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Found this trolling. Funny, sad and usually true.
CALL ME CRAZY, BUT...
1. I might have looked at your phone, but you were being shady and texting other girls.
2. I might be jealous, but you have Tinder downloaded on your phone.
3. I might be snooping, but you were messaging your ex.
4. I might be a stalker, but your feed is filled with pictures of other girls.
5. I might be paranoid, but you used to f*ck my best friend.
6. I might be anxious, but you’re the one who smoked all my weed.
7. I might be caught up in the past, but you resent me for mine all the time.
8. I might be oversensitive, but this is the second birthday you’ve forgotten.
9. I might be a b*tch, but you’ve also cheated on me.
10. I might be guarded, but you call me crazy.
11. I might be selfish, but you’re the one who never makes time.
12. I might be defensive, but you nitpick everything.
13. I might ask too many questions, but you never give any details.
14. I might take two hours to get ready, but you criticize me to no end.
15. I might have called you five times, but you’re an hour late for dinner.
16. I might be in a bitchy mood, but you never ask me about my day.
17. I might be “fine,” but you don’t even notice.
18. I might be holding a grudge, but you’re the one who keeps making mistakes.
19. I might be clingy, but you flirt with everyone who walks by.
20. I might be neurotic, but you jacked my entire Xanax prescription.
21. I might be obsessive, but you have compulsively cheated on me.
22. I might have baggage, but you never take me on vacation.
23. I might have high standards, but you never try to impress me.
24. I might be skeptical, but your best friend is a hot girl.
25. I might be a nymphomaniac, but you’d rather watch football than get on top.
26. I might monopolize your time, but you don’t pay for sh*t.
27. I might be dramatic, but you’re always trying to play me.
28. I might love to drink, but you’re the one who’s puking at the end of the night.
29. I might hate your friends, but they’re always talking sh*t.
30. I might be materialistic, but after three years, I expect more than a movie date.
31. I might be wound up, but you booked a vacation with your friends instead of me.
32. I might be neglectful, but you never want to do anything with my friends.
33. I might be arrogant, but you’re just pissed I got promoted when you got laid off.
34. I might be moody, but you never seem to know how I’m feeling.
35. I might cry all the time, but at least one of us is getting me wet
Drunk Driving
I recently read a post about someone who was waiting to go to jail because of a third DWI. The person was very open about the circumstance and humanized the issue by stating his loss. He was homeless now. He lost posessions. He lost his job. He would miss his wife and son while in jail. He further stated that while he felt remorse for the incident, he couldn't help that he was an alcoholic.
I consider myself basically compassionate when it comes to mistakes. I don't judge the sins or crimes of others, we all have our vices...
But this one irks me beyond my tolerance.
No, maybe you didn't choose to be an alcoholic. But you did choose to drink, and then get behind the wheel of an assault weapon, while obviously impaired. You KNOW you will be drinking, have the foresight to leave your car somewhere where you wont have access to it when you're stumbling out of the door of the place you were drinking. Leave the key with someone else who isnt drinking and can think more rationally than yourself.
When you get behind that wheel, its not just about you, it's about everyone else on the road. You choose to put me in danger. You choose to put my family in danger, You choose to put good people,people who will never see you coming, in danger.
We trust you. We trust you to make good decisions. We trust you to have foresight, and KNOWING you have a problem, just makes you that much more responsible to think ahead.
I'd say 3 times would be habitual. How many times can you get away with it before you kill someone?
Be an alcoholic. Don't be stupid.
Health Warning!
DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!!
It’s so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!
WARNING TO US ALL!!! IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT.
Shampoo Warning! I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label this warning; “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.” No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It’s label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”
Problem solved!
If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower!
30 Things New Jerseyans Love
People from New Jersey love proving everyone wrong, even more than they love their beaches, diners and The Boss.
1. Going Down The Jersey Shore New Jerseyans know there aren’t “beaches.” Only “the shore.” And you go “down the shore” for the summer. With over 300 miles of coastline and multiple shore points, you won’t have trouble finding one. Everybody in Jersey has their favorite spots and knows the best way to get there.
