Each day I wake up renewed, almost finding promise in what the day may bring me. This is really only a recent occurrence within my life. Perhaps it’s because I finally Find myself truly understanding love and it’s meaning, maybe it’s because I actually Like the job that I have. Either way I find myself reflecting on everything that has Happened in the past year. Being as my birthday is Wednesday I guess I am Considering this my time to reflect.
Let us start shall we? I'm sorry this is a long one...
March 2008- The non-exsistant birthday… My best friend had surgery on my birthday & to everyone else it was just another day with the exception of my children and my parents (had they forgotten I’d have disowned them) I don’t believe I heard Happy Birthday from anyone except Chrissie whose birthday is the same as mine… At this point I had fallen so far into a depression after the loss of Steven that it was almost as if I could no longer Find myself within the person I had grown to love had disappeared into a darkness. Things with Jon and I had fallen deeply into a toilet. He was spending more time sleeping and drinking than he was with me and the kids. I began to feel as if the world was falling down around me.
April 2008- Distinction... I was working but it wasn’t a very fulfilling Position and it was upsetting to me that I had to go to work in the morning knowing that instead Of watching my son Jon was sleeping while Ricky sat in front of the TV. I had a feeling inside my Heart due to lack of physical attention and everything else that it was quite possible Jon was Cheating. Everything was compounded by my discovery that he had been bringing weed back From PA to OH.
May 2008- The month my world took a tumble. The man whom I had dedicated the previous year To whose child I carried in my womb & whose name I had considered the song of angels shattered My world with one blow. Quite literally. Looking back I still see myself broken down and shattered Crying on the floor. No one could ever imagine how stupid I feel in my heart for ever even being with Him.
June 2008- The big move… June 5th will forever be known in my heart as the day I gave in and found Myself back in Pittsburgh after nearly 9 years. I never wanted to move back here infact it was my every Intention to only return on holidays and not enjoy it. Yet here I was. Single for the first time in 12 years Moving in with my mother, her boyfriend, & my brother… Taking my kids on an adventure the I myself Feared more than anything. Also brought forth in this month was the realization that since January unless I paid them bills had not been touched… We had been nearly 6 months behind on our rent, the electric was only on barely, our cell phones were in the same state…
July 2008- Changes… After a month of feeling quite sorry for myself and failing every attempt to convince Jon that he was still in love with me and wanted to work things out I began to realize he wasn’t worth it and no matter how bad I wanted to hold on to my picture perfect family it wasn’t worth what he was putting me through thus began the burning of the photographs. The beginning of the month also brought me a moment I’d patiently waited 5 years for a moment to myself with a man I truly felt close to, a single moment that many women I knew would sell their soul for. This moment thus convincing me that I deserved more than anything Jon ever gave me… July also brought forth a visit from Jose… (oh joy oh rapture) A week of him “playing dad”… After his visit the kids started summer camp and I started classes... It was rough on them to adjust to Jon being gone... In a state of randomness I met a guy on-line on a site called fubar… Who knew what would come of this… I applied for a position with UPMC (temporary), was hired and thus began my upward climb out of my hole.
(Random interlude… I’m currently typing this in outlook to e-mail it to myself so I can post it on my lunch & my boss who I absolutely love tosses me a little bottle of Lotion from Bath & Body Works (my guilty pleasure which I never go to because I have more important things to spend money on) The scent is one from memory & more so it caught me completely off guard and I found myself smiling. Beth, (my boss) she’s a different sort. She’s a strong woman who truly captures my admiration because she is unlike any other person I’ve met. I dunno it just gave me a moment of awe. I don’t think any of my bosses has ever done something so random and unknowingly wonderful)
August 2008- The climb continues… A failed romantic interlude with my childhood sweetheart left me truly jaded… Then it all started out with a shoutbox message on Fubar, “Look I hate this little box so if you really want to talk to me this is my yahoo screen name, if at random you feel the need and I’m not online text me 724-XXX-XXXX.”… 5 minutes later a text comes across my phone, “Do you always give your phone number out to random guys on Fubar?” My response, “No, never actually, I only give my number to people that I find intriguing and that I want to get to know. Do you always text random women that give you their phone number on Fubar?” Touché… Mid August I started @ UPMC’s Clinical Trials Office… I lovingly refer to the CTO as my first big girl job… Panty hose, heals, skirts… BLAH! That place was insane but here in began my UPMC life… How exciting to find myself having my own extention & my very own UPMC.EDU e-mail address. Things began to look up. The kids by now were ready to start school... *cries* My baby started kindergarten... Everything was going amazing with them... I'm truely blessed with how amazing they are.
