rarremptymesslarr's blog: "More matter, less art."

I'm going to just write out a list of things that I hate. I hate that I'm not a scantly clad whore. These bitches don't need to think at all. They don't have to be witty or wonder if the look stupid or not. If they say something dumb, they giggle smile and your dumbass either thinks how great said whore looks or starts to wonder if that really does work, which it does, because you thought about something else. If they look stupid, everyone thinks that they are cute. I hate every guy I so much as had a crush on. It's fridae night (AGAIN) and I'm posting a blog. I'm sober. I am a bit tired...but I know that I'll be up for hours playing games. How is it that guys don't stick around? I'm not complicated. I don't like to go out all the damned time and I have no problem drinking and watching sports (or gaming or whatever) or going camping or just doing more nothing. Yes, I can go out and do shit and look damned cute doing it, but it's not something I need. I'm not hard to please in the entertainment deparment. Why is it that when I do like a guy and I try to start so much as a friendship with him, he decides that my friend is the better one? ...oh wait. It's cause I don't put out nearly as much as everyone says/thinks. I like my alone time and my problems are my problems so I don't want to waste time that I would spend with said guy talking about so and so. I want to talk about intresting things...wait my conversational skills suck. Shit...but still. I don't like whining and if you tell me I'm doing it I'll most likely knock it off. I'm more dependable then I'll admit. And I'm fun. I swear I'm putting off guys until next year. I hate that without a job, not only do my mommy skills go up to almost scary levels, my amazing music hunting skills plumit to almost non-existant levels. I should not be baking and cleaning the kitchen and folding towels nearly as much as I am. I miss having a few new cds a month. I hate that no matter how hard I try to not be a girl, that shit seeps out of my pores. And there is absoulutly nothing I can do to stop it. I cry and watch shitty movies and use the baby voice with puppies. But take the good with the bad damn it cause I won't cry when you can see it, I watch more good movies then shitty, and no matter how much the baby voice is used, I DON'T WANT KIDS RIGHT NOW. Not unless you want to pay for my full year of stupid shit so I get it out of my system before I'm rock a bye babying every night. And I can wear heels and a skirt without biffing it. I hate how I just noticed that the I hate every guy thing went on and on and on and I have so little to say about anything else. I hate the little shits who think that throwing rocks through car windows is smrt. Karmas a bitch, fuckers, so when your car gets stripped you totally did it to yourself. I hate that the guy who came to fix that car window was staring at my little sister. You know what? She asks for that shit so nevermind. She dresses all cute so that her friends like her and boys like her but you know what? There is a lot more to the world then the people that like you and there are a lot more that don't like you or don't know you. Don't be stupid. Don't be loud and cute at the same time. Do one or the other. I hate my family. They are pretty shitty. I don't care that they are my family cause I love them and all but there is no denying what I know. I can be a little bit more objective then most and I don't mind saying what I think some times. I hate that guy. It's been more then a year and my eyes are still tearing up just thinking about him. Who the fuck cries all the time? That's right, girls cry all the time. I fucking love him and he wants to treat me like shit still? FUCK. Yes, I got wicked drunk and had sex with another guy. I can't deny that. I blacked out and shit happened. Old habits die hard. At least they die. And now for the rest of my fucking life I'm going to be a cheater. And everyone says, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." so mayb I should just lead guys to believe that I'm worth time to invest in a committed realationship and accidently let it out that they are only one of many once I get bored. I should be a life ruiner. I hate how my skin gets itchy so damned easy but I down like 6 water bottles a day. I scratch my back and my thighs a lot. I don't always but lotion on them all the time cause I'm in a rush or I'm using my nice smelling lotion and no one is going to come even close to smelling or touching those parts so what's the point? I hate peeing all the time. Since I drink so much water I pee a lot. Its annoying having to stop what I'm doing to pee and then washing my hands so much is drying them out and lotion starts to hurt them. I hate air conditioners cause they make the air so damened cold that my hands hurt and my toes are freezing and the bathroom holds all that cold fucking air in and when I go in to pee I get goosebumps. I hate shaving my legs. That hair grows back so fast it ri-cock-ulous. I like my legs but if I don't keep up with that shit everyone starts to get grossed out. Why the fuck are you so close to my legs anyways? Ugh it sucks too cause it's summer and I have more jeans then shorts/capris/gauchos/skirts/skorts/whatevers and if I wear jeans the annoying hairs rub all over my jeans on my calfs and make my legs itchy but if I wear the shorts/capris/gauchos/skirts/skorts/whatevers then I look pokey. I hate putting make up on. That stuff takes time to put on and if I happen to mess it up and have to wash it off, I have to start all over. I have oily skin and I touch my face a lot so most of it rubs off anyways. Then if I want to rub my eyes cause I'm tired or they are itchy I look all horrible cause the mascara like stains the skin around my eyes and I look like I get beat. I like my skin damnit and I don't look that much different when I don't put it on so why do I? Cause I have it and if I don't put it on it's never going to get used and then it would have been a waste to choose which color to wear anyways. I hate saying one thing but feeling another. It sucks that I think that I should keep my feelings to myself to save you discomfort. Why am I so quick to accomidate you? Are you really that good to me? No. You just use me for your fun or whatever and then you just up and leave and I'm stuck wondering what the fuck I did wrong. I hate cats. Those fuckers are lazy and they don't do anything in return for you treating them like royality. You feed them, clean them, shovel their poo, and they lay in the sun, sleep on you for way to long, and shed their nasty long allergy hair all over everything you own. Then if you want to play with them and they don't want to they scratch you and hiss. Dogs love you and play even if they don't really want to. And they eat just about anything. And they get up and follow you around and they miss you when your gone and pee when you come back cause they are so happy. I hate that I have a horrible vocabulary and terrible grammer but I'm still better off than most people I know. I speak better then most, write better then most, and am smrter then most. I just don't want to use it all the time like a cheap trick to impress you and your little friends. Yes, I could be in school like you, but I'm not. And you know what? I'm not worried about it. I'll be fine. I hate that after almost two years of having my lip pierced, when I change it from a ring to a post I almost pass out. What the fuck? I know that shit is toughened up by now and the gauge is correct. It's my body being stupid. It's like when I'm not nervous when I talk to that guy but my stomach still gets all fluttery. Kay, mayb I'm fibbing a bit about that, I am still nervous, but that's cause I still like him way more than he deserves. But I'm all about mind over body and if I tell my body to not do something and it does it anyways, that's shit. I can't control my body! What else can't I control? You, your mom, and weather. I don't feel any better.....but I need to game and sleep. So we'll see how this morning looks from the other side of rest.