2. Reminding The Rest Of The Country That We’re The Garden State If all you know about New Jersey is Newark and Jersey City, it’s easy to understand why the state gets a reputation of being nothing but factories and landfills. The truth is, agriculture is Jersey’s third biggest business. But even though the state is sprawling with farms and park no one ever really seems to believe them. So, they just keep reminding everyone.
3. Summer Days On The Boardwalk Winter in the Northeast can be pretty brutal, making those lazy days of summer a treasured treat. And taking a stroll down one of the many boardwalks along the shore points is just the way to do them justice. With an oversized stuffed panda from the arcade in one hand, a funnel cake that you fight the seagulls for with the other, there’s no better way to spend a summer day in Jersey.
4. Being Four Different States In One No one is actually from “New Jersey”, even if you’re born here and never leave. That’s because New Jersey is notoriously split into four very different regions. You’re either from North Jersey, South Jersey, Central Jersey, or The Shore. North claims dibs on New York, South claims dibs on Philadelphia, and The Shore gets dibs on, well, the entire shore. Central Jersey remains a bit of a mystery, though, since no one can ever agree on where it starts or ends, except the people who claim to live there.
5. Diners, Dude. Diners. New Jersey has more diners than anywhere else. Want proof? It’s the Diner Capital Of The World. A report in 2010 claimed a total of 600 throughout the state, and it’s probably grown since then. It might seem like a bit much, but the homemade breakfast served every day, all day and 24-hour milkshakes make people in Jersey wonder why everyone else doesn’t do it this way.
6. Being A Farmer’s Market Paradise All that farmland makes for some mighty fine farmer’s markets. No matter where you live throughout the state, from Hoboken to Cape May, a farmer’s market is never far away. Seasonal, local, and organic produce never gets old.
7. Knowing Their Pizza Is Better Than Yours Forget New York. Forget Chicago. If you want the best slice of pizza you’ve ever had, you need to get yourself to New Jersey, stat. Much like arguing over shore points, each region has their own opinion of what pizza joint makes the best pie. But everyone agrees that they’re all better than anywhere else.
8. Sweet Corn And Jersey Fresh Tomatoes They’re the two most popular crops in the state, so summer meals in Jersey are filled with sweet corn and Jersey fresh tomatoes. Almost everyone in New Jersey has sampled the out-of-state versions (the verdict: An underwhelmed “meh.”) But not everyone from out of state has had the luxury of a plump, juicy Jersey tomato or a cob of perfectly sweet corn in July. But once they do, they’ll be ruined forever, because, yes, the ones from Jersey really are that good.
9. Knowing All The Locations From The Sopranos The Sopranos might have ended seven years ago, but to many areas in New Jersey it’s still very much alive. Tours will take you around the popular filming locations like the giant Muffler Man, Pizza Land, and the infamous Bada Bing! But ultimate fans don’t need a tour guide to show them what they already know, like the location of Tony’s house and Holsten’s, the restaurant in the show’s ambiguous, final scene.
10. Bruce Springsteen New Jersey is home to a multitude of talent, but no one quite captures its essence in the same way as The Boss himself. With his signature raspy voice and the amazing E Street Band behind him, Springsteen–born and raised right in Monmouth County—is Jersey royalty.
11. Getting Irrationally Irritated At Anyone Who Can’t Properly Navigate A Circle Drivers in New Jersey believe that circles are most definitely the superior answer to gridlock at busy intersections. After all, it always keeps the traffic flowing. But people from out of state who aren’t familiar with the system usually get confused and end up holding everything up, infuriating everyone around them that has a NJ license plate. Seriously though, it’s a circle, not rocket science. Hit the gas!
12. Blaming MTV For Our GTL Reputation N For the record, the cast of that MTV “reality” show (that we all wish would have never happened to begin with) weren’t even from New Jersey. They were from New York. So, aim your GTL jokes higher north. They’re not our doing and we’re not taking this crap anymore.
13. Mapping Out The State By Exits Headed to Newark? That’s exit 15 off the Turnpike. Need to go down to Delaware? (First of all, why?) That’s all the way down exit 1. If you don’t mind paying the tolls, that is. In New Jersey that’s how it’s done. Directions are given by way of highway exits.
