OK, I wanted to give more of a background on my father from my last entry.
More or less, my father was abusive to my mother, myself, and my sister when we were little. He would lock us in our rooms while he went to the race tracks, or while he was just in the living room wathcing TV so he didn't have to put up with us. My parents divorced when I was around 2, my father has never really been there at all for me or my sister. Financially he was, $200 a month until my sister turned 18 then $100 a month until I turned 18. Other than maybe a few visits a year, here and there and depending on the year and where we were living that was it. I have always had a problem with him, I dont understand why he can't just be there for us. I dont understand why he doesnt care to know what is going on with us, or worry about us. I dont care if he is busy working, or doing whatever with his new family we are his children and he is suppose to be there for us. That is his responsibilty, he is our FATHER, I dont know how many times I go over this but it is always the same, if he isnt going to be in our lives, then I would rather not know who my father is. I dont care if I am being selfish, and I know TONS of people out there have it worse, but this is me, this is MY life and how I am feeling. I am tired of it, I am tired of him, if he died tomorrow I dont think it would effect me in anyway except for the fact that he wouldnt be around to abandon me anymore.
I say these things out of anger and being hurt I know this. I wish I could tell them these things in real life, but whenever I am around I do my best to get him to notice me. All I want in life is his approval of me, and for him to NOTICE me, I am tired of being in the shadow, of him ignoring me. When he is around, it is all about my sister she is older than I am, she has blown up at him. It is like he is trying to constantly prove to her that he is a good father, but what about me? I barely know ANYTHING about him, if I had my choice I wouldnt even know who my biological father was. I think it hurts worse knowing he is just a phone call away, and he could call anytime but doesnt, then not knowing who he is at all.
We moved to Oregon to be closer to him, we lived there for 6 years I saw him all of about 18 times, 3 times a year. Christmas, birthday, and then an odd thing here or there. It is disgusting. I know I could call him I know I could try and make an effort, but I have been doing that for most of my life and I am tired of it. I think now it is time to say enough is enough and be done with it, be done with him.
When I was in the hospital the second time, for my depression again, we talked a lot about talking to my dad. It was around Thanksgiving, and I remember I was banned from going to their Thanksgiving celebration because they were afraid I would have it out there, I may have I admit. But then I would have gotten it out, 5 fucking years later and he still has no idea what I think of him. The funny thing is, he actually looked hurt, and like he was going to cry when we told him that we were moving back to Kansas. If he didnt want us to move back then maybe he should have been there, maybe if he had cared a little more then we wouldnt have moved back. Maybe...just maybe, if he was a father then we wouldnt have left. Fuck being a father, if he was just THERE then that is SOMETHING. He was nothing, he IS nothing.
Give him a chance you might say, I have given him hundreds....I am done with chances.
A lot on my mind tonight, no one to listen to me so I blogged.
