So here it goes well where should I start hmmm I have a wonderful boyfriend..... He and I have been togather for sometime now.... we have been through so much in the time that we have been togather..... so much that i dont even know where to start... We ment back in Sept 06 and we hit it off so well... by the mid October I could talk to him about anything.... I would often wonder what it would be like to be with him and when I was away I would miss him I thought to myself how is that possible when I never met the man in person....so most of my nights would be taking care of my kids and getting to talk to him as much as I could... I was begining to have feelings that I didnt know should be there ..... I tryed to ignore them but I guess when they are that strong there isnt nothing u can do to not feel that way..... I could truly say I loved a man that i never met but I still felt like that wasnt possible so me and my best friend went shopping and we came up with this nutty Idea to meet him in person and see what kind of a connect there was ..... So we came home and we hurryed inside and asked if he would drive up to see us ....... well he then said he couldnt not that day but the next day he doesnt see why not omg I was so excited my heart was pounding and I had butterflies and so on ..... I felt like a little kid in a candy store.... so needless to say we packed the kids up and left for the hotel by the time we got there it was late so we just hung out and let the kids play themselfs to sleep.... we talked to him all the way up till he left for the airport ..... I still couldnt believe I was meeting someone off of the computer...... I had so many feelings running through me I was excited, scared, happy, nervous and so much more...... well then he called back and said that he missed his flight and he had to drive oh man a set back it was sad but he said he would come..... still i would think that well maybe he wouldnt why would he for me.... of all ppl why does this man want me .... I have nothing to give him all i have is my love ..... so I was really nervous by this time... I wanted him to come but I was scared that I wouldnt measure up to his standards.... so we waited and waited so around 8-9 at night we left and went looking for the hotel that he booked for us ..... well we searched and searched and needless to say after about an hr we finally found it but we were missing him LOL and we couldnt get in without him so he called and told us that he couldnt find it and we told him we did find it and just tell us where you r and we will meet you and you can follow us to the hotel..... so he told us and when I pulled up and saw his headlights I got so nerves..... so my best friend got out first and then I got out when i was walking up to his car I didnt know what to do so I decided to just let my heart take over he had his window rolled down and was smoking ..... I leaned in and kissed him I shocked myself for some reason when I did that all these feelings rushed over me .... I have only felt those feelings once before but they didnt measure up to how strong they were now ... I just kept thinking to myself how the hell is that possible when i never met him before....so we drove to the hotel....where we unpacked and got the kids all upstairs.... I would look at him and get all giddy ......I was boggled how the heck could I Love Him in anyway other then a friend ....... I waited for this for so long and now that he was right infront of me I didnt want to let it go.... I have never felt this for anyone.... I mean I have loved once before but I had to let that person go.... But this wasnt nothing like how I felt right now...... OMG it was amazing I could look in his eyes for ever I saw and I still see so much in them eyes... well we spent 3 days togather well almost...... they were so amazing I felt like I was dreaming... the day we were getting ready to leave was so hard..... I felt as though this was the end of my dream and I had to just suck it up and pick myself up and go on .... as we were finishing up loading the van.......I came around to the front of the van to say my goodbyes omg I started to cry over a man that i only spent three days with what the hell was my heart thinking... watching him walk away to his car was killing me when what I really wanted to do was run to him and tell him to run away with me ....... but that wasnt possible I had to let him go no matter how hard it was I cant be selfish....so Yes ppl he did leave and it killed me.. so that was the longest ride in my life back home omg I didnt want to be there..... only in his arms was where i wanted to be..... so we unpacked the van and I cryed and cryed it was a horrible feeling but as the days went on I felt alittle better......when he got home he IM'd me I was happy to hear he was home safe and sound but sad cuz I dreamnt he would have came after me ..... but no that wasnt it ... He had to go he had things to take care of and so did I ....so the next few weeks were really hard but had to be done...well thanksgiving was coming and we decided to spend it togather along with some other friends so yet again another drive to the hotel and the kids and unpacking but damn it was well worth it this time we spent I believe 10days and omg those days were heaven I didnt want to leave his side I wanted to lay with him forever I was truly madly inlove with him .... In my mind and heart I felt like he could be that one that you cant live without but I didnt want to jump the gun I just kept it to myself for sometime...so that time came again that I had to watch him leave yet again and this time tore me up worse then the last....man this was sucking bad and I kept thinking how could it be where we didnt have to leave each other ... I came up with no answer it just had to be like this ... so we drove home and this time was worse then the last I was hurting so bad I have never cryed about a man... so he called to tell me he was home but that wasnt what I wanted to hear I wanted to hear that he was coming for me that he couldnt be away.... but no he had to be there he had stuff to do and yet so did I again.... well dec. went and then Jan was here ..... we planned for him to come for a weekend and well he did and it was so amazing yet another time with him was a piece of heaven everytime spent with him was better then the last.... I loved him with all of my heart and soul but I still couldnt tell him I could tell him I loved him but not that i was that crazy about him.... I felt if he knew how much i truly loved him that i might of scared him away......so feb came and went and r relationship was off of the computer for some time..... and march came and i had a huge move ahead of me back to the states I go... omg ppl once i hit u.s grounds I felt like a huge piece of me was missing at least when i was in Germany I was closer to whom I wanted to be with ... Oh we have a huge challenge ahead and so many ups and downs I had no one to talk to I felt as though i was losing control and every which way I turned someone was saying that it wasnt going to happen.... I had to have him soon cuz if not I would lose it all..... so I got a house and got it set up and in April the big day came he was COMING OMG I was so excited I couldnt wait I havent seen him in person sense feb..... The day I waited for so long .... HE's here everything and anything I ever wanted....... It was amazing april went..... may came it was like heaven I had everything I needed..... Yes we had ups and downs but I felt with him by myside I could do anything ....so well things started to go wrong not with us but for us.... we were happier then ever well I know i was... and I believe he was to ..... well June came and what was going wrong just kept growing.... argh how shitty..... so well he had to go again cuz of other reasons not cuz of him and I but others... and this time I literally was sick to my stomach the one man in my life that i truly loved with all of my heart was here i had it all and then i watched it walk away ........ omg i was so torn so upset so sad..... I didnt want to function I wanted to just sit and cry and cry and still right now I cry for him so much... But he had to go I couldnt keep him here ........ so hes back in his home country right now as we speak....... and I can truly say that this is one of the hardest things i have to go through by myself..... I dont wish this on anyone... I am hurting so bad....... I feel as though I have no one only him and hes gone right now..... I wish things were different and he was here or I was there....... I wish we were togather cuz I can tell you I took him for granted and I charished every moment we had togather...... And right now as I am typing this.... I am crying this is so hard..... I love this man with all of my heart and soul and I want nothing more to be with him until the end of time...... But as I type this we still arent sure when we will see each other soon....... We are shooting for the 20th of August but some thing is telling me other wise....... when what I really want is him to knock on the door and me open it and him be there down on one knee asking me to be his for ever or until the end of time....... I wish it could be different and two different worlds can come togather as one and I wish ppl would put there feelings aside and for once be happy for what we r trying so hard to fight for...... So if he reads this I hope it explains the way I feel alittle more...... all I can say is That I truly deeply Love you with all of my heart and soul and I want nothing more but to be with you until the end of time and for everyone else plz wish us luck cuz we have came such a long way to give up now but plz dont think we have it easy for one sec..... there has been so many ups and downs......and this is very difficult but If i have one thing to tell you all is DONT GIVE UP ON WHAT YOU WANT FIGHT TILL YOU CANT FIGHT NO MORE.... Okay well until next time everyone... just need to type alittle.....well alot.....
