So here's a question for you.
Who do you think would win a fight between "Robocop" and "Ironman?"
Wouldn't that be a cool movie?
Two robots fighting in the streets of some huge American city, knocking down buildings, crashing into mass transportation vehicles!
Oh wait, that was "Transformers."
There's another screenplay idea down the crapper.
Now that Marvel has pretty much run out of the big named super heroes, we're digging down into the second tier titles.
Iron Man, Ghost Rider, Hell Boy… honestly, how many people read these titles as a kid?
Still, it's a hell of a lot better than what we'll be watching in seven years.
Just for giggles I went on the internet to see how many characters are left in the vault.
Here are my top ten choices for super hero movies in 2015.
"Zzzax" (I think the third "z" is silent)
"Rusty Collins" (also a great mixed drink!!)
"Major Mapleleaf" (Tie Domi saves Honest Ed's!!)
"Wallflower" (ok, maybe this one is a bad choice)
"Hargen the Measurer" (by day he hosts "Holmes on Homes")
"Strong Guy" (clearly thought up on a Friday afternoon)
"Great Gambonnos" (I dated him. What can I say? He had great gambonnos)
"Freakshow" (another guy I dated… twice)
"Doctor Bong" (he's going to fight crime as soon as he can get off the couch)
… and finally, my personal favorite:
"Jawynn Dueck The Iron Christian of Faith" (I just want to see him in tights).
I'm getting ahead of myself though. How is Iron Man as a movie?
First of all it's a comic book, so if you're going to get upset because Iron Man survives slamming into the earth doing 200 mph, then this movie is not for you.
Iron Man's suit has tiny super air bags hidden inside and you just can't see them ok?
Go watch "Fried Green Tomatoes" or something. You're annoying me.
Also, yes it's highly unlikely that an international arms trader would actually silk screen his logo onto the side of missiles that will probably kill millions of innocent civilians (unless his name was Donald Trump).
Still, that kind of fake product placement is only slightly less annoying than all of the Audi vehicles being driven around in the movie.
The story is about how a rich, womanizing, weapons dealer gets captured by a group of terrorists in Afghanistan that ARE NOT the Taliban.
They may look like the Taliban and may have sex with goats in a cave, but any similarity end there.
Lord knows, that we don't want to get on Osama Bin Laden's bad side eh?
Forget the bombings, I don't want to watch Starr Jones standing outside of a courthouse in Los Angeles giving us her legal opinions when they sue us for slander.
Anyway, Tony is mortally wounded before he is captured, but somehow surgically implanting an empty soup can in his chest that is attached to a car battery is keeping him alive. Instead of building a missile for the enemy, Tony builds a giant metal suit equipped with a rocket pack and flame thrower (while also improving the soup can so that it powers itself) and he escapes into the desert.
If you're going to ask how come the terrorists didn't notice that the missile looked a lot like Sir Galahad, I would once again point out to you that the man is being kept alive by a glowing can of Chunky Soup.
You're totally killing my buzz. Stop asking questions.
Tony escapes, and decides that he will no longer build weapons, but will instead work on something that will benefit mankind.
No, it's not a cure for cancer. It's an improved robotic suit that he can fly around in.
How does this benefit mankind?
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Once you get past that, this is one of the funnest (if Iron Man can survive being slammed into a concrete wall without a helmet, I can use the word "funnest") summer movies I've seen in a long time.
It's hip, it's glib, it has funny robots that beep like R2D2. What more do you want?
Summer isn't about thinking. It's about having fun.
Just ask "Doctor Bong".
4.5 stars out of 5
