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839172's blog: "my fuckin blogs :)"

created on 05/08/2007  |  http://fubar.com/my-fuckin-blogs/b80755

A bad day on the job

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all . Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jelly fish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry-decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you' re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

to fuckin true

1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences.... she thought he was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10.. I'm not a complete idiot --some parts are missing. 11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 15.. Consciousness: the annoying time between naps. 16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 18.. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. 19.. Procrastinate Now! 20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that? 21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begin with a cash advance. 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 25.. He who dies with the most toys are none-the-less dead. 26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 27.. Ham and eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson. 30.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on
10. Good sex keeps you healthy. It is the best exercise in the world. Saving you money on medical cost and gym fees. 9. Good sex keeps you from spending money as easily. You want to keep your clothes off. Face it, it is much harder to spend money naked than fully clothed. 8. Good sex makes you want to spend TIME, not money on the one that you want. 7. Good sex makes you crave your partner and not starbucks. You will save a fortune on not splurging on little things that make you happy for a brief moment. The knowledge that your cravings will be filled for hours at home will stop you from spending on little expenses through out the day. 6. Good sex makes you eat less. You will save thousands a year on lower food comsumption bills. 5. Good sex makes you want to plan for your future. It is so much easier to plan for a great future when you know what one aspect of your life will be. 4. Good sex is a great way to cut down on entertainemnt expenses. Do you really need the dinner, movie, and the perfect outfit? 3. Good sex is a vacation everytime. Do you really need to spend thousands seeing Mickey Mouse in his little red button shorts? Or would you rather see your mate without any pants on at all? 2. Great sex saves you hundreds on utility bills. You create your own heat in the winter and ice cubes are now much more exciting in the summer. Tie for the number ONE reason...depending on if you are career minded or family minded..... 1. Great sex puts you in a different frame of mind. Your co-workers wonder if you have successfully gained a new promotion or if you know something that they don’t know. It will drive them nuts, putting you in a position to out perform them. They will spend their time worrying, why you have the confidence to get the job done. or 1. Just the thought of you having sex will make your children run and hide. They can't ask you for money if they are hiding from you.
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
Q: My husband wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend. A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it. Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house, too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal. Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one. A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

funny as hell

A friend of mine that works for an aircraft company sent me this. It is hilarious. After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the maintenance engineers. ================================================ P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.
I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang. ME: Hello. AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T ... ME: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ... ME: This is AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ... ME: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr.Byron, please? ME: May I ask who is calling? AT&T: This is AT&T. ME: Ok, hold on. At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting. ME: Hello? AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron? ME: May I ask who is calling, ! please? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ... ME: This is AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ... ME: The phone company? AT&T: Yes, sir. ME: I tho! ught you said this was AT&T. AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company. ME: I already have a phone. AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day! ME: 7 days a week? AT&T: That's right. ME: 365 days a year? AT&T: Yes, sir. ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! ! That's amazing! AT&T: We think so! ME: That's quite a sum of money! AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up. ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance? AT&! ;T: Excuse me? ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute. AT&T: What are you talking about? ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment. AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme?I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for ... ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please? AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is nece! ssary. ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold. At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner. SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron? ME: Yeth? SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program. ME: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is. ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan. SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you. ME: Thank you. I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone. AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan? ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother... AT&T: click........

Senior Personal Ads

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?): FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition , but walks well.

Anger management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I dialed what I thought was Robyn's number. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Ron. Could I please speak with Robyn?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear. "There's no Robyn here. Get the right F**king number!" and the phone was slammed down. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with Robyn, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program? " He yelled "No!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, which included his phone number. So I wrote down the number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole I thought I'd better call the BMW asshole too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is," he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd. It's a yellow house and the car is parked out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you home, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes" "Don, you're an asshole!" I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello" "You're an asshole!" But I didn't hang up. "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. " Stop calling me." he screamed. "Make me" I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd. It's a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and I hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole!" I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass,"he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News crew about the gang war going down on Mowbray Blvd. I got in my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch the two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. Now I feel so much Better. This Anger Management stuff really works.
1. Women wear high heels to bed. 2. Men are never impotent. 3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory. 4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her. 5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm. 6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men. 7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob. 8. Women always orgasm when men do. 9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket. 10. All women are noisy cummers. 11. People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background. 12. Those tits are real. 13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt. 14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum. 15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!) 16. Double penetration makes women smile. 17. Asian men don't exist. 18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes,the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth. 19. There's a plot. 20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt. 21. Nurses suck patients cocks. 22. Men always pull out. 23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you. 24. Women never have headaches... or periods. 25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it". 26. Assholes are clean. 27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned. 28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there. 29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip. 30. Dorky guys never have to beg.
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