If you're in the world of online dating, you probably are familiar with the combination of fear and excitement that most singles report.
Fear is a normal reaction: It's scary to open yourself up to judgment and possible rejection. Excitement comes from the enormous possibilities presented by Internet dating: You could very well realize your sweetheart dreams.
But first, the hundreds and thousands of possible mates have to be sorted through -- by you! How ever are you going to find your "pearl," that special gem of a sweetie to spend the rest of your life with?
Be careful with chemistry experiments
Many singles resort to that elusive phenomenon "chemistry" to help them wade through the myriad candidates. While having chemistry (a matter of basic animal attraction) with another person certainly intensifies the desire to connect meaningfully, most of us have excellent examples of horribly failed chemical experiments.
If our chemical experiments are so likely to explode in our faces, then why do we continue to rely on them (sometimes making "chemistry" our ONLY dating criteria)? Maybe because it is 1) easy and 2) fun.
That lusty animal attraction occurs underneath our normal, rational thinking. Lust short-circuits our logical brain, causing obsessive thinking coupled with energy surges that sweep us along in a biological process powerfully designed by nature to get humans to reproduce. The process is so intense that it is usually easier to just "go with it" than to resist it in an attempt to apply logic and rational thinking.
Fun is part of the design: Nature makes lust and sex fun in order to get us to do it. "Chemistry" is the fuel. And the whole business has been remarkably successful. Just look at the statistics: Almost 6.7 billion people in the world right now, and still counting.
The trouble is, "easy and fun," while a great formula for continuing the human species, is not so great a recipe for producing long-term, committed relationships. Mother Nature has programmed men to want to have sex with as many women as possible -- not a good factor for monogamy, and disastrous for pearl finding.
And think about it: If "chemistry" was designed to get us to reproduce, then it works most efficiently for folks under 40. Very large numbers of us are now pairing after 40, when our needs and desires get disconnected from reproduction. We live longer now, much longer. Efficient pairing through "chemistry" may not be the best method for many singles these days.
Getting what you want: the "pop-out effect"
So the question is, how do you allow for some of that exciting chemistry while also keeping some reasonable decision-making intact?
The greatest factor in getting what you want is to know what that is: What DO you want? I am amazed at what a difficult question this is for so many of my romance clients. I think that's one reason for the reliance on "chemistry": folks don't know what they want in a mate. Often, though, they can say what they DON'T want.
Interestingly, what singles identify as "not wanting" is often what they get. What's going on here is the pop-out effect. The "pop-out effect" describes a special ability we have to focus on a particular desired thing (object, thought, solution, etc.) so that the thing "pops out" of the background and into our notice. Let's say you are looking for your lost keys. You picture "keys" in your brain and start looking around. You do NOT notice anything that is not "keys." If you put them where you usually do, "keys" will pop out of the background and be found.
Let's say you look everywhere, but no "keys." Your frustration mounts. You start getting panicky. You go over and over where you have already looked. Still no keys. Now is the time to try something different. I usually try to distract myself. If I stop trying so hard, the solution will pop out in my mind, and presto! Found keys.
This sounds suspiciously like the advice singles often hear, "You're looking too hard. Stop looking and someone will show up." The first part is right: You MAY be looking too hard. But if you distract yourself in an effort to find what you are looking for, you'd better have it well in mind what you ARE looking for. It is just as easy (and likely) that you will find what you DON'T want, if that is all you are sure of.
Five steps to finding your pearl
To sum it all up, here are five suggestions for improving your chances of finding your gem of a sweetheart:
1. Get crystal clear about what you want. In the very first chapter of my book for singles, "Find a Sweetheart Soon! Your Love Trip Planner for Women," I help readers imagine and describe how they want their lives to be WITH a partner.
2. Paint a word and actual picture of your dream and sear it in your brain. Write your description of your future life with your sweetheart and post it where you can see it every day. "Paint" a picture, too, with your own drawings, paint, pastel and/or pictures that you cut and paste. The more real you can make your dream, the better. Keep your "love picture" out and see-able, too.
3. When you know what you want, figure out what you don't want as well. The Yahoo! Personals Premier Relationship Test can help you sort out what you want and what you don't want. Print your responses as you go through the exercise so you know what you stated -- you'll be able to see if your preferences change over time.
4. Then go about your life. Do not stop any efforts to meet new people -- scanning Yahoo! Personals, going to singles events, etc. -- but now, let your pictures guide you. The closer a potential partner comes to what you want, the more clearly he or she will "pop out" at you. All you have to do is be ready. (The "Can't Stands" will pop out too, which comes in very handy for saying a quick "No thanks.")
5. When you notice a likely candidate, pull out your "Must Have, Can't Stand" list and see how this sweetie checks out. If the "Must Haves" are there and the "Can't Stands" aren't, this potential sweetheart deserves serious "Pearl" consideration. If there is chemistry, so much the better.
Here's the deal: If you are looking for pearls, that's what you are likely to find. And you will see the "Not Pearls" (swine?) just as clearly. Just keep walking and focusing on "pearls." You'll find them.
