Frayed Knot FM2 DRK's blog: "Alana"

I had a dream. A dream so real I could feel it.

Spending an afternoon with my family, seeing family I haven’t seen, not in a hurry, going nowhere.  We were leaving to go home, the only place I wanted to be.  As we were driving my tire was struck by a very elongated unrealistic dog. I was so frustrated thinking to myself, “great this is exactly what I need, another expense right now”.

We pulled over at the next possible place and got out of the car. We went into this place which was filthy and not exactly child friendly. We were leaving when a man bumped into me and I grabbed his arm to tell him he was rude. He actually hit my arm and kept walking. The corridor seemed like it went on forever. We kept walking with the sole purpose of escaping this place but I couldn’t let go of this man who had bumped me and hit me, how dare he be such an asshole!

He was not what I would ever call attractive or appealing. Not in a sense I seem to base my general opinions. I wasn’t feeling anything but anger when I grabbed his hand again telling him I expected an apology.  He squeezed my fingers this time but not enough to hurt me and he bumped me again. I didn’t want to lose this battle of will so I bumped him back.  We were still walking and I could hear my brothers and son making comments behind me. I was so focused on this man I simply ignored them while I sought to get the apology I was after. We exchanged very few words but still it was a battle of wills, neither of us budging in the direction the other was standing in.

The corridor still stretching on before us started sloping upward and we kept walking toward what we thought was the exit. Instead it was a place where the children could play video games and the adults were able to sit. This man and I still weren’t talking. I wanted my apology but not as much as I did before. I wanted to understand why he was a jerk. What could have made him dislike women?

Not once considering he hadn’t let go of my hand.

We decided to get some food and walked to a very strange but expansive concession stand.  On the way up the entrance we stopped at this frozen ice cream shelf that hosted little frozen cakes made in different shapes. We both had a tiny cake and it was a very relaxing moment. In silence, neither of us made any attempt to walk away from each other.  A lot of time passed as we enjoyed those cakes and we lost track of what was going on around us. My family was waiting for us to order food so we all could eat. We continued to follow the path to where we could see the rest of my family. I could tell I had annoyed them with the delay and I heard them saying things I felt were unwarranted.

“I bet you $20 bucks she fucks him tonight.” The most difficult realization for me in that statement was I had already decided I would do just that if the situation presented itself. Then I was horrified that my family thought as little of me as I do of myself.

We ordered some cheeseburgers and sat down to eat.  One very large and very diverse group of people that I love with all of my heart and this man I don’t know but can’t help feeling drawn to.

 I decided to be bold and I asked him to have dinner with me the following night. He said, “NO, I can’t have dinner tomorrow.”

This was not the answer I expected. I tend to be very impatient when I want something. I asked, “What about the next night?”

“I can’t have dinner with you then either,” was his reply.

I feel sadness creeping up and I want to push it down and run away with my pride when he smiles. What a beautiful sight that is to behold. He says, “Listen, my sister will be here tomorrow and she is staying for one week. I can’t have dinner with you until she is gone but if you can be patient, I will make it up to you when we can spend time together.”

This gruff man with tattoos and long dark curly hair who wouldn’t stop traffic for a second unless he snarled, the same man who has a beautiful smile, huge green eyes that sing to my soul,  just opened a door to me and I couldn’t really say how that made me feel except for happy. It was a feeling of relief as well that he might want to see me again.

The dream ended with my sister-in-law feeling frustrated and wishing that she chose a different life. And the next thing I saw was her standing in an office building downtown. The lobby was empty but on the windows you could see the slogan…Live Your Life.

I don’t know why the dream ended like that or so abruptly. But I woke with a purpose of putting as much of it down on paper as possible so I can remind myself that it isn’t what we see that is important, it is what we don’t see. Those little things we take for granted. The hasty judgments we make.  

I want the man I met in my dream. The one I don’t understand but can’t be without. The one, who will frustrate me, then set me at ease. It’s not easy to explain, but I know that what I felt was the spark I need. The one I need to open my heart and let me live my life with someone by my side.