14. Knowing Someone Who Knows Someone Who Saw The Jersey Devil Popular opinions are that the Jersey Devil has a goat head on a kangaroo-like body with bat-shaped wings and flies around the Pine Barrens shrieking its blood-curdling scream out into the night. As the way most urban legends work, mostly everyone in Jersey has a second-hand story to tell when it comes to this elusive creature, but few claim to ever have encountered it themselves.
15. Producing A Massive Amount Of Talent Bruce Springsteen aside, New Jersey has produced some of the biggest stars in the industries. The list includes Frank Sinatra, Whitney Houston, Meryl Streep, Jack Nicholson, Jason Alexander, Jon Stewart, Jon Bon Jovi, Zach Braff, John Travolta… the list goes on, but I don’t think I need to.
16. Never Having To Pump Gas In The Rain New Jersey is one of only two states in the US (holla, Oregon!) that mandate full service gas stations by law. Residents of other states may not understand it, but that’s okay. Give us a call on a cold winter’s day when you’re pumping your gas in the freezing rain and we’ll explain it to you.
17. Making Every Weekend “The Hangover” In Atlantic City Who needs Las Vegas when you’ve got Atlantic City right in your backyard? With high-end and novelty restaurants like Bobby Flay’s and Wolfgang Puck’s, a revolving door of concerts and shows, museums, outlet stores, and a boardwalk of fun, AC is wall-to-wall entertainment.
18. Taylor Ham Pork Roll Depending on what part of the state you’re from, you might be cringing right now because no one really calls it a “Taylor Ham pork roll.” It’s “Taylor ham” if you’re up north and “pork roll” if you’re south. But whatever you choose to call it doesn’t make it any less delicious. Everyone can agree on that.
19. Paying Extra In Gas To Avoid Paying Tolls Whether you’re going to Philadelphia, New York City, or Delaware, you’ll have to cross a bridge to get out of Jersey, which means paying a toll. But paying to drive to the shore? Not a chance. Experienced drivers in Jersey will go WAY out of their way, taking the back roads to avoid even paying an extra dollar on the Parkway or Turnpike whenever possible.
20. Knowing That The Best Amusement Park Around Is Great Adventure, Not Six Flags With an amusement park, water park, and drive-through safari, Great Adventure (owned by Six Flags) is the destination of choice for Jersey thrill-seekers. The park has fun for all ages, but the extreme rides like the 21 story drop of Nitro, the standup twists on Green Lantern, and the steepest drop on a wooden coaster in the world on El Toro are what keeps the crowds lining up.
21. Stopping At Wawa At Least Twice A Day The convenience store that puts all convenience stores to shame, Wawa is where all the cool kids go for everything from gas to coffee to sandwiches. Although the chain is much more heavily saturated throughout the South and Central Jersey areas, it’s beginning to branch out through North Jersey now, too, due to obvious popular demand.
22. Getting The Best Of Two Cities Without Having To Live In Them With Philadelphia to the west and New York City to the north, New Jersey gets the culture and excitement of both cities without having to endure the hassles of actually living in either. Outside of the hustle and bustle, but not too far away is right where we want to be.
23. Knowing Where To Find The Free Beaches Just like paying for tolls, Jersey locals don’t want to pay extra for their beaches. The popular tourist beaches like Seaside Heights and Wildwood require paying for daily or seasonal beach tags in order to plop down in the sand. But locals in the know head to where the free beaches are. More money in your wallet and less tourists to crowd your waves.
24. Making Left Turns From Right Lanes Jug handles are weaved throughout New Jersey highways and interstates, forcing drivers to make left turns from right lanes. It’s a system that keeps the left lanes open for passing vehicles and comes easy to anyone who has navigated the roads a while. Meaning everyone in New Jersey. But if you’re from out of state, have a GPS handy or be prepared to turn around a lot.
25. Loving Kevin Smith As Much As He Loves Us You don’t have to like his work to appreciate a Jersey Boy proud of his roots. Kevin Smith’s films “Clerks” and “Chasing Amy” were filmed in Red Bank, NJ and highlighted his favorite and most memorable things about the state. His popular comic book shop Jay & Bob’s Secret Stash is located there, too, as featured on the show “Comic Book Men.” If you follow Smith on Facebook, you’ll even see him post pictures of his travels home to Jersey to visit his mom. A Jersey boy after their own hearts.
