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so right now im pretty bored but happy at the same time i got alot of shit on my mind...so in otherwords my mind is pretty fucked up right now i got alot of shit on my mind....women.....ok so not so much women im cool with them there cool with me...unless i piss them off..lol...but yea i dont get it i know im a decent person because when people have problems they seek me and tell me there problems and i help them 95% of the time i do a good job with the help i provide but then there burdens are applied to me and that stress of worrying about them sits on my shoulders and im typically cool with it...... so this girl who've i liked forever...and trust me she knows....came to me and asked me for help...well didnt so much ask as just told but whatever not the point...now her problem was she likes this guy she just broke up with and yada yada yada short story shorter he's fuckin up his life....well what the fuck why do girls seem to go to the guy that likes them and spill there guy problems to them WTF if only you women knew what kind of pain and...well i dont know the other word for it but do you women know what that puts us through its kinda fucked up and i dont understand it...if any of you can tell me please help me out but yea so thats one problem i have ummmm.... another thing my grandpa just recently passed away and he was so fucking close to me if only "GOD" knew what death put us threw maybe he wouldnt make that shit happen....my vendetta against god is a whole differant story...anyways my grandpa was amazing he touched the lives of every person he knew...he always had a new and interesting story...sometimes true sometimes lies but even the lies were believeable...some of them atleast lol but yea me and him had a connection like no other...i know the other cgrandkids were close to him to but well they just dont understand our connection and i guess im still grieving from his passing and it pains me to think i wont see him again in this world....that is if there is even another world....i loved him and he is gone he was at times the beacon of light when i was in the dark hall of life and now i dont have that guidance though i know he is happy in what he believed after life....i believe that what you believe on earth is what your after life will be like....anyways i know he is happy he spoke to me after he passed and told me so...he gave me his wedding ring about three weeks before he passed and its a constant reminder of him it makes me happy to think of him though it brings tears to my eyes...i dont fuckin understand grief....again if anyone can help me understand this please help... life is a fucked up thing you spend your whole childhood hoping and dreaming of a great life the dream job the dream house the dream everything and when you get older you life is close but never quite the thus depression now i know im still young and i got alot of time ahead of me but ive been out of skool for 2 almost 3 years now and i still havent done anything with my life ive had a few jobs lived in quite a few places and had some fun but i think its time to calm down and do what i need to to secure my self in life but at the same time every hope every dream i have is shot down by my parents and they dont back me on it...they claim to be loveing and support me in everything yet i want to pursue the music career and it some how ends up being that i need so many years of skooling and they aint gonna help pay for any of it i gotta do it on my own....cool im an independant person...stubbern as hell..thank you grandpa...but jesus christ isnt family supposed to be there to support you and help carry you threw your younger years... other shit on my mind im the only one who can carry on my name and bloodline in one good fuck and i cant seem to keep a girl in my life long enough to figure out what i like in women...i push them away sub conciously and that action forces it out litterally and thus my longest relationship is 3 months...maybe 4...but even in those i get so caught up in hangin out with friends i might as well have only dated the girl for a month...maybe even just a couple weeks so how the hell am i supposed to figure what i like in a women and figure out the girl i want to mother my children so i can carry on my name....i know carrying on your name may not be an honorable thing to many but when your THE ONLY person on the face of the earth it kinda is and i love my family so much i stress over it and it drives me insane...i think i need counceling lol... ive diagnosed my own mental problems and im damn sure im 100% accurate on it so here i go: im so far inside my head that i cant find a way out the only way out of my head is back the way i got in but to go through that its just gonna draw everything even fresher into my head thus i wont be able to forget it thus im still this deep in my head....but at the same time i dont even fuckin know how i got so fuckin far in my head so i have to figure it all out then back track and try to forget it FUCK THAT!!!! its never gonna happen so what am i supposed to do just get deeper and deeper into my head then eventually be in a room with white padded walls FUCK THAT TOO!!! so i dont know what im supposed to do about my mind i think thats why ive been at a stand still for 3 fuckin years because i dont want to get deeper in my head then i am but at the same time i cant fuckin get out so i just sit and wait for my oppertunity to get out but im afraid that by the time my oppertunity for that comes im gonna be so far behind in life that itll be to late so honestly WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!!!!!!!!!! idk im just so lost in life and i got left behind somewhere in the system "oh josh quit making excuses for you own fuck ups" FUCK YOU you dont know what has happened to me i left richland highskool moved to yakima and they told me i couldnt go to skool so FUCK YOU once you've been through that come back and tell me the same thing i just dont understand what im supposed to do i mean ive tried everything...well ok i havent gone to a fuckin psychiatrist yet but they cost so much fuckin money and i aint got any so i dont know what to do i try to tell people they tell me im being rediculous but im not they just havent gotton to this point...i mean for a while i completly understood why people kill other people....dont worry im way past that now i aint gonna kill anyone ive just been to that point...suicide has been an option before...i punched a church one time and the pain made me excited and i asked my self why that was and i didnt understand so i did it again already bleeding from the first punch the pain was double and the excitment was double "pain doesnt bother me right now" went through my head.....WHY!!!!!!!!! i mean fuck pain is the only thing that lets us know were still alive so when you feel no pain does that mean your dead????? well in that case the next punch i was dead....but i dont know if that load of shit is true or just that a load of shit....who fuckin knows...."josh you need to seek god" what the fuck is he gonna do for me what has he done for you made you go to church every sunday.....well i get to sleep in that day....this is about when i flip that person off....anyways another mental issue i have is a second me....no not a fuckin twin idiot two personalities...not the kind that make you crazy but the kind where i notice when Joshua is out and when Josh is out josh is the peron 95% of you know Joshua about 5% of you know if that id get into details but i dont fuckin feel like it....so again what am i supposed to do...no money...no hedshrink...no sanity i guess but yea thats it on that subject Hi how are you??? honestly how are you... see now i guess in a way you kinda understand how i feel when im talking to 5 people at once...online not in person....and there ALL spilling there guts to me i get this quit often see now your concerned for me you thinking to yourself what can i do to help him should i call him leave him a message but no 90% of you will either leave a comment or just forget what you read the few people who care are probably the only ones still reading at this point...i mean come on if you dont care about someone are you gonna read as much as i wrote probably not so to those of you who are reading and honestly worried for me thank you...please give all the advice you can but to those fucks who are still reading and planning and not doing anything not helping just gonna fuckin forget about me in 20 minutes and go about your day FUCK YOU EAT SHIT AND DONT TALK TO ME!!!!! now again to those same people dont just fuckin read this paragraph and suddenly change your god damn mind to write me i know your type ive been there your just tryin to keep a friend on gayspace to make you look more popular but by all means leave me a fuckin comment....so i know who you are.....but to the few people that are gonna write me and try and help not just drone out after they reply to me...and you know who you are your the people i have told id come to if i need anything thank you your a true friend and thats what this world is missing is real people and for being real with me you have my respect...also know that ill return the favor well shit i guess ill let you fucks go....both the people ive yelled at and the people who are cool your all fucks lol :P but yea ill let you fucks go so i can go to bed thank you, joshua
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