paladinofgrahamts's blog: "muse"

somehow life goes on in spite of it all life goes on in that process is beauty and pain in that process are things that bind the spirit human those things common life it somehow goes on somehow I find in the moments between words too dry or a muse demanding truths I am not yet ready to own that words still spill out in the still small moments words somewhere in-between in the process of life and writing which so often are the same I discover distance between where I was even yesterday the path stretched out before me I move sometimes without even trying because life somehow it goes on tjs2k70110

I am missing the spirit though it permeates the air Christmas propaganda movies stir up so much dust in my dark cave that my eyes water for unknown reasons and the deepest of sighs I dream of soft kisses some nights I miss that human connection that touch don’t care much for Christmas presents or believe in santa granting wishes but there was a bright star in the pre dawn as I went to work that winked as I thought to why not so I figured what the hell even when I had no faith or no spirit I found my eyes closing thinking what if not much spirit this year no matter the songs playing endless loops in the air a man who never sings I am the words to “oh night divine” falling from my lips behind the shops counter the song muffled by steaming milk and grinding coffee or when all the customers are gone so bah humbug and damn hallmark propaganda who cares about presents or wishes and the spirit of the season is just wrong tjs2k61202

when reading a book about a mans life I found something that resonated within the depths of my soul. the poem below is one of the hardest i have written...it gave me a part of the puzzle when i was still so sad...i will miss her I have had an epiphany in recent days I hurt sometimes far longer then the world would have me I hurt into hidden darkness I hurt into the core of what it is to be human I hurt past treasured memories I hurt past the little boy I hurt into the depths of the man I have become I know that as long as we both shall live we will grow old together friends, deep friends do that we will share many tears, and joys, we will share photos, laughter, and so much more our lives intertwined will become solid as we move forward on our own paths to the things that are to come I hurt because you who were my heart you who are the other half of who I am you who fit …you just fit you found your path, it was just away it was just different from the moment I fell in love with you you who were my best friend I dreamed of my life with you how i wanted to grow old with you as simplistic as basic math or breathing I saw our lives, our life ageing with grace (and wrinkles) together we will grow old together we are bound in deep friendship we are still best friends but I will never have the chance to grow old with you tjs2k61123

she loves him its in her words and they were always the map of her heart now brings the whole universe to him in whispers of now and forever he loves her the poet with a reason to write the words he writes are heart at last he has found his place in the world and the purpose for poetry and for breathing he writes her his muse defined I read them both and in the quiet of the night I bow my head and I cry and I to know what love is tjs

sometimes I dream in color neon words flashing bright burning themselves upon the eyes that i see in dreamstate they stay with me in the day … that is when I fight the monsters that live within… … the ones that scream those words there voices the sounds of bombs and the harshest of winds … I tire of the battles that follow even to my sleep I tire of those neon words that flash inside bigger and bigger each day … I fight them yet sometimes I am resigned to the fact that sometimes are forever and to fade away would leave the words remaining for the world to see perhaps to find peace or quiet at last … the words are big the world bigger I am just a man who sometimes feels so small … I am more then the sum of those words … yet other words add to the sum of this man … tjs2k61118

in the longest year I have ever known the one that started just yesterday a million years ago in this year where so much changed even more stayed the same in this year of sometimes sadness and discovery of things never imagined in this year where words have grown matching spirit and heart I find that I am thankful I am thankful for beauty and beacons I am thankful for new friends old friends stars home hearth I am thankful for heart musings for laughter hugs and compassion in the longest year ever (the one that started yesterday) I find that I am thankful tjs2k61113

when the path of life becomes covered in shadows when mistress nights’ presence is so powerful it tastes of arsenic bourbon and the blackest of cold day old french roast coffee in those times of darkness the things that are beautiful shine so much the brighter and my spirit is drawn to what is beauty those beacons of light recent days my spirit my soul have been drawn to beauty even morso now then ever before I felt the beauty of a smile from a friend a long time in the making and I feed from the beauty in a real hug held tight and given freely I read and wept beauty in words between lovers and beautiful sadness at lovers lost and memories lived again in words a plea most eloquent I drank beauty in the north texas sky lady luna so bright she lit my way on that journey from here to there and I danced and drank on that same evening while the sky was filled with rain thunder and lightning my path still dark yet I see those beacons that light my way tjs2k61107

I feel disconnected from my heart as if to be a part of the heart would somehow at this moment be overwhelming all the truths that are so clear would somehow weigh to heavy in that moment so I disconnect if only for the length of time it takes to write these words or maybe a few days more it is odd to watch life detached not at all something that fits well this soul to watch as I always have yet watching removed from the real from the soul in life that I cherish so very much I promise myself that I will come out from behind that growing wall of misguided comfort soon after all while the heart may be heavy it is a heart uniquely fitted to just my soul it will never weigh more then my human spirit can bear tjs2k61102

keeper of my soul once a long time ago I had a friend she told me that I gave enough of myself to those around me that someone needed to be the keeper of my soul so she prayed for me and sometimes made me home cooked meals she even set me up on a date once she was the wife of my friend and she was a gentle part of life she was the keeper of my soul in recent times I have felt adrift surrounded yet solitary looking for my hearth my heart my home I am loved without question yet I have no keeper I live uncertain not knowing tomorrow I have a need for home I miss having a soul’s keeper tjs2k61031

living within the abundant taken in by the stillness and subtle hues of today I sit in the tranquility as I search for the next to come my heart exposed in honesty sadness beauty and longing mixes within this moment life permeates the whole of my being in the quietude I see clearly with eyes unfettered tjs2k61030