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My mom died 20 years ago today, my children will never know her, and I have lived longer without her than with her. I am not so much saddened but more nostalgic. See my life would be so different if she were to have lived. And not for the better, I believe that things happen for a reason, and sometimes the reasons are not revealed for many years. At any rate, my son is constantly reminding me of her, and how he wishes he could have met her. I don't know if I should bother to tell him that today is the day she died.. This is mindless dribble..I know, but was just thinking about the day she died..and it was like yesterday, the details still fresh in my mind. The feeling of knowing I was alone, with no siblings or father at the age of 17. It was a hideous feeling and to mount on that..I was left with the debt of the cheap ass funeral ($5,000). Her grave marker, the cheapest one that they offered, wondering if now that things are different, if I should not upgrade her marker to something a bit nicer. Ahh fuck, I dunno..it would be nice to have a Mom, someone to share my life adventures with and for my children most of all to have a Grandma.. I am thankful, that the day before she died, I got to tell her I loved her..and apologize for ditching her in her time of need. Yes, I abandoned her to escape her horrid diminishing state of health. I wish I would have spent more time with her..but being so young I just wanted to run away, instead of facing the issue at hand and making the rest of her life pleasant. For this I regret! I think the true one regret I have..

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