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Be yourself. Be true to yourself.

But what happens when you are.... and no one accepts you for your true being.

Then all I hear is an awkward silence.

That the ones that hurt, never speak.

(I'm breaking this up because no one would read any of it if it were two miles long.)

I occasionally post some of things in my life that stress me out... I never really get much in the way of response or they turn into empty promises. But like I said in "einz" it's too much for me and no one has time for me. I take that back. One person did, I happened to be at my father's crying. And my phone had died.

I've seen a lot of shit come and go in my short 26 years... a lot. A lot more than most see in their lives.

I have been abused in every way imaginable from just about any person you could think of that could.

I have seen death. In the droves.

I have been shoved down, kicked and then maimed mentally, physically, verbally and psychologically. I have been mind fucked and mind bended.

I have been lied to, made to lie, seen someones lies.

I have been made to be silent. And made to scream.

I had to deal with watching the one person that I believed that could protect me, and the only person I've ever felt safe with become crippled and weak.

I have ... stood by. Always waiting. Always hoping. That one day it will be my turn to know what it's like to live instead of exist.

I've lost it all. Fought for nothing and gained little just to have it all be taken from me all over again.

But here I stand. A testament that I am alive. I made it. So far.
It's getting hard. Even harder next week.

I'm about to be evicted. Most of my utilities will be shut off within the week.
I have not one... but two jobs. Neither will let me work. In my job... I watch people die. Slowly. As devastating as that may sound at least I get the gratification that I know I made it less painful for them as they died.

We lost all of our patients in a 6 week stint. We have yet to take on any new clients. It's been 8 weeks since I worked anywhere near 40 hours. It's been 3 with no hours.

I applied for assistance on September 1st. I won't even get an appointment until the 23rd. Why? Because I had 200 dollars in my bank account. 200 dollars to pay my bills, put gas in my car, and take care of Aria and myself. 200 dollars.

I now have $3.23 to my name. That's only because Mike gave me 10 bucks so my account wouldn't over draw.

I applied for unemployment the same day. I was denied.

The prevention programs have to ensure I can pay next months bills so they won't pay my rent.

My dad said I could move in with him.

The state of Ohio says children over 3 must have their own bedrooms. I won't have a room. I'll have a couch.

These are also the problems I face having to move to the only place we can go:

-Buster... He will make my life a living hell. He finds this out and I will be going back to court I'm sure. I'll be an unstable unfit mother.

-I will be pulling my daughter out of the only school she knows and away from the only friends she has and thrusting her into an entirely different situation.

-I can't stay there forever and there's no jobs there, so just catching up would be difficult.

-I will be 90 minutes away from everyone I know but my parents.

-There's a good likelihood I lose the funding paying for my schooling.... thus. I will not finish.

Major Issue numeral DOS!
My car is about 2 weeks from dying. I have no working seatbelt.
my back 2 windows are held in place with shims. they fall down without notice.. if they do and it's raining... my daughter is drenched. Has anyone noticed it's getting cold....?

There you have it. That's my week in a nutshell.

On top of my father's mounting heart issues, my possible future ankle surgery, pink eye, strep throat, and a lung infection.

I know you're sorry.... I know it sucks.... I know you wish you could help....

But if you're actually one of the like 3 that actually CAN.... now is the time.

There's really nothing left for me to say anymore.... this is what I deal with.... all the time on top of my mommy/daddy duties, my jobs when I have hours and my school work.

My cousin said I need a miracle.

I do.

That it's typically those who are silent are the ones in need.

I'm not even sure who on here will give a crap. I write because my heart is too heavy to be by itself right now... and no one I thought cared for me will give me the hour I need to just .... I don't even what I need.
A hug would be nice. A conversation that involves nothing negative. A joke. A good fucking cry with someone, because this crying for hours by myself shit needs to end...

I rarely post the shit I go through. I've learned people don't like to read it. And even less actually do anything about it. Maybe it's flabbergasting. or.... fuck. I don't even know what it could be.

