Bunny's blog: "My Escape"

there is one man in my life that I love and will always love for the rest of my life, Hunter. I can not have him due to certain circumstances. He is not married. He lives very far away. He has goals in his life and so do I, this is the reason why we can not be together. he knows me better than anyone ever will. I tried to put him out of my life because it hurt too bad to know I couldn't have him. I moved on slowly. I found a friend that I am becoming more with every day. Recently I have been having indications that Hunter is checking on me again. He is leaving me messages on my myspace page and has left me an email on my emtcity email. I am not sure quite what to think about it. I love him, I would pick up and leave everything if he asked me to, but have tried to put him out of my life so I can move on, but its obvious he is still interested. What do I do? What do I say?

so the saga continues... now after not paying support, he files for a change in support, dissolution... he moved 2 1/2 hours away and now wants me to drive at least one trip to take my son to him.. I think not... he doesn't pay support so according to our divorce decree, he is not current, he doesn't get to claim any of the kids on taxes... now he wants me to revise my taxes so that he can claim our daughter... I think not. Such the liar he is... making false statements in these court documents... has even tried to make me feel guilty for going to school and said our son should come live with him while I finish school. You know what I wish?

Never Have I Fallen Your lips speak soft sweetness Your touch a cool caress I am lost in your magic My heart beats within your chest I think of you each morning And dream of you each night I think of your arms being around me And cannot express my delight Never have I fallen But I am quickly on my way You hold a heart in your hands That has never before been given away - Rex A. Williams -

do you ever have so much to say and not sure how to express it? I hate being alone, alone for even one single second. Anxiety consumes me, fear of what to do, fear of who I am, fear of the whole of being alone. Chest pain consumes me, squeezing the very breath out of me, wondering where the beauty of life is. when others are around I am different, but the same. alone inside. wishing for love, dreaming. desire for attention, of any sort. but its all a big secret, Im dieing inside, my heart yearns for someone. someone to share my life, my dreams with, a knight... it will never exist, I sit up at night wishing... trying very hard for the next breath but secetly wishing it would envelop me, take me away so the pain will stop.

I am not quite sure where all of this is coming from but I feel like I am in this state of confusion... I have been alone for almost 2 years, I have been talking to a man that I thought was a really amazing guy, but all the sudden, he is staying at the house, and I almost feel invaded and he is a different person. He isn't as loving and I seriously need that. I don't want him to stay but I don't know how to tell him... My partner has also been trying to ask me out and that won't work, because he is my superior. I do not date anyone I work with, its unethical... So isn't there just one guy out there that actually treats a woman like a lady, I know of a few that are amazing, but they are taken... so as I sit here every night and wonder why I am alone, I begin to wonder if its just me... if this is what is meant to be. if it is, then I guess thats the way it will be until it should be different.

It's been said that the most powerful urge is to mate and procreate -- continuation of the species and all that. I believe that the most powerful and persistent *human* urge is true intimacy -- the ability to let down our defenses and simply share our existence with another human, who will accept us for what we are and where we are, and love us at that point. The drive to find this other person to share our being with (I think) surpasses our other needs once we get past the basics of food, shelter, and clothing. True intimacy -- absolute unconditional acceptance of another in every way -- will result in the kind of physical intimacy that *can* be expressed by sexual activity. The problem is that many people try to shortcut the necessary work of discovery and acceptance of the other person by jumping straight to the sexual intimacy. Without the effort of discovering what the other person is all about, the work of addressing one's own feelings during this process, and the dropping of one's defenses to accept the other person -- the intimacy that results from sex isn't fully appreciated and falls short of expectations. There are too many shallow people around who are willing to substitute quick physical sexual activity for true intimacy. The real reward in a relationship isn't the sex, but the deeper kind of intimacy. Granted, sex appeal is an aspect that will always be present, but in order to really enjoy it both parties have to know, understand, accept, respect, revere, and love the other person.

Why is it that men seem intimidated by me? I have been single for a year and a half and only one date... what the heck... I am not ugly, Im independent, I have goals and am working towards them, I am smart, driven, so what is the problem? I just want one guy, just one guy to make an effort to want to be with me and show me what its like to be with someone special. Too much to ask?