Deep down there's too much on my mind. I mean I look at the past 2 years and how I've made 2 huge mistakes in my life. The first was my DUI (well OVI here in this state) and then this year with losing my job. It's hard not to feel like I've disappointed family and others around me who thought highly of me. And disappointing people is the worst thing to me. I'd rather someone be pissed at me then disappointed in me.
On top of that having to deal with cutting friends out of my life who are more bad than good, dealing with a friend who was dying from cancer but thankfully he beat it. Although I've told no one this...but I haven't heard from him in over a month. And that scares the hell out of me because last time we were talking he had a blood clot on his lung. It was in a spot they couldn't do surgery to remove it. I've never gone this long without hearing from him. I keep fearing that any day now...I'll get a text saying he passed away. Every time my text goes off...I fear that. I know a friend of his that I've met a few times and hung out with has my number. We had arranged it before when he was dying from cancer that this friend would get my number in case the worst ever happened.
Then having to watch my mom go through this year with her own mother's health failing. Everyone in the family deep down knows she's getting worse and that who knows how much longer she has. And when that day comes...I know it's just going to crush my mother. She's such a caring soul, like an angel and there will be nothing I can do for her. And that just tears me apart. At most I'll be able to hug her while she cries and try to be strong for her. There's other things on my mind as well...but I won't get into them. I just fear lately that instead of becoming a better person...I'm screwing up things. Friendships, work, life, tons of things.
