My dark corner Blog by Momma Maggi
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Momma Maggi's blog: "My dark corner"

created on 09/29/2011  |  http://fubar.com/my-dark-corner/b343810

I wasn't looking for you.


I wasn't thinking about finding someone to love, someone to love me.


I was looking for a friend, someone to kill time with, someone to laugh with, someone to argue with, someone to bounce ideas off of, someone to relate to, someone to help my rational mind grow... I found so much more.


You became my lover, and my best friend. You became someone to spend time with, not kill it. You became someone cry with, not just laugh. You became someone to run to, not just relate to. You became someone who made my heart grow, not just my mind.


I had forgotten how to love, rationalized away my emotions, attributed love, hate, pleasure, pain, fear, guilt, lust, passion... all to baser instincts which must be overcome.


You taught me to love again, taught me that my baser instincts are necessary to life, happiness, joy. You taught me that feelings, even the bad and painful ones, are beautiful and should be embraced.


You're gone now, but never forgotten. The gifts you have given me, I will carry with me for the rest of my life, and I am a better human being for having known you. You gave me the power to find my peace.


Wherever you go, whatever you do, always remember; somewhere there is someone whom you have touched so deeply, so fully, that the miserable, lonely, cynical person they once were is no more, and that in their place stands a stronger, more loving, braver person, who is willing to hurt if it means finding happiness.


Thank you for all of these beautiful gifts, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I will never forget you, I will always love you and, because of you, I will always love me too.


I wasn't looking for you... but I'm so grateful I found you.

Silly girl, you fall apart...

each time you open up your heart.

You know it's stupid, you know it hurts.

You know it's more pain than it is worth.

Why do you let it happen? Why don't you fight it?

It's not like you're looking, you don't invite it...

It just finds you, takes hold so tight...

Makes you think it will keep you warm at night.

But as fast as it came, it's gone away,

Left you to hurt... the price you pay.

Turn it off, silence your heart...

If you keep letting it in it'll rip you apart.

No more feeling, no love, no tears.

No more hurting, no more fears.

Let it go, don't fall again.

Build that wall up tall within.

Brick and mortar, iron and steel.

Whatever it takes to no longer feel.

Don't let anyone see you. Don't let anyone in.

Don't let anyone hurt you, never again.

Don't get personal, don't be caught exposed...

Just keep that heart of yours safely closed.

You silly girl, you know you fall apart

each time you open up your heart.

Contradictions of Us

7/4/2012

 

 

It hurts so badly. It feels so good…

I don’t want it to end. I don’t fear that it could.

 

This pain is pure pleasure, this pleasure, pure pain.

I know I’m not crazy. I think I’m insane.

 

I can’t feel what I’m touching. I can’t touch what I feel.

This is so overwhelming. So real, yet surreal.

 

This feeling stays with me, through the day and the night.

It can’t possibly be wrong. It can’t possibly be right.

 

You’re with me each moment, yet we’re so far apart.

You live there, you live here, inside of my heart.

 

We can’t be together. We’re together all the time.

We can’t have each other. I’m yours and you’re mine.

 

You own me, I’m his. I own you, you’re hers.

I can tell you what I’m feeling. I can’t find the words.

 

What’s happening here... I can’t quite explain.

The contradictions of us. I’m racking my brain.

 

What can be, can’t be. What can’t be, is.

What is, isn’t. I can’t comprehend this.

 

I need to stop thinking, picking it apart.

I need to figure out what’s happening to my heart.

 

Stop.

No… go.

Go.

No.. stay.

Leave.

Don’t leave me.

Tomorrow.

Today.

 

Want me. Don’t want me. I want you so bad.

I’ve never been with you. You’re the best that I’ve had.

 

Need me. Don’t need me. I need you so much.

You’ve never touched me. I’m in love with your touch.

 

It hurts so badly. It feels so good.

I don’t want it to end. I don’t fear that it could.

Dishes breaking, fists are shaking, children crying, mom's denying.

Father's yelling, but no one's telling about the sound of abuse from behind the door.

 

Baby's sleeping, mothe'rs weeping, brother's screaming, father's gleaming.

Sister's crying as father's trying to force her down upon the floor.

 

You hear the screams, you hear the shouts, you here the abuse; there is no doubt.

You hear the yelling and are finally telling about the sound of abuse from behind the door.

 

Now brother cries as he testifies, sister's in the loony bin. Baby's dead and mother's head feels as if its caving in...

but the sound of abuse from behind the door, wont be bothering you... not anymore.

I hear knock at the door. Maybe if I’m quiet they will go away. They’re still knocking; for fucks sake. I open it and there he stands, I know it’s him right away, though we have never met…

 

“It’s you! You came!”

 

“Yes, Dear, I’m here, but only for a moment. I heard you calling for me, so persistent are your cries.”

 

“I’ve been so lonely, so lost for so long. I’m so glad you are here.”

 

“I know of your pain, but I cannot help you right now, I have other matters to attend to and must be on my way. You know now that I have heard you, that I am real and am paying attention. I will be back for you, one day.”

