Maelbolgia's blog: "Mental Trappings"

My mom used to date a guy named Ed for a while. His son Ritchie and I ended up good friends so it worked out pretty well. Ed had some friends up in Michigan that lived on a farm. They had 6 kids and plenty of room for adventure as we had a great many there every summer for a time. The day we decided to go on a special recon will forever stay in my mind as the first time I felt actual Terror. It was local lore that 2 women lived in this old house just down from The Farm. There had been a husband / father at one time but he had apparently died for he had not been seen for years. Nobody made mention of any grave either, We of course had to "check it out". We reconed the place for 3 days under 3 watches to observe their movements and see just "who" was actually living there if anyone was at all at the old house. On day 2 we were granted a view of both the mother and the sister both hanging out "laundry". The both wore the old granny style flower dressed and appeared to be soiled, dirty, unclean. Yet they were doing laundry. It didn't seem too significant. On day 4 they left the house and began to walk down the long stretch of road into town. This was our opportunity to infiltrate and assess the local rumors that there was quite possibly a dead body somewhere in or around the house. The house was locked up tight but I had no problem gaining access, it's a natural talent I suppose. We crawled into the house via magically opened window and proceeded to check out the surroundings. The smell was like roasted pig and corn, nothing out of the ordinary for the locals there so we went in further. The living room reminds me of "All in the family" it was a 50's style "classic" look covered in age and un-keptness. It was then I heard " Holy shit look at the lampshade!" So of course I did. It looked like a regular old lampshade in all but the obvious image of an anchor and banner inscribed U.S.N. This inspired great terror in all of us, yet we proceeded on. To the side of an arm chair were 2 large jugs filled with a brownish red fluid that I would really like to believe wasn't blood. This we could not leave behind! Evidence!! There was a noise at the door. They were back. Now 5 kids between the ages of 10 and 14 make a lot of noise when fleeing in terror for their lives from becoming lampshades so we were pursued by the mother and daughter into the cornfields behind the house where we decided of course it was best to scatter and run like you had to shit your dress. So we ran. We met up at the river and sat there for quite some time amazed at what we'd just seen and to this day I will never forget that reddish brown liquid splashing everywhere as Ritchie dropped it on his way out the back door. It smelled very awful.

There has and always will be in each and every human the need for bigger, better shinier objects. From the simplest things such as new shoes to more complex desires such as partners, cars, houses, and entertainment. Where do we draw the line to contentment? What exactly is it that drives us to the need to possess the newest, coolest, shiniest object we can find? Perhaps the answer lies in the question itself, as any intelligent person would plainly see by the question alone how frivolous a task this is. We seek that which others or ourselves would find to be something more special than the next person has. It's not so much a matter of possession at all so much as having possession of something bigger, better, stronger, faster and shinier to place ourselves up 1 step higher than the next person. To most people a newer car would surely be the way to go and of course you'll see quite a few new shiny cars on the roads driven by total idiots who god only knows managed to get a drivers license in the first place let alone managed to figure out how to put the damn thing in drive. Then you'll see a lot of older cars, some perhaps not in the best of shape but still running while others have been maintained and kept clean and shiny and well running for many many years. The value isn't based on the year make and model of the car so much as the amount of pride, care and dedicated maintainability the owner puts into that car. You could go grab a brand new car off the lot and be the cool kid on the block until you forget to put oil in one day and you then have a useless shiny car that doesn't run, while that older car that's been meticulously cared for since the dark ages goes driving by mockingly followed by an old rusted out pickup doing the same. Where is the real value of "newer - shinier"???? Will that new car really get you to work faster and make you the talk of the town? Perhaps it might for a little while till someone else has a newer shinier car indeed as is going to happen eventually. In the end we're left having to constantly upgrade our shiny objects for what? To keep up with the status quo? To keep up with being cool? To keep up with our neighbors? To satisfy our inner arrogance? Or is it just a matter of frivolous spending and a meaningless game to achieve nothing but wasting time trying to have the newest coolest shiniest object? You tell me...