You know what? I hate feeling like shit. I'll always be sorry. You know what else I hate? Feeling so bad that I can't help but be a stupid girl. And crying. At 3. And posting blogs and bulletins about it.

I fucking hate everyone. I'm sick of feeling like shit. It's so unfair. I usually would do anything for someone if I think they are worth it. And I am screwed over. So, now I'm on a rampage. I've been short and rude to just about everyone. I blame jerks. I blame the weather. I blame my forgiving way. I blame people just forgetting about me. Just because I didn't do what everyone wanted me to do, doesn't mean I did nothing. I learned more than I could have. I was happy. SO WHY DO I HAVE TO GET BEAT DOWN?

I'm so sick. It's not fun. I like to eat and have only had a few crackers and a cup of soup. But of course my being out for one dae doesn't mean the world has stopped. How far would anyone person go for the one person they love? If they ask you to do something that makes you doubt your everything...do you do it? How stable was your everything if one request makes you question it all? It's late and my Tylenol is wearing off. I will have plenty of time to question everything in the upcoming week...

*whispering*if you are talking to me...don't be stupid...it makes me laugh at you...and while laughter mayb good for general health...I don't want to die of laughter...so...if you could plz...tone down on the stupid...idiots.

To be able to properly reason in a situtaion, the human brain relies on emotions and memory. When an especially stressful event happens the human brain responds by not only sending signals to release adrenaline but to also release other hormones that make attention to detail greater so that when placed in the situtaion again, or one like it, you can properly respond. If memory is flawed, then reasoning cannot be properly relied on in any situation. If emotion is flawed, then reasoning cannot be properly relied on in any situation. I have a horrible memory. And I guess my emotions are someone more eratic than others. Is memory to blame for my poor choices? If I can't help myself...then why is my advice and reasoning for others much greater then advice and reasoning for myself?

*whispering*don't get hurt if you trying to lead a converstaion one way and I ignore that direction and go another way...you'll get yours...mayb not from me...no reason to be all dumb about it tho and blow me off...idiot.

So, I am only 19. Yes, I'm young but that doesn't mean that I don't know what I'm talking about. What I do and say and think are a lot more expressive than other people in general my age. I learned a lot just in what I have seen, done, heard, and been around in general. I don't take things at face value but in a more moment to moment kind of way. I learned that everyone has things that they don't want to admit to thinking, knowing, doing, etc and will skew the truth or even their lies just to better fit the situation they are in. People are not what they seem to be, not even what they think they are. So much of what we are is not in a part of us that we or anyone can ever reach...but there is a reason for that. What that reason is, I'm not entirely sure...but finding out is something else I'm not sure about either. Just adjusting to others and yourself everydae is what makes you more stable than not, and the ability to adjust isn't someone a lot of people have, or ever seem to gain. I think I have it...but the problem lies in my thought process. It is flawed in many ways...and limited by what I don't remember and what I don't know. So, if I do have the ability to adjust, but my thinking is flawed...is what I think I have right?

For all the music that I have... My musical tastes SUCK. What am I to do?

I have an iPod shuffle. I took the naming part seriously and named him Pachelbel. I love Pachelbel to death, but I'm starting to notice some bad things about owning a shuffle. It's way to easy to blow off everyone and just go about my business. But what am I missing out on I wonder? I think that people notice that I'm ignoring them like I would fat-free, low calorie, no sugar added cracker, and talk behind my back in front of me. That is so not fair. If someone doesn't like me, might as well tell me so that way I can tell them how stupid they really are. And another thing is that I lost hours to listening to things that I've never noticed before. Having the earbuds makes every song I've listened to before seem much more...personal. It's freaking beautiful. Oh shit. I guess my blogging skills are at an end if I say "freaking beautiful." Damn, damn, damn. Well another dae.