lighturfir's blog: "just thoughts"

The rain had been pouring a moderate volume for some time now, so the fallen leaves were now soggy, wet and yielded under my feet.

I looked to my right as I left the building and I saw a couple. I had seen them as I was walking out of the building and, by the way they were talking and interacting, I thought they were just friends. But as I saw them clasp their hands together as they left the building, I knew they were in a relationship.

I walked left, towards the oddly lit, slightly spooky, pathway that led to the parking lot, which was overfilled with cars, similarly to how the gutter was overfilling with water. They walked right, towards a more secluded area near some trees. I guessed they were going to talk or neck somewhere. I don't know, as I didn't follow them.

But it got me to thinking as I started my dingy, sad trek to the parking lot: I am alone. Not in a depressing, dark way, but in a philosophical way. I am alone, without someone to walk with on a cold, dark, wet autumn night in Chicago. I am alone in the sense that I have no one who loves me in the way that young couple loved each other. I have many friends and family who, if they are not just leading me on, love me more than I know.

My fear set in as I watched the happy couple pass by. My fear of being alone. You all have to admit, it's not so irrational a fear, am I right? We all have some deep-set fear of ending up in a hospital bed alone at 75-years-old and without a soul in the world to secretly confide out last memoirs to. We all fear that we will never find true love.

I sit here and type this now knowing that my fear of being alone has defined me in some ways.