26. The Jersey Devils Hockey Team North Jersey always claims the New York Jets and Yankees as their teams, while South Jersey stakes out the Eagles and Phillies. But The Jersey Devils NHL team remains the only professional league sports team to actually brand itself from New Jersey, so they get everyone’s love.
27. Bagels So Good You’ll Never Want Anything But Breakfast Plain, cinnamon raisin, onion, popeye seed, everything… whatever your bagel of choice, Jersey’s are nothing short of amazing. And what’s the secret ingredient that makes the bagels in New Jersey taste so much better than everywhere else? Some say it’s in the water, others say it’s just the Jersey touch. Whatever it is, though, makes for a pretty spectacular breakfast.
28. Getting In A Game Of Skee Ball When you head down the shore, what’s the one thing you have to do? Play a game (or 20) of skee ball, of course. This family favorite game is played on every boardwalk and in every arcade in Jersey, and there’s really no passing one without playing.
29Dodging Deer Like A Game. Of Frogger As if there already wasn’t enough to watch out for on the roads with all of the tolls, potholes, and slow left lane drivers. In Jersey, drivers also have also to watch out for deer. The state is overrun with estimates of over 200,000 whitetail deer that are known to dart out in front of motorists like the Flash, causing some major damage to vehicles that swerve or brake. Any day a deer crosses your path and you both make it to the other side is a good day.
30. Being Tough Guys, Not Goodfellas When Hurricane Sandy surprised the Northeast, New Jersey got hit hard. But we didn’t take it lying down. We may have lost homes, businesses, beaches, and a roller coaster, but we rebuilt and in the end, it made us tougher than ever. Okay, we do love “Goodfellas,” though. But come on, who doesn’t
Why the left lane doesn't belong to you
by Larry Higgs
The signs on the side of interstates, toll roads and other New Jersey highways tell drivers what the law says very simply — keep right, pass left.
So why do so many drivers get this simple rule wrong? Anyone who drives the major highways sees it daily — one tortoise-like vehicle in the left lane, stubbornly holding up a train of other vehicles behind them. Flashing head lights, honking horns and uplifted fingers mean nothing; it's as if they'd cut the rear-view mirrors off their cars and had been fitted with horses' blinders.
The left-lane bandit is frustrating to the people behind them, and dangerous, because, sooner or later, someone is liable to do something stupid to get around them.
State law doesn't mince words. A summons for failure to keep right will cost between $100 and $300, and a $50 surcharge, which pays for more road signs telling you to keep right, except to pass. That fine was raised last August from the $50 to $200 fine.
The National Motorists Association calls the practice of moving over "lane courtesy" and declares June is Lane Courtesy Month to bring attention to the issue. Two summers ago, the Press conducted an online survey that ranked drivers who fail to keep right as the top pet peeve over other bad driving behaviors. It was cited as a nuisance by 41 percent of the 519 people who responded, ahead of tailgating, driving while texting and speeding.
But you wouldn't know it by people's driving. I drive the Parkway for a 100-mile-a-day commute, like many of you, and lane courtesy seems to disappear during the summer months. People hang in the left lane like they own it, especially some out-of-staters.
My last morning ride to work on the Parkway South was an excellent demonstration of why we need a Lane Courtesy Month. Too many drivers were poking along in the left lane, blocking traffic and oblivious to the line of cars behind them. Some drove at the speed limit and some drove slower, and they weren't engaged in the act of passing another vehicle.
In fairness, there were some people who moved over after I rolled up behind them. Every one of them got a thank-you wave of my hand.
It's not so hard to give way to a faster vehicle coming up from behind. I do it all the time, because it is the law and it's better for my well-being. Who wants an angry driver inches from their back bumper doing something really stupid to get by? I find it's a lot less stressful to move over as soon as it is safe to do so.
My habit is to turn on my right signal to let the driver behind me know that I'm aware that they're back there and that I'll move over as soon as I pass the vehicle on my right. If I want a driver in the left lane to move over, I make sure that the driver can see me in their left rear-view mirror. If they don't, sometimes I'll put on my left blinker to get their attention. I'm not saying it always works, but sometimes it gets their attention.