 

“But, I want to go with you, I want to go now! Please, don’t leave me here to suffer anymore! Please, take me with you.”

 

“I’m sorry Dear, that’s just not how it works. I cannot take you with me, for it is not time for you to go.”

 

“Don’t abandon me! Don’t leave me!”

 

“I’m not abandoning you, Dear. I’ve been with you longer than you know.”

 

“If you don’t take me now I’ll just take matters into my own hands, I’ll end it, you don’t control it.”

 

“Yes, Dear, I do. When you took the pills, I turned your stomach. When you fired the pistol I jammed the chamber. When you dropped the blade I gave your friend the feeling that led her to your door. If it is not your time, I will always intervene. There is an order to things, you are not in control.”

 

“I beg you, please, make an exception. I can’t live like this anymore. It’s so dark, so lonely, so miserable. Please, please take me with you!”

 

“Goodbye, Dear. I’ll be back for you, in time, when your number comes up. Not before then, it’s out of my hands.”

 

“But I welcomed you, I called for you, you came because I called.”

 

“I came to tell you that it is not your time, just because you call for Death, does not mean Death will take you. You must live on, it’s not a matter of want; it’s just what is.”

 

Then, he was gone. I cried out for him but he did not return. He left me here, he abandoned me to suffer, left me with my pain, left me here alone. So here I sit, aching, pining for Death, waiting for him to return, waiting for him to take me away.

I hear knock at the door. Maybe if I’m quiet they will go away. They’re still knocking; for fucks sake. I open it and there he stands, I know it’s him right away, though we have never met… 

“It’s you! You came!”

“Yes, Dear, I’m here, but only for a moment. I heard you calling for me, so persistent are your cries.”

“I’ve been so lonely, so lost for so long. I’m so glad you are here.”

“I know of your pain, but I cannot help you right now, I have other matters to attend to and must be on my way. You know now that I have heard you, that I am real and am paying attention. I will be back for you, one day.”

“But, I want to go with you, I want to go now! Please, don’t leave me here to suffer anymore! Please, take me with you.”

“I’m sorry Dear, that’s just not how it works. I cannot take you with me, for it is not time for you to go.”

“Don’t abandon me! Don’t leave me!”

“I’m not abandoning you, Dear. I’ve been with you longer than you know.”

“If you don’t take me now I’ll just take matters into my own hands, I’ll end it, you don’t control it.”

“Yes, Dear, I do. When you took the pills, I turned your stomach. When you fired the pistol I jammed the chamber. When you dropped the blade I gave your friend the feeling that led her to your door. If it is not your time, I will always intervene. There is an order to things, you are not in control.”

“I beg you, please, make an exception. I can’t live like this anymore. It’s so dark, so lonely, so miserable. Please, please take me with you!”

“Goodbye, Dear. I’ll be back for you, in time, when your number comes up. Not before then, it’s out of my hands.”

“But I welcomed you, I called for you, you came because I called.”

“I came to tell you that it is not your time, just because you call for Death, does not mean Death will take you. You must live on, it’s not a matter of want; it’s just what is.”

Then, he was gone. I cried out for him but he did not return. He left me here, he abandoned me to suffer, left me with my pain, left me here alone. So here I sit, aching, pining for Death, waiting for him to return, waiting for him to take me away.

Crawl closer, forsaken. Into the blackness.

Open eyes in the moonlight watch you standing in a window of despair.

Listen! Listen closely! Listen for something real.

Hope... it's fading away.

You're getting restelss now, you'll  never pick up the messy pieces.

I am your poison, I can take it all away.

Get away, receive midnight, inhale the darkness as it consumes you.

Get away. Get away from the sun and bright lights.

Get away from family and the closeness of friends.

Shield yourself from this world and it's pains and tribulations.

Now you're wasted, twisting, yet tired and stationary.

I have you.

Everything and nothing will make since when I am done with you.

Young angel, surrender... I've got you up against the wall and I will devour you.

As you begin to drown in an ocean of despair I will whisper to you thoughts and notions of sadness, pain and suffering.

Welcome to my world, let me tell you who you are;

You are a fool and no one wants you.

You are an ugly bore.

You are worthless, useless, simply taking up space.

You would be better off dead.

Through your death... I release you.

The dark is getting darker.
I can hardly see the light.
The air is cold, chaotic.
The end is almost out of sight.

The walls are cool and moist.
They chill me to the bone.
The ground is damp and dank.
I fear I'm all alone.

I try to call for help.
The wind blows and stills my voice.
I listen closely in the blackness.
In this place there is no noise.

The silence here is deafening.
The lack of life is queer.
Am I all that is breathing?
How did I get here?

A sadness is descending.
Made from loneliness and pain.
All happiness is dying
As it begins to rain.

The raindrops burn on contact
Leaving red marks on my face.
The walls are closing in now.
I'm running out of space.

I'm searching for some shelter
To shield me from the rain.
The walls are getting closer.
I fear I've gone insane.

I call for help once more.
No once can hear my cry.
I bow my head, surrender.
Is it my time to die?

The dark is getting darker.
I no longer see the light.
The air is cold, chaotic.
There is no end in sight...
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