Please delete this's blog: "My Blogs are random"

Always there is a retreating figure Dry rocks, a heath, some twigs Where authority breaks down experiment escorts us Dry rocks then tempest and then rags Ragelight and then gradually A breaking in the mind like something lashed unlashed The mind different then, a river lapping its banks No longer insisting it's only plunge and tremor The banks mossy as when softness lures and bewilders the bewildered heart . . . Always there is a retreating figure The sky unremarkable above it The earth radioactive or not, the power lines buzzing or not Phones in each of the houses or phones not yet invented Or phones already obsolete It's hard to walk for so long year in year out but the figure walks it walks Is it blind has it a stick has it a daughter Somewhere the built world going on about its business Somewhere buildings crowding ever closer . . . Always there is a retreating figure (But my skin is almost nothing now, a tapestry of doubts, a tablet evanescing) All around it the quiet bedlam of each fact What's conclusive or not, newly proven or not Then the conclusions contradicted, the conclusions revised or thrown away What does it want where is it going Its feet registering the unevenness of earth (If there were an otherwise in me, if I could feel a clean extinction) Bare rocks up ahead bare rocks behind it And in its ears the heavy silence of the balance sheets, the tallies Then the ledgers tearing The ledgers burning free

Thinking has a quiet skin. But I feel the break and fled of things inside it, Blue hills most gentle in calm light, then stretches of assail And ransack. Such tangles of charred wreckage, shrapnel-bits Singling and singeing where they fall. I feel the stumbling gait of what I am, The quiet uproar of undone, how to be hidden is a tempting, violent thing— Each thought breaking always in another, All the unlawful elsewheres rushing in.

I'm waiting, waiting for everything to change,the day when you don't matter to me anymore. Loving someone that doesn`t love you is like reaching for a star you know you're never going to reach it but you just keep trying. I promised myself that I was over you, but when I look into those eyes, I can't help but wish you were mine. & I can't get him out of my head he's ruining my life & hurting my chance of ever living again. Theres something about him that makes him so terribly attractive yet I cant put my finger on it. Just looking at him puts me in awe. I guess he'll always be my perfect flaw. You can't just kiss me and expect it not to mean anything to me, you can't just walk away from me with no regrets or second thoughts, you can't just treat me like I'm not even worthy of your smile ----yet you have, you did, you are. Isn't it funny how you can think you're completely over someone but if you drive past his house, stumble upon a meaningful song you both shared, or even get a glance of him on the street....just in an instant, it can change all that. And you start to remember the pain. And that hollow space is feeling more and more like the Grand Canyon with every second that goes by. But you bury these feelings deep down, so deep that you're sure no one will be able to tell. To the outside world, you smile and act like nothing is wrong or will ever be. Everything's just perfect. For that split second that you've locked eyes, a tiny whisper, say 'make this last forever, only and just this moment forever and ever'. But after a second or so, you go along your own merry way, all the while home realizing how much you do miss him, how much you still love him...and it sticks with you for days, weeks, maybe months, until fate decides to hand you another one of those unexpected moments. We talked a little today. We shared some civil, almost light or humorous words..and yet it didn't feel the way it used to. I didn't get the feeling that I used to. Nothing is the same anymore. The looks aren't the same, the bond is not the same..nothing is the same. I know we've fought to stay strong for awhile to..rather there was a knot in my stomach. You looked in my eyes as we sat across from each other and I held it as long as I could handle and this time, I was the first to look away but soemetimes I feel that being strong would mean letting go. So maybe one day, we won't pretend anymore. So maybe one day it will be okay again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes, I want it to be okay again. You suck the life out of me, why can't you just let me be? I want you to just go away, somehow I wish you could pay.. Pay for what pain you've caused me, you just don't see. Nights of crying, and inside I'm dying. But you don't see, you don't care. I figured that out when you were never there. So what if I'm a bitch? you're a whore. and I'd rather be known for what I do than who I do. It's amazing how whenever I try to like another guy you always seem to sneak into my mind and whisper, "Hey, remember me?"