What I try not to do is tailgate them, as much as "angry Larry" might want to. It's only going to make them furious and an angry driver doesn't yield the left lane.
I'm sure that someone will argue that left-lane bandits help enforce the speed limit by slowing down all those law breakers behind them. I asked traffic safety officers about that and they had a simple answer — you're not the police. That job is better left to the professionals for a number of reasons.
One of them is the law. Another state statute says the driver in the left lane has to yield to the vehicle that is attempting to pass that vehicle.
The NMA also points out that left-lane hogging could lead to a road rage incident.
The better choice is to move over when it's safe and let the other driver go. If the guy is driving like a maniac, it's better to be rid of them.
Think that's just a generalization? Well then, let's look at the stats:
Final Score: North Jersey: 7 - South Jersey: 0
The astute reader will notice I didn't mention the imaginary part of New Jersey...
(*i strongly disagree with this point.... )
North Jersey and South Jersey are the cool kids at the party. Central Jersey is the whiny little brother your mom makes you bring to the party so that he feels included.
I have studied the matter extensively - and by that I mean, I read the internet and argued with friends - and can conclusively say that Central Jersey is a figment of your imagination. The only remnant of a so-called "Central Jersey" can be seen in voting patterns. But if the best thing Central Jersey can claim is Jon Corzine, then they can have him.
People from New Jersey will internally argue the first two points to death, but if an outsider makes a stupid remark about any part of New Jersey, then watch out. New Jersey pride crosses the North/South division, and is ready to get all up in your face about it.
A quick story about innate Jersey pride. I remember being in a bar in Toronto right after graduating high school (Canada's drinking age is 18, for the win) with five good friends and for whatever reason Bruce Springsteen comes on. We start yelling along and so does a group of people across the bar. That immediately led to a "F*ck Yeah Jersey!" cheer from both parties. Which would never happen for people from Ohio.
But all that bustling pride comes at cost to the outside world...
Case in point: Chris Christie
When you come from the best state in the union you're entitled to certain things. Like throwing your weight around a bit, and speaking up loudly - and often. When people don't recognize that entitlement, you need to let them know appropriately. Hell, we don't even need to pump our own gas.
So what makes New Jersey so friggin' great? Let's look at everything that's perfect about it:
I am a complete and total Jersey bagel snob. I grew up in New Jersey, have relatives in Connecticut, New York, and Florida. Moved to California for college and now live in North Carolina - and I've visited another dozen states, easily. After tasting bagels from all over the country, the only time I'll ever eat a bagel now is when I visit my parents in Basking Ridge. There's just no point in consuming the bagel-shaped drek found around the rest of the country. And this includes New York City's harder, sub-par bagels.
Everything I just said, word for word, applies exactly the same to pizza. Exactly the same.
Tom Brady, Big Papi, and Dustin Pedroia make me literally want to tear my own face off. And that stupid accent, what the hell is that about? One of the seven layers of hell must surely be Boston after a sports team wins a championship. But let's move on, I'm getting physically ill right now just thinking about it.
On the flip side, I sleep well at night knowing Eli and the Giants crushed the souls of Boston fans twice in the last 10 years and that the Yankees have almost four times as many titles as those jerks, the Red Sox.
I, for the life of me, don't understand why everyone else pronounces Mario incorrectly. There aren't three As and two Rs. Just say the name right, already. And why the hell does everyone else pronounce it "Noo Joisey"? Why do they say "Joisey" at all? No one in their right mind would ever pronounce the state's name in such a way. It goes against the NJ Code of Pronunciation Ethics I just made up. Only people from Brooklyn would consider saying that. It's basically the equivalent of calling the cast of "The Jersey Shore" true New Jerseyans - when everyone and their mom knows they are from Staten Island.
The outside world doesn't understand the rich complexity of that statement. They associate it with the area directly around the Meadowlands and outside of New York without fully appreciating the intricacies. Your exit number off the parkway actually gives the person talking to you a good sense of what kind of New Jerseyan you are. (See No. 1 for details.) And, if you don't actually live off an exit on the parkway, you live off an exit of the Turnpike or 287. I proudly lived off the Morristown exit of 287. Smack dab in the middle of North Jersey.