I'll start with the burning question that's on a lot of people's list, some of them I answered. Some I didn't because I got sick of having to go through it.... and then 80% of those I told didn't really understand... either because they don't have kids or never had a custody battle.

July 31st and August 24th I went to court.
The 31st I was summoned by Aria's dad... Whom I'll refer to throughout as Buster.
I hadn't even received a copy of proposed entry from his lawyer. The first thing that happened was... this lawyer withdrew herself from the case... if I know anything it's because he didn't pay her.
So now we're both there without lawyers..... The judge had drawn up the agreed judgment entry... To keep our order as is.... OMFG what a waste of time energy and money for me. I hadn't slept, I was emotionally distraught... and for nothing.

What did he want? To go from 24 hours a month, to 50/50... he's an idiot.

The only other thing that happened was the judge said that only when Buster pays substantially towards his child support for me (which includes his other 2 kids since it's always equally divided between the 3) he can revisit this idea...until than the order stands, once he does he doesn't have to pay to restart the motion.

My grievance you ask? Well typically lawyers in something like this don't just withdraw it's from non-payment... so he never really paid for the motion and now he'll be allowed reopen later without a new motion.... whiskey tango foxtrot

August 24th we went for the non-payment of his child support in the last year.. where he straight up lied to the lawyer... and than argued with me about it. Seriously? He's that stupid.. you're going to argue with me about a situation that is in clear black and white? In the end after he left, the magistrate had it pulled, looked at and than it was filed out along with the order to pay me and to appear in January to purge and for sentencing if he doesn't. Its September 18th.... not a penny yet...And I don't foresee it happening. Fine. Here's his get out of jail free card. *lights on fire to watch it smolder to ash*

I will be asking for maximum sentencing.

I got this awesome email...

I believe if people want to send me disgusting messages, they absofuckinglutely deserve what they get back.

Then when I shoot back something they whine to their "friends" on here.

I'm sorry... if one person lives in Georgia and the other lives in Western Nevada.... I find it very hard to believe you actually know this person in real life... and if you haven't met them and spent extensive time around them.... then um hello you stupid asshat, you don't "know" this person at all... With a website full of XXX stuff and the premise is pretending you're at a bar, a persons integrity is only as good as what you portray yourself as....

If you want to make harsh, mean, spiteful or XXX comments... go for it.  But if I shoot back at you, please be a man or woman enough to take them, instead of a whiny bitch. 


No one likes a whiny bitch....


So today I posted another global MUMM. I find it amusing that it's like no one is literate anymore. I simply asked what is sexier "Curly hair or straight?" I did not ask what looked better on me, but offered a way to look at a picture of both... Yet time and again, I received comments about how I shouldn't care what others think... I don't care what you think in regards in what looks better on me, I just wanted to SIMPLY know YOUR opinion on which is liked more. The responses I receive aren't going to be some all out this is how I"m going to do my hair because the people on Fubar said so... it's an opinion. And nothing more.
I realize that whatever I'm about to type here, will probably be scrutinized and commented on by.. mostly haters. But hey it is what it is... and if you post a stupid comment I'll just laugh at you. I find it amazing.... that here on fubar... people act like they never would in the streets. As many people who have commented, messaged, rated, and private messaged me to say I'm hot, I have a feeling you'd never do it if I passed you on the street or saw you in a real bar. To all those people out there, that for amusement purposes only leave mean nasty ridiculous comments on Mumm's and peoples profiles, simply forgetting there is another person on the other end... I find that amazing... People wonder why America has gone so "downhill"... it's because we hide behind our profiles and act certain ways just because we can, at least in the online world. I have always maintained the idea that if I couldn't say it to that persons face.. I am not going to say anywhere else, online or other. On another note... If you see a service member.. ANY day of the year, you thank them for their service. Their defending your right to tell me all those nasty things.
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