This morning I have woke up and realized that I am slowly turning into my father or at least treating people like my father treats me. Its killing me. I wanted to cry; I did cry then I thought I NEED TO CHANGE THIS! I sit here wondering what I can do to change it... I don't know. My father continues to bring me down, belittles me, treats me like I am nothing, I hate it! I try to stand up to him and my mother pleads with me not to but then I internalise it and it builds up and builds up. Then it comes out in the ways I treat people, the way I talk, the way I see/feel people are treating me. I know some people blame that 'attitude' on somone else in my life, but honestly guys its not her! I promise. You see its her cause u met me after I met her and saw how unhappy I was. I'm (was) not (completely) unhappy cause of her, my father is killing me and he can't even see it. I don't even want Christmas this year, its sad. I have no joy in me. I hate being so negative... GRRR... He treats me like I know nothing, that I am nothing, and that I do nothing. I work third shift, I do alot in the mornings that no one sees but my mother. It kills me right now that when I leave, she's gonna be left with this monster that she doesn't wanna be with. She cries cause she has no where to go, she can't leave cause she can't support herself, she can't do anything. If I was a good enough daughter/person I would get her out of this house. He's killing her, killing her spirits, she's not happy.
Slowly its coming to me why I am failing in relationships... My father, he has embedded this attitude in my head. Its engraved into my brain, my heart... I don't want to be like this, I don't want to feel like everyone is gonna do this to me. I don't want to be so negative, so jumpy at people. A lot of people blame all of this on someone else in my life, but they don't see what my father does to me, and she does. I talked to her about this today and told her this and she was the one that said "I choose to ignore it cause I am here to see it, its others that don't understand." Which is very true. I need and want to change this about me, but how? Where do I begin. I am not trying to blame my father for EVERYTHING, I am a grown person, I can make my own decisions, I understand that but it is also how I am raised. I'm just turned around right now and don't know which way to go, where to start, what to do once I get to where I am going.
My brother, Scott, once told me something when I was probably 12 and then again when I was 16 and then again when I was 21. I saw what he was saying but I didn't believe EXACTLY everything he said. He told me that if I didn't get out of this house, away from my father, I was gonna turn into him. I am sorry Scott, I see it now and I'm scared its to late!
