i feel like i won a million bucks... events of the last couple days have put me on top of the world... but i have a problem. those million bucks im feeling like wont buy the one thing i really want... you see good thing=winning the lottery bad thing=i have not a soul to tell about said good thing. You see im a procrastinator. i put everything off until the very last second. including talking to and getting in contact with my friends. I think i have alienated alot of people.
I want ever so much to be with my friends. I think about them all the time.
you see i am a very compartmentalized person. i put all areas of my life in little boxes. boyfriends in one box. gaming friends in one. cherry tap friends clarksville friends mason city friends. clear lake friends nora springs friends. and belmond friends. each box is of a different size. they all look different in my mind. they represent periods in my life. i keep all these boxes because they all represent good parts of the person i am.
To me Belmond friends represent endurance. they lasting parts of me. my will to keep moving.
Nora springs friends are my guiding lights. they are the people that stuck by me when i use to lie through my teeth and be something i wasnt. they stuck by it through that to see the person i am today. and all though i may not be much they love me just because im me.
My clear lake friends were initially born out of desperation. i felt like i had no one and started to hang out with them just so i wouldnt be bored. but they did teach me a valuable lesson about speaking your mind and not beeing meek about the things you want... they taught me a certain amount of spontanaity and i am forever greatful to them for that
my mason city friend are amazing. the friendliest people you will ever want to know. they are the people i want to be for several reasons. they know how to balance things. they have alot of fun, but they know when its time for the fun to stop they can go to work and come home in a good mood because they are working for something. they made me learn about self improvement the most valuable lesson of the day
my clarksville friends taught me kindness they were there or me when NO one else was. helped me through the hardest time in my life. a time when i was basically at the mercy of others, they were always there with a word of encouragement or help in some way i love them forever
my cherry tap friends taught me about loyalty... staying loyal to one another through anything and it is amazing that there are people out there who will stick by me through anything... because of a common connection
my gaming friends taught me about what family is all about. i love these guys with all my heart. they have shown me teamwork and not for the sake of helping yourself but of helping a friend they have shown me the giving nature in human beings and taught me that i am a valuable person when i was in my darkest days they lifted me up with there words and actions and taught me that i am a good person
In each of these boxes they have there own little worlds and all the people in these worlds have something in common with one another a certain bond that cant be broken. but when ou look at these boxes from the outside the only thing they have in common with one another is that they are all in a room together. a room that resides within me.
my biggest problem is that i can only focus on one box at a time. if im with my mason city friends thats all i can think about for long periods of time. seems i have been focused on my gaming friends and leaving everone else in the dust and that saddens me because it represents the pattern my life has taken. jusmping from one thing to the next. never sticking with any one thing because you had no glue to hold them together.
now we come to the boyfriend box. this one is slightly different, because it represents different periods in my life. we dig through the box and down at the bottom we find edward. edward was the first man i ever said i love you too. and i thought i meant it at the time. i think i was in love with the fact that he wanted me. no one had ever wanted me before.he had taught me the lesson of desire. and i was settling. settling for the first acceptable thing that came my way... i didnt really love him though i thought i did. several occurences throughout this period made me belive there was no such thing as love.
fastforward a year later. i am now 23 i havent had any boyfriends. since edward and he was honestly my first. i had a few flames. was starting to get really interested in one guy when BAM my life changes forever in a heartbeat. im stuck surfing the internet day after day after day because i couldnt do anything. they didnt know if i was ever going to be able to really truely walk again. and i meet a boy. a boy who is taken a beautiful kind person whom i had a lot in common with. we talked as friends for a bit and i ended up falling in love head over heals for the first time EVER in love. the real deal folks, the kind of love that you feel forever. and he loved me as well. and then one afternoon it all changed. suddenly he didnt want to be with me. at first i was sad and then i was ANGRY. i wanted revenge. and the only thing i could do was go to a guys house that night and sleep with him. I did but revenge it was not because the sex was so good, i could only imagine it was my boy. the amazing boy i had fallen in love with.
my life moved on after that though it was hard in those moments when he would pop back into my life. i didnt really date anybody for awhile. though there were 2 men that influenced my life very much in tha period of time. crunchy, and dman.
crunchy i honestly believe is my soul mate. we share a brain. like all the same things. but it turned out platonic. we were too much the same person for it to have ever gone anywere with. then he broke my heart. he chose to leave rather than own up to the mistakes he had made. he taught me that alchohol is retarded and that balance of interests is a good thing he also taught me not to put all my trust in one person.
dman taught me to take things slow. lay back and enjoy the ride hes my hero lol
but after the boy left me everyone i met was him.i dated for awhile afterwards and i was always looking for a replacement bacause the boy had been all id ever wanted. then one day i ge a message. the most sincere apology message i have ever recieved. i nearly cried. but i had gotten to a point by then where i could have been just his friend. i told him straight up that i was still in love with him. but i would be willing just to be his friend.
and the last few days talking to him have been amazing.. its like we picked up where we left off. i genuinely do love him always have always will
i love this boy because he has everything i have ever wanted. he inspires me to be a better person. he makes me want to take all the boxes out of my mind and dump em into one big box. makes me want to see and hear from all my friends. all of them. get them all involved with my life. all at once. he makes me want to write and draw and sing. he inspires me to keep trucking when i dont think i can anymore he lifts me up and makes me feel like i am the only personin the world... hes not overbearing and he is encouraging... hes the only person i can be myself around. he makes me want to be well rounded and be a better friend. this boy is my everything. this boy is my angel and i love him for all these things
i love you tony... always have, always will *blows kisses*
