my dad has been dead for 4 years. i find that hard to believe. i dream about him very often. in my dreams i know he's dying but thought he was already dead...i know that doesn't make sense...but in my dreams it's like i know he's supposed to be dead or that he will be dying soon. in 2003 my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. it hit my family pretty hard becos it was so unexpected. it was just a really hard time for me. for all of us... but i'm expected to be "the strong one." so it was really hard for me to keep up that front. i was really close to my dad as a little girl. i had a t-shirt that said "daddy's girl." & i have written about this before & it's still just as hard to write about as it for me to write about 2 years ago. my dad & i drifted apart. & we were no longer close as i got older. i try not to blame my mom for this but she is the reason my dad pushed me away. she was always really jealous & as a matured she made him feel like he couldn't talk to me so it was hard for him to communicate with me. cos i think he was afraid my mom would get jealous....& that's fucked up cos he was my father. & he had the right to be my daddy. but we grew apart. we stopped talking even tho we lived in the same house. in my 20s i'd see him at the local bar & he'd buy me drinks & it's like that's how he showed me affection. one drunken night i gave him a great big hug. & he told my mom "now i can die happy now that i know that jolie doesn't hate me." & that totally broke my heart when my mom told me that. & i know she blamed herself for making us bother feel like we had to push each other away. she also blamed herself for his death. my dad was 21 years older than my mom. he'd be 70 years old now....but right before my dad got sick she left him. she moved out & she had a new boyfriend. & she felt guilty. when we all found out about his cancer i happened to be spending the night at my mom's new apartment. i just got out of the shower & was spritzing on my mom's white grape body spray. i heard my brother joseph's voice. i didn't hear anything he said. but i could tell by his tone that something was wrong.& i knew it was about my dad cos he was supposed to go to the doctor that morning. i did not want to come out of that bathroom. but when i did joseph was gone & my mom was sitting in the living room. she looked crushed. she looked like a lost child. i said "what's wrong?" she said "yer dad only has 3 months to live." & she burst out crying. so i just hugged her & all i could do was comfort her. i didn't cry. i stayed strong for my mother. she said it was her fault cos she left. & i told her it wasn't. she said "i knew he'd die if i left." then when joaquin woke up we had to tell him. he had no reaction. i think we all feel like we gotta be strong so that my mom doesn't fall apart. she's had so many members of her family die--her 2 brothers & her parents at different times in her life. so we hafta be strong for her so she knows she'll be okay. atleast that's how i see it....i avoided home as much as possible. i stayed at friends houses cos i couldn't deal with the stress of my dad's illness.& the fact that my mom would disappear & tried to overdose twice. & joaquin also diappeared a few times & ran away to a mental health hospital. i went to visit my dad as much as i could. but i couldn't bare to see him die. i got a "Daddy" tattoo & showed it to him & it made him smile really big. so i was happy that he was aware that i got the tattoo for him. & he knew that i loved him.soon the cancer ate away his brain & he couldn't communicate as well. it was hard to watch. i couldn't handle seeing my dad so helpless. the last time i saw him he seemed so small. he lost alotta weight & it made me so sad. he died the next morning...alone. i am so scared that i will die alone...& even tho it sends me staright into a panic attack--i think about it a lot. & i wonder if he knew he was dying when he died & what was the last thing he thought about??? i wish he coulda lived to see me get married & hold his grandkids (if i ever have children that is). it breaks my heart to know he won't be there for that.i didn't go to his funeral. i can't handle funerals.i haven't been to one since i was 10. i visit his grave a lot tho. my family leaves him flowers,toys, & beer. even tho we were not close for a long time he was still my dad & i still loved him & i know how much he loved me. i miss my daddy.