September 2008- I can’t let this happen… A month of talking to this guy goes on to cause me to catch myself looking for those “Honey I’m home” im’s at 7:15pm, the random hello’s throughout the day, The sporadic phone calls that caused me to feel like a lovesick 16 year old. Gradually things just sort of developed. I poured my heart out in our phone calls. I told him how badly I’ve been hurt, how often I’ve been let down, how I was scared about anyone ever getting close to my kids again after Jon just writing them off like they meant nothing. I kept saying I don’t want a relationship… I don’t want to be in love… Who was I kidding, gradually he was developing into my best friend… I asked him to consider coming to visit me… Almost unspoken off the relationship market I went… As for my job it was continuously stressful but workable and I loved the people I worked with… My hours were flexible so it gave me time for the kids and my boss was a sweetheart… A bit over worked and to determined to realize she was forcing her self out of her life… But still I loved my job. Also the final stamp to then end of contact with Jon was my independence… I let his cellphone get shut off (I had been paying the plan to keep my phone on) and I got a plan of my own. Finally I had fully returned to Pittsburgh with a 412 areacode..
(I’ve just come to realize I’d dated everything ________ 2009 <- it’s obviously MONDAY!!!)
October 2008- In a relationship with… Gradually Rick and I added eachother to the other sites we used, first myspace, then myyearbook, finally came facebook… On myyearbook there is this “family” option where you can add what that person is to you and I got a “family” request that said “Slick Rick Whitfield would like to add you to his family as his Girlfriend”… I clicked okay… Is that what I am then? I’m his girlfriend? Upon adding him to facebook I sent him the confirmation request of the label “In a relationship with ___________” the next morning my profile read “In a relationship with Ricky Whitfield” I smiled to myself… I didn’t need a man in my life anymore… I wanted him in my life though. Early October brought the birth of a beautiful baby girl to my adopted brother and his fiance... I was blessed enough to be present for this... A plane ticket was purchased and plans were made for him to come to Ohio Halloween weekend to meet me & the kids… Laying eyes on this man was nothing less than incredible for me to experience… As I waited in the airport getting more and more nervous I began convincing myself that he wasn’t going to show… At one point I suffered from the “internet nightmare” you know the one where someone “resembling” the person you are waiting to meet comes walking down and you think “OH DEAR GOD NO!” it was quite funny I’m sure for Erin to watch me DIVE behind the pillar… As a peeked around I saw him… “OMG, OMG That’s him”… I almost collapsed into his arms… “Hi.” That was all he said as he kissed me… I ended the month of October in awe of this man. The trip was amazing I was truly taken aback by his approach to the kids... He just let them develop their relationship at their pace... By the time he left they were all buddies... :)
November 2008- November 2nd brought pleasure & pain all at once. The weekend was amazing, there was no pressure no expectations. He held me in his arms and it felt like home. When he left to return to his life separate from me it hurt. Standing there watching him walk through security broke my heart in two. I realized I didn’t just love him… I was in love with him… I started a one month temporary position at The Health Plan that was a joke… Killing 8 hours a day playing on the internet or watching house with my headphones plugged in. I only wish I was kidding having nothing to do made for a VERY long day. Thanksgiving apart sucked and as a bonus my mom and grandma both had to work which meant I got to cook. OH JOY!!
December 2008- Happy New Year… So December started out rather hum drum nothing shocking there. Two weeks before Christmas the health plan realized that they didn’t need a temp… SHOCK… I must admit though it was quite nice to be able to enjoy Christmas break with the kids. We initially had planned to spend new years together but due to his schedule at work it just wasn’t going to work out in our favor so we instead exchanged gifts through the mail… He is an excellent gift giver not only for my but for the kids I was truly amazed at the goodies. Each of the kids received something that tickled their fancies… I ended up with a necklace that I was looking at as well as a bath set and a hoodie (which was retrieved in February) & did I mention the ticket to see Sevendust? As for what he got... I managed to find him an LA kings Jersey, & I also got him a Chiefs Jersey but I think he enjoyed the fact that I baked for him even more... I was quite sad to not be with Rick physically to bring in the new year but instead of going out partying he stayed in as did I and we chatted online and watched eachothers cams. Although I will say Kahli did survive til 12:05am... Poor Ricky passed out at 10ish...
(Jeeze, I only managed to blog 9 months into the yearly re-cap then I had to forward it on to my e-mail to finish writing it... I'm going to attempt to finish now... Although I doubt there is any one still reading this...)