The Mantrap There was a time when sure I guess I could say I wasn't afraid of who and what I was. As we travel through life however we tend to come to the realization that we are what we are. Finding ourselves to be the significant embodiment to which we fall prey to inner honesty and deceit. Nobody knows that which we do not inform them of and truly ignorance is bliss in their case. It was the summer of my mid life crisis and I was of course relishing in reliving my childhood fantasies. I guess I never grew out of them really. I've always been the type to take the moment and twist it to my passions. Being that I'd done this my entire life it became apparent that this was no ordinary mid life crisis, rather a continuing way of life that I just started making excuses for. Without the means to gratify my desires on my own I went out searching in others for what I didn't possess. Nothing new I supposed, we all do it. Don't we? Realistically speaking I was going after what I'd always wanted, companionship, love, and of course money. So when the opportunity reared is most horrific head yet once again I took it of course. Not concerned about the long term outcome as much as the instant gratification of filling my needs with things I felt were intimately rewarding and things I had to have in my world, I took them by the horns and went for a ride. The sight of her was all but perfection in imperfection. The way she walked, the way she held herself in a composed state of chaos when we talked. I knew I wanted her. My mind and soul took to her like a madness that consumed me. When she spoke all I could do was listen, eyes focused, mind ablaze with questions unanswered. Feeling like I'd gone through this before, which I had I told myself not to get "too" carried away. Little did I really know just how far it had already gone. It wasn't long before I was completely consumed in my world of self indulgence, happily taking my fill of what it was I wanted and relishing in my self induced euphoria without remorse. If I had seen things from any other perspective I might have thought this was far too good to be true, but as I wasn't here for the relationship so much as the gratification of my own selfish desires, so it mattered not. Yes I guess I was "In the game" so to speak, but that's just what I do. And so it played itself out like a bad hand of cards. I hadn't stopped to realize just how easy it was, how absolutely flawless things really were. Each day it was the same, pure delightful self fulfilling lust filled delight. I'd become hypnotized or rather seduced I guess feeling that I was losing control over the game itself I had to try and take a closer introspective look at just what was happening to me. Upon my self examination I discovered nothing much of consequence and quite honestly saw more good than bad. Here I was living it up happily for once and on top of the world. It just didn't jive. I decided to approach her with my curiosity and see just what it was she herself was after. The following visit I took her out for dinner, a nice quiet cozy dinner at my favorite joint. We talked as usual, deep chaotic conversation mixed with extreme sexual overtones and most intellectual indeed discussing everything from philosophies to science and religion and of course the menu and it's multitude of artery hardening delights. Once the waitress had taken our order I decided this was the time to pop the proverbial question. I asked her "What exactly is it that you find attractive in me?". Without a moment of hesitation she looked me straight in the eyes and replied "Well your soul of course silly.". I laughed but somehow I felt it was more a nervous laugh than one of comedy or humor, though I played it off well with a big smile and replied "Well my dear if it's my soul your after then so be it, it's yours.". That was my final mistake. Her eyes came alight with desire and her face lit up like a damn Christmas tree on fire. I felt that if she were any more excited she'd go into fits of multiple orgasms right there at the table. The waitress noticed as well that something was definitely peaking her interests, she actually commented about it with a simple "My my am I interrupting here?" as she gently set the table with silverware. I felt like asking the waitress for help or some form of rescue at this point, as I was getting the vibe that something indeed was going on and I was actually the 1 getting played somehow. As we were addressed with the wonderful selection of food we had ordered I was trying to get over her sudden excitement and her apparent lack of inhibition to hide what seemed like more of an appetite than a reaction. We ate together in the first true moment of silence we'd had since our chance meeting. It was an eerie silence and the gluttonous smirk never left her face, I was beginning to get afraid.. very afraid. I tried to start a conversation but words were not coming forth at all. I felt like I was somehow gagged from any form of communication whatsoever and merely a puppet for her amusement. This was not how the game was to be played out at all, I was supposed to be taking control and in control, however somehow the tables had definitely turned. Some how I managed to squeak out "So hows the food?" my words falling out of my previously gagged mouth sounded like a child in distress. Her eyes turned dark as she replied "Oh this is but the appetizer dear.". With that I decided I wanted out and now! Her voice gave me chills worse than any thought of horror or any previously viewed movie, play or book that had some horrific plot. It was like I was totally undone and at her mercy and not at all in control of the moment anymore. I lost my appetite on the spot and sat back in my seat and attempted to think of some excuse to run, and run like nobodies business never looking back. I had it at last! "I have to use the bathroom excuse me I'm not