fear is. But at the same time, I have an idea as to what it is as well. Weird logic I suppose, but that's the thick of it, I know but I don't know.
My greatest Fear Is: Part 2
PART TWO: Sept.28, 2006 8:56am
2nd entry:
Because I don't know exactly what it is that I fear the most, I am totally at a loss when something happens to trigger a bad reaction, or a reaction that makes me extremely adamant about what I want or, in this case, what I "don't" want. And what I "don't" want is to be put in a position by someone in which I have no control over whatsoever. It is not in my best interest to be in that type of position at all, unless I want to be. It makes me feel totally helpless and unable to do anything that could stop that feeling of helplessness. It is probably an irrational emotion to have, but I do not believe that to be true. If that were the case, then anyone who has fears of any kind, no matter how big or small they are, is by definition being irrational.
From talking with Peter, I have discovered something about myself that I never realized was even there inside me, nor even thought to have been inside me for all these years, past and present. Upon talking, reluctantly, about this fear (which I didnt know existed at first) with him a few nights before, I discovered something about myself. I had pushed something very bad that happened to me many years ago, completely down into a little tiny dot deep inside me and covered it up with years of other things in my life making me forget that I even had this inside me. I already new that I didnt like taking orders, when I got older, from anyone, let alone my parents. Not even my bosses at work. But what I didnt know is, that even though I like to be in total control of any situation, and of other people, there is an underlying presence that makes it more pronounce with me.
I need to sit down and actually try to analyze this Fear before I can even begin to say anything more about it here, or tell anyone about it completely. What I do know is, that I do need to get this out in the open, for the sake of my sanity, as well as for peace of mind.