You learn very early on growing up in New Jersey that Sunday morning breakfast at a diner is something to cherish. Then, in high school, you appreciate the fact you can get something to eat at 2 a.m. that tastes as excellent as it does at 2 p.m. And when you're all grown up, you'll appreciate that you can order a side of chicken noodle soup with your pancakes, whenever you damn well please. God I love diners.
Dunkin is the fast food version of a diner. Great coffee and reliable donuts. Starting a road trip down to the Shore at 6 a.m.? Be sure to stop at Dunkin to power up for the ride.
Like I mentioned, I moved clear across the country to California for college-just to fall in love with a Jersey girl. Sorry other 49 states, but to Jersey boys they just don't make 'em any better than they do in Jersey. I think it has a lot to do with the Jersey culture. The things I love about Jersey girls, in order, are that they are:
Girls from New Jersey possess these mysterious cards which allows them to basically live in Atlantic City for free. Granted they get really drunk and lose a bunch of your money playing roulette. This is a really bad sign.
Nothing pisses a NJ princess off worse than sharing the road with people from other states who, “come into their state and don’t know how to drive.” To her they are just in the way and taking up space at the beach, or as she calls it, “the shore.”
Slow left lane drivers are the bane of NJ women’s existence. If you’re lucky she’ll show her true colors and break up with you on the spot for this.
These chicks like to fight. Mostly over men, yet sometimes over “trash-talk” as well. Hold a flashlight to her knuckles while she is sleeping to look for scars, or even recently scabbed wounds.
This test is tricky. If you don’t have a Wrangler you need to rent one and if you already have one, congrats. Award yourself two douche points.
Girls from NJ like to drive fast. Plain and simple. Which brings me to my next point.
I have a Civic. She has a G37. Do the math.
Walk away from this situation. Sure they may seem like easy drunk targets, but I can assure you hanging out with them will only lead to you fighting one of their ex-boyfriends who is stalking the group, while also drunk, and possibly under the influence of a strong pre-workout mix.
Jersey girl for sure if she replies, “I just give money to an Indian guy, wait a few minutes and drive away.”
The Jersey Girl accent can be hard to identify having several different local dialects depending on the region. Though I’d describe it as a mix of “valley girl” with a splash of “Rocky.” A method I have devised to train my ears is to hold my nose while saying trash. Listen to the way it sounds when you do this. The nasally intonation heard is often times associated with Jersey Girls.
Most Jersey girls can not resist celebrating the return to their home soil.
It’s a liquor store. I’ve actually grown pretty fond of it.
Sadly the state of NJ has beef with the left direction and requires its citizens to spin around these so-called “jug handles” like circus clowns whenever they want to veer off to the left.
Women from New Jersey are diner connoisseurs. Their sophisticated processed meat palates can appreciate the even slightest nuances in various pork rolls—and if it’s not “Taylor” brand, then you’ve got a problem.
“I’m from exit 38!” Is something you’d typically hear.
Doesn’t necessarily mean she’s from New Jersey, but she’s definitely got some family there.
This is just a basic fact. There are many malls in NJ and they are always packed.
If you’ve never been to a gym in NJ you need to stop what you’re doing and go. Not all, but some NJ babes abide by the “if-it-almost-covers-your-butt-cheeks-then-it’s-OK-rule” and watching them twerk the leg machine is definitely a treat. Just don’t get caught staring, the guy dead lifting a house in the corner is probably her man.
Even if she’s been doing a good job hiding her “Jerseyness” from you, this will definitely expose her. No NJ citizen can sit idle and listen to their state being spat upon. Just get out of there soon after, otherwise you’re going to have to listen to her ramble on about how NJ’s close to Philly and NY and all the beaches and blah blah blah.
You would think NJ is run by an evil feudal king. Their current property tax rate is around 12%+prime+firstborn.
Citizens of the state love their Governor, but at the same time won’t hesitate to let you know he’s a fat shit and will never become president because he’s so goddamn fat.
This one’s pretty self explanatory.
This barbaric behavior is very common among NJ drivers and it’s typically used on “fucking slow driving PA drivers in the left lane.”
I was at the store buying dog food, while in the line a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive care, with tubes coming out of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and all you do is load your pockets with the dog food and eat some every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.
