Moments of pain Blog by CHiNasGiVaDaMZBuSTeD
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I'm Beginning to Forget

I thought my life should have been over
when I heard your news that day.....
but powers well beyond mine
wouldn't let me end my days....
and we all know how hard I tried......

but I'm starting to forget.

Twisted metal and shattered glass
told a tale that wasn't so.....
by all rights,
I shouldn't have survived.....
let alone without a mark on me......

but I'm starting to forget.

Pain like no other became my new constant friend
as muscle wasted into oblivion....
so much soft tissue damage,
yet not even a bruise to tell my tale......
and months of physical therapy.....

but I'm starting to forget.

Then your leaving became final
and my world rocked under that blow.....
how could I go on without you?
who would I be without you?
Would anyone ever HEAR me again?

but I'm starting to forget.

Tears came and went as I resolved
to find myself alone, without you.....
each crisis devouring me less and less,
not because they were minor in nature.....
but because MY nature was growing stronger....

and I began to forget.

Hurricane Charley blindsided Florida,
and I couldn't help thinking what an awful name Charlie was.....
my heart HATED you both....
but who had time to hold on to hate......
with reality blowing into the neighbor's yard.....

and I continued to forget.

Four hurricanes, a wrecked van, numerous doctors,
and the news that MY baby was going to have HER own baby.....
chaos and triumphs were abundant for months.....
I NEEDED you to come back sooo much.....
yet, tossed and turned I stood my ground.....

and I knew I was really forgetting.

I am completely weather-worn these days,
physically and emotionally my eyes show both sides.....
a pre-teen daughter leaving elementary school behind.....
another daughter, pre-son-in-law, and a new grandson
filling every nook and cranny of our tiny house......

and I knew I had almost forgotten.

It's been almost two years since you devastated my life.
I've hurt, I've cried, I've grieved, I've almost died....
I've laughed, I've fought, I've smiled, I've won.....
I've been so angry, so sad, so lost....
yet losing YOU meant finding ME.......

and I realized I had forgotten.

I keep you in my prayers,
you cross my thoughts at least once a day.....
my life DID change because you were in it......
it has changed more since you have been gone
and I will always be thankful for your time.....


when I try,

I can't even remember your face,

so I guess I learned to say


Even though.....




BY; Robin Dawn Palmer 7/8/05

By ChinaSwan




© 2005 ChinaSwan (All rights reserved)


Heartache, Why Do You Stay?
Love you,
Hate you....

Love you,
Hate you...

Tell me,
why do you stay?

I loved you in my mind
for a very long time
before you even noticed
I was actually alive.
You held me in your arms
for such a short time,
loving my body,
denying my heart
and everything 'emotions'
would add to the sex.

Hate you,
love you.....

Hate you,
love you...

I never asked for anything
from you.
You never felt anything for me.
You needed an outlet,
and I opened mine
to please you,
hoping to make you feel
what you never would,
but what you swore you
held dear for another
while taking me in your bed.

heartache, why do you stay?

Love you?
Hate you?

no emotions allowed...
no strings,
no ties,
just entwined bodies
drenched in lusty sweat
seeking release of pain
through each other....
but I couldn't hold to
the no emotions.....

Hate you, right?
No, love you.....
why must you stay?
Don't you get it?
Without you,
I'd be whole?

I can't just be a nothing anymore,
a hole for you to screw with,
a place to put your frustration
while disregarding mine.
I can't deny my feelings,
can't pretend to just want sex,
can't just 'be in the moment'
until YOU decide the moment's gone!

Love you?
No, hate you....
stupid love!

please just go away...
why do you insist
in standing in my way?

Hate, Hate...
Love, Love....
why do both bring forth
so much passion?
Is there a reason
I must struggle within
myself with such

And I sliced
into my skin today,
trying to bleed out
what was to come...
You didn't get to
make the decision afterall.
KARMA is a bitch,
and big sister, FATE
the avenger of the wronged....
and both stomped
their foot down on our secret,
imposing an end
to your lust,
my longing for your heart,
our bodies making memories
that should never have been ours.

Loving you....
Yep, love!

You'll be gone away soon,
displaced due to
your own actions,
or failure to act at all...
and I'll remain as I always was....
wishing I had NEVER met you,
never fallen for you,
never thought of you at all....
expecting no goodbyes,
no closure,
no nothing...
your specialty!

Heartache, why do you stay?

Because hate is painful....

~~Robin Dawn 'ChinaSwan' Palmer~~
December 15, 2009

By ChinaSwan


© 2009 ChinaSwan (All rights reserved)

Bleeding You Gone


I stand posed,
another goodbye
about to leave
your lips....
another blood droplet
plops to the floor.

I hear the phone ring,
I ignore the caller ID
in favor of another
slice into myself....
forcing the knife
to bleed you from me.

The phone falls silent,
and I stare in pain
at the only sign
you may have cared...
and my toes dip
in the red puddle beneath them.

I swipe at the tear,
denying its affects
upon my dying heart
as another dares to fall....
and I open my skin
to let you flow free of me.

Another ring,
assaulting my frantic
efforts to void myself
of every memory of you...
the knife falls to the floor
disappearing beneath the
red lake all around me.

I grab the phone,
choke out 'I love you'
and 'be happy,
my nails tear the flesh
where the tears
had betrayed me.

My heart slows,
I feel everything
about you
draining away....
you were everything
to me.....

My eyes close,
a final image of
what wasn't ours
to share imprints my memory.....
quietly I fade away,
forever free of it all....

Within the sound of silence,
I bled you gone.

Are you happy now?
She'll never know
I was there with you.....
for there's nothing
left of me
to find....
except maybe??
a stain upon YOUR heart?
if you had one....

~~Robin Dawn 'ChinaSwan' Palmer
~December 16, 2009~

By ChinaSwan


© 2009 ChinaSwan (All rights reserved)


hatred entwines my soul,
as i banish YOU from my heart....

you gave me companionship,
then robbed me of its comfort...

you gave me love,
then robbed me of its joy....

you gave me a child,
then robbed me of its life....

i gave you my entire being,
and robbed you of NOTHING...

why have you
torn my life apart?

i grew to love you
more than any person should....

you encouraged me,
only to leave me
without a word....

how could you
have been so cruel???

didn't you realize
i couldn't turn off
this sudden,
foreign surge of emotion
as abruptly as you did???

why can't you see
that beyond this
wall of despair you've instilled,
i just can't stop
being in love with you???

why did you
do this to me??

didn't i care enough,
or was i just
another toy in
your endless world
of games???

i've fought so hard
to free my heart
of you,
but the hatred
i now desire
just won't hold....

i struggle forward
forever on my own
without you.....

yet more with you
than ever.................

~~Robin Dawn 'ChinaSwan' Palmer~~
~remembering too much is heart-breaking~
~~RIP Baby Heather Elise~~

By ChinaSwan


© 2009 ChinaSwan (All rights reserved)
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