feeling too well." I groaned again sounding like a mere child too afraid to speak up. She laughed slightly and replied "Whatever, have fun.". I got up from the table and almost tripped the entire way into the bathroom almost at a dead run with sweat starting to form on my brow I knew this had to be the single most bizzare experience I'd ever had on a date. The bathroom was never so inviting as I sat myself on the sink that groaned under my weight as I leaned back to try and sort things out in my mind. The door opened an she walked in like it was quite alright for her to be in the mens bathroom. "What the hell?" I accidentally blurted out. "Your not getting away that easy." she replied grimacing like the Devil himself. She slowly approached me with a walk so seductive I actually began to forget just how creepy this was all getting. Her arms wrapped around me as she closed in ever so gently and foreboding. "What's up?" I asked like some moronic teenage acne faced geek. "Your adrenaline levels sweetie. Are you ok?" she asked rather sarcastically. I'd never before felt so eager to live, to run and yet so unable to control my fear. She began kissing my neck slowly, seductively and I totally lost control. Like a madman I began the dance of primal bestial sexual plunder with her, her arms around me and hands reaching down my pants as if she owned what was inside. I was nervous indeed and fell this could be the best sex of my life I needed to chill the fuck out and just deal with it. She aroused me instantly like some form of snake charmer and of course being male how was I to say no? She slowly closed the distance between her mouth and my "better half" meanwhile I sat on the sink watching in almost sheer pleasurable horror as if I was witnessing the best porn I'd ever seen. Her mouth was warm to say the very least, more like I'd found home as she teased and delighted me beyond even my pervish imagination. Was this heaven or had I merely been without for far too long? This continued for what seemed 10 lifetimes while not 1 patron entered the bathroom I felt this was just so wrong. Where was everyone and theres no way the bathroom could be this vacant for this long. It was then I'd noticed that it was also far too quiet so I gently reached for the door handle that was just close enough for me to not disturb her from her task at hand, but the door was locked tight. My heart dropped and my blood froze as she looked up at me and chuckled deeply while feeding herself on what I now felt was my soul. Slowly and deviously she had gotten herself between my legs and her arms around my waist had pinned me to the sink. I could not escape. Her mouth began to move faster and faster along with her hands and I felt somehow she was indeed sucking the life out of me. She became like some starved animal in a feeding frenzy as I watched and felt even more drained than before, and no it wasn't the food. I began to feel colder and colder and my ability to resist was gone, totally gone. She had me at her mercy and she knew it fully. I could do nothing at all to change the moment I could not scream I could not resist and I could hardly breathe at this point as all my energies seemed to be disappearing fast. I closed my eyes as it happened, my god if I ever had a true orgasm this was it. My body and soul screamed out with pure delight and suffering at the same time as I let go in her mouth. I shook like an epileptic on crack and cried out without a sound as I felt the last bit of my soul slip away into her void. I awoke the next day in my bed at home. Odd I thought was that all some ever to vivid dream? I went to get up and realized I couldn't move and there was something weighing heavily on my chest pinning me to my bed. I struggled to see exactly what this weight was but could not move at all. My bedroom door slowly opened and she walked into my room smiling like the Devil again and as I went to try and move she pointed her finger at me "no no no.. I didn't say you could move yet dear." I felt horrified. The bedroom door now opened further and I was somewhat shocked to see that she'd brought not only one friend but three. This was not good. For seven days they feasted on my soul the three of them, constant and relentlessly they took from me that which I could not replace. Feeling spiritually violated and completely incapable of any form of retreat or retaliation I was forced to endure this sexual feeding frenzy. I could do no more than watch as they literally sucked the life from me day after day feeding on my soul as if I were some fast food drive through. On the eighth day I awoke to the sounds of silence. The weight on my chest was gone and so was she. Not a sight or remnant of her or her three counterparts remained. I checked my package immediately to find all was as normal as could be. I jumped out of bed as if I'd just learned how to use my motor skills for the very first time, falling directly to the floor with a loud thud. I made it to the bathroom mirror and in my last moment of horror I saw myself drained of all my years and all my previously good looks. My face was that of an ancient old man, my body withered like a raisin far too long in the sun, I began to shake and cry like a child. The crying turned to screaming and the screaming to laughter as I lost what mind I had left. Shortly after I placed a call to the police as it was the only form of help I could think of. When the police arrived I told them my story in every detail and with conviction, but apparently they didn't believe a word of it as shortly after I was taken into custody here at the local mental hospital as "Clinically insane". If my last and only words to the readers of this story can mean anything at all, please realize that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is, and run, run like theres no tomorrow for if you don't I'll be welcoming you as my new room mate.