January 2009- Anticipation... As days were shown predominately within the countdowns I was posting everywhere I managed to get in temping for about 7 days in the month of January... I hated the place I was at and applied and was accepted into CNA courses which was halted because of personel situations until May. The beat went on and on and on. I came to realize that I didn't like sitting around NOT being productive and in a state of insanity... I managed to take a couple refresher classes and get my ass remotely in gear. Every day Rick and I managed to talk and build up our relationship... The first half of the school year the kids both managed to get nearly "Straight A's" it's been amazing!!! The move was the best choice for the two of them!
February 2009- You don't do Flowers but.... Oh dear god it's Valentines Day... What do you do for your s/o on your first valentines day together? So due to the fact that I hadn't worked and didn't have much money I decided to BAKE... He enjoyed it the last time so I did it again. *happy face* I also bought him his UNLV hoodie & a UNLV Basketball throwback... I never expected what he did for me... 2/13 a box of my favorite lollypops were delivered special ordered from See's Candy's in SF... That was more than enough... on Valentines Day there was a knock at my door I really didn't want to answer followed by a phone call from my grandmother that there was something on my porch... I stepped out and there was an FTD box...
"Well that can't be for me I said..."
& his reply was "Who would be sending you flowers?"
my retort "My point exactly"
He says "Maybe you should check it anyway..."
Low and behold it is addressed to me... I open the box to see the most gorgeous long stem roses I've ever seen... & the note read...
(with me now)"Awe"
I cried and cried and cried... And called him names...
Wow... This man loves me...
Now for the trip to virginia... :)
The ticket was purchased for the trip in January, plans and arrangements were made... The rest was anticipation and countdown... I went and got my tattoo on the day of my flight (not the brightest idea) and the rest is history. I was scared to death going down there... I thought what if maybe just maybe he isn't happy when he sees me again? What if I'm not what he wants... Stupid but it was there in the back of my head... Friday night I don't think we went to bed until 5 am & we were back up at 11am... At one point I woke up in the middle of it all with Blu asleep on my butt... Which made me happy... Blu is quite important to Ricky... The day was wonderful (sparing you all the details)... We went grocery shopping so that I could make dinner on sunday, then he took me down to downtown P-town & on the ferry to Norfolk's waterfront. After that we went to late dinner a Chili's and home to change for the concert... SEVENDUST!!! Only the most amazing Concert EVER!! Beint there with rick only made it 10,000x's more amazing... I had a moment when we were at the concert that caused reality to find my heart. There we were at the show watching by far his favorite band and there he stood in the midst of all the shoving and fighting and moshing holding my hand. I kept staring at our hands intertwined thinking Wow... This man loves me from the depths of his heart. He would lean over to me and just say I love you and kiss me on the forehead or the cheek. Sunday morning I got up and started my home made sauce & went back to bed... Officially rolling out of bed at 2ish... I was so proud of myself for sleeping in... We ran to the store and spent the rest of the day just snuggling up... Monday was horrible Leaving Virginia KILLED me. Although I felt quite loved, his grandmother made us breakfast and before I left she told me she'd see me soon and she'd miss me... I was not only in love with this man but I loved his family.
When I got back to Pittsburgh I went right back to work at Shadyside... I love my job...
March 2009- Happy Birthday to Me?... So far we are 9 days into March... What has happened so far?? Rick suprised me with the information for his trip to Pittsburgh 3/20-3/23... I couldn't believe that he gave up his chance to go to Las Vegas for the Mountain West Conference... It's the best gift ever. :) Just the chance to be with him and hold him close... Although I admit the trip isn't just for me... He's really missed the kids... They talk every night infact in the past 4 months he's missed 1 night... I can't believe Kahli is turning 8... :( She'll be a teenager before I know it...
So anyway... I keep thinking this may be the best year ever... My 28th year I mean... Everything is finally going good... It's all going down a path it's never been down before...
The past year has taught me alot about myself... I've had my up's & down's my hearts been broken and repaired... I've found more out about who I am and who I want to be and better than all that I've proven to myself I can do it all on my own! I'm in the relationship I'm in not because I need to be, I'm in it because I want to be. For the first time I believe I know the true meaning of love. :)
There are a couple of people I have to say something to:
Yvonne- I mean it when I tell you that our friendship is truly the best thing to come out of my relationship with Jon. I'm so happy that you and Alex are getting married and I will never forget being there for Halle's birth. That was a special moment in my life... I love you.
Erin- Your my bestie... I know you hate that I live in Pittsburgh but that I can't help. I miss you and I appriciate all that you do and try to do.
Becca- I'm so happy we finially found eachother again... Dude life without you sucked! I love you so much! I'm so glad your my sister.
Tony, Maria, Mae, & Tori- I'm the worst cousin EVER this I know... I'm sorry I haven't made it over to see y'all. Maria, I am so proud of you!
Rick- Thank You.
