WRITTEN BY~ Michael Gene Hendrix
Tough Chicks are the coolest type of female around, except maybe for Tough Rich Chicks. But those are rare. All my life I've sought out Tough Chicks for hanging-out-with purposes, and it's always been extremely rewarding. I always just hated frilly, frowsy, helpless Gurly-Gurls. Southern Belles are the absolute worst type of Gurly-Gurl, by the way, and are the archetype by which the genre is defined. Avoid them like death; they're dysfunctional, whiny, clingy, deceitful, unintelligent but guileful, and generally useless. Please note also that Tough Chicks are not in any way to be confused with Hard Women, who are also must-to-avoid.
The Tough Chick knows that violence is an extremely stupid and unproductive way to handle domestic disputes; the Hard Woman will suddenly smash a beer bottle over your head without warning and claim it was for something you said two weeks ago, even though she's always too drunk to remember what happened yesterday. Hard Women are identifiable by copious quantities of blue or green eyeshadow and the stale cheap beer smell on their breath. They also tend towards cowboy boots and Camaros. For more on Hard Women and the men who love them, see MulletsGalore.com. Meanwhile, onwards...
A Tough Chick digs real men, but not macho assholes. The grease under the nails thing fits in here, but just try pinching her ass uninvited with those greasy paws and see what you get. Asshole.
A Tough Chick doesn't need you to change a tire, she can do it herself. But she appreciates the help.
A Tough Chick can hold her booze well, but if she does get a trifle smashed, she will still maintain her decorum at least somewhat and is usually a fun drunk. If she seems inebriated to the point of collapse, watch over her carefully - some scumball in the bar has recognized her value and has slipped her a roofie. A Tough Chick will never have to buy all her own drinks in a bar. People will want to buy them for her, even if you're around. This doesn't necessarily mean they're trying to snake you; they just like her.
A Tough Chick doesn't mind if you look, but you better not stare, creep.
A Tough Chick is loyal. She'll stand at your back in a bar fight with a knife in one hand and the car keys in the other. The Tough Chick won't need to borrow your knife - she has her own.
A Tough Chick has the annoying yet endearing quality of being able to grab any of your hats, no matter what type, put it on herself, and instantly look way cooler than you ever did in it. She can pull off all sorts of ordinary or unusual clothing combinations with style and panache. She makes anything look good. If she wears jeans and a baby-tee, she's cute. If she wears leather pants and a ripped-up cowboy shirt tied across her midriff, she's hot as hell. If she wears a strapless evening gown with a corsage, she's unexpectedly dazzling and radiant. You will sometimes feel like a hapless schlub next to her.
A Tough Chick knows what you mean by the term "Tough Chick" and understands that it's not meant to be in any way condescending, insulting, or slanderous, but highly complimentary. She knows it's pretty much the same as what Sinatra meant when he called a woman a "broad."
A Tough Chick takes no shit, from you or anybody else. On the other hand, she will never give you any (undeserved) shit either. Tough Chicks are not in the shit business.
A Tough Chick is independent, intelligent, smart-assed, funny, rowdy, and resourceful.
A Tough Chick likes your friends and doesn't mind hanging out with them. Likewise, her friends are always great too. Don't be surprised if one of your friends hooks up with one of her friends at some point. Be happy for them - they're both coming out on the good side.
A Tough Chick is capable of morphing into a Gurly-Gurl, but only temporarily, for brief periods in appropriate circumstances. For example, bring a puppy or kitten home as a gift for her and watch her go all teary and mushy. Likewise, if she seems giggly, she won't be annoying about it. More likely, you'll be giggling with her yourself in pretty short order.
A Tough Chick will sit up with you and drunkenly discuss philosophy, religion, great books, and the wonders of WD-40 with you till the sun comes up. Then, when you go to bed, watch out: Tough Chicks are sexual dynamite. You could possibly end up seriously hurt. You will always have that painful pelvic-bone bruise the next day, and possibly claw-marks as well. They are adventurous and uninhibited. The sheets will get all sweaty and end up all wadded from all the thrashing around.