I am that which is darkness that which is light that which is fullest when I am emptiest that which is cold but burns with fires eternal I am that which is everything yet nothing I am The Void and I am deep So beware of me so be one with me. For I am all that which is.

Vast was the wasteland laid out before me as it had always been. A quick stop along the way well over it was time once again to move on. Grabbing my baggage I smiled hesitantly afraid to admit I might have lost my mind somewhere back around Albuquerque. There was a cold wind from the south this evening and the ever so slight smell in the air of rain. When it rains it pours. Without any other option I moved onward into the night. Silent. The cold sensation of being solitary swept over me once again as my eyes stared forward following the obscured path to my destination. Days perhaps weeks or was it years I had traveled this road and weary I am. Perhaps someday rewarded with the journeys end I shall find peace, but alas not today. A stranger ahead as there have been many. To take away my solitude and betray the silence with stories and tales of adventure, glory, suffering and pain that had driven them into the wasteland I call home. A stranger perhaps but treated as any other I walk in the company of madness. The smell of the soul ever so tempting, ever so tainted with the tragedies that lay in wait like a cancer only to rise unheralded and eat away the flesh of that which was once pure. My heart beats for them for they know not who they are. Or what. Tales had been spun and my judgment to be called upon as it has been and shall be forever again in vain. Words with no meaning reach deafened ears that can not find solace in the soundless night which abounded so triumphant despite the intrusion of this stranger. "Why would I care to waste what breath I have left in me?" I asked the stranger aloud. "But kind sir!" replied with the eyes of the guilty dog, "Your wisdom is great and your advice treasured but alas I know not wherein lies MY adventure." A sadness fell over me as I stopped again. How long will it take till I reach my own end? Reaching down within to find only emptiness where once there was a boundless supply I could but stare back at the stranger and replied "Son, your just plain shit outta luck." With a gaze much like that of a hamburger the stranger appeared to be mortified in confusion at my lack of ability to really give a rat's ass about his predicament and with a voice much like the voice of a frightened child the stranger spoke once more. "Please?" There could be no reply at this point that would not come in the form of non-physical violence, something I care not for, but at least have considered a possibility from time to time. In many years of my travels many strangers have I met many days and many years they come to pass and this stranger like all other would as well. There was no point. The stranger stared in horror as I turned and walked away. "What did I do?" was all I heard just before I turned and made the stranger go away. I walked on in my solitude.

Sometimes I have no words. none. That's when it hurts the most. When all i have is that rage. Rage. Like violent emotion. Upheaval. Uncontrollable. Not hostile. Violent. A sea of emotion. Raging Tossing me about and I lose control for a time. Sinking. Yet I manage to keep afloat somehow. For some reason I choose to swim. Never giving up. You'd think i enjoy this. I must. Constantly swallowing seawater. Dragging me down. Filling my lungs. Dragging me down. Yet I surface and gasp once again for air. I don't even have to close my eyes anymore I'm There. I see the swells of drank black water. I feel them pulling me down. Dragging me down. I taste the bitter salt on my tongue and the cold of the dark. Dragging me down. Dragging me down.

Compulsions of grandeur. Today I walk in the light. Aware of my surroundings and my knowledge my protection. My experience my wisdom and my wisdom is great, but here and now I am The Outlaw, one shunned yet befriended. Tonight I walk in the darkness. Aware of my surroundings and my knowledge my protection. My experience my wisdom and my wisdom is great, but here and now I am The Law, one shunned yet befriended. Who am I to play both sides? Both sides of lines well drawn. For is it my own secret to share to keep perhaps to find myself deep inside laughing at the irony of it all.

You tell me you love me. You feel the weight of the world. I am there for you, and you tell me you love me. You feel the pain of heartbreak. I am there for you, and you tell me you love me. You life gets you down. I am there for you, and you tell me you love me. You world comes crashing down. I am there for you, and you tell me you love me. I take a bullet for you. Yet I am there for you, and you tell me you love me. You feel pain. I am there for you, and you tell me you love me. I tell you that I love you and you simply walk away.

Complacent Agenda. Complacent - (com pla cent) – adjective pleased, esp. with oneself or one's merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied When I've pushed all aside for you you've pushed me aside for your own desires. When I've given the last that I have When I fought with borrowed breath When at my own expense I gave to you. You turned me away in defiance. When I've shown you the truth you fed me disdain and when I loved you without bitterness you instilled bitterness in me. When my cries for help go unheard and my life fades away Your needs always came first you had to go out and play. When I've shown you through example that which you strove to believe you put me on a crucifix, stabbed me just to see if I'd bleed. When in the face of vulnerability you twisted the knife and thrust even more. Yet when you heard my cries my anguish and pain you smiled and walked out once more. How many wounds must bleed before you believe in the truths that bind us. How many times have you stopped to look at the long traveled road behind us? Your spite, your greed to make your world happy Has cost you the life of the one you'd called Daddy.

Sexy as defined in Rob's Book of All. Sexy is that woman who carries herself well. Her mind and her body have become comfortably one with each other and her movements and poise reflect this. Sexy is that woman who can look in your eye and tell you exactly whats on her mind no matter how slow you may be on the uptake. Sexy is that woman who keeps you wanting more yet has not to try. Simply her presence and perhaps a smile would be more than enough. Sexy is that woman who can speak eloquently as to massage the mind and tickle the intellect. Sexy is the woman who cherishes a silver tongue.