Bones The Most Controversial DJ's blog: "Memories"

You hear choppers all around, you see the dirt flying up off the ground, you hear screaming in the distance, houses being blown to bits, the sounds of gunfire close by.....your body shakes and you start trembling from fear This is the sound of war, the sounds many people will never hear. I was deployed for 4 months and heard every bit of it....it's hard for someone to imagine what soldiers go through over there. When people see me out they thank me for doing what I do, for serving, I appreciate that but every once in awhile tell me thank you for being a survivor. I am now on my way out of the Army, only God knows where I will go afterwards. I am a single dad of 3, I have a job lined up already, just need a place and I'm set. I was driving again today and another flashback came to me, this time it wasn't of Iraq, it was something different, it was me, older, my kids were teens, I was with a woman but couldn't make out who, was this a glimpse into my future? Or was it just a wish? I'm still thinking about it as I sit here and type. I don't know what really triggers it, I could be just walking or driving, no noise and then BAM there it is, it's like I'm on the sidelines, like someone is wanting me to see this but who? This can't be possible......what is going on with me? What does my life have in store for me?????

When I sit and think about what all I have done in the Army I think back to the night we deployed, scariest night in my life, they didn't explain anything at all, just where we were going and to drink plenty of water. I had no family there with me, my wife had just left me and took my kids, I didn't get to say good-bye to them, I called family on my cell phone and that was it, the hardest thing I did was say bye to my mom and dad, my dad was positive on it but my mom was upset, not understanding why I had to go, all she kept saying was that she loved me. When we got to Kuwait all we did was basically relax until it was time to head out to Iraq. We got into Iraq June 24th and right then and there I started shaking, I realized this was real and that I could die. I called family telling them I made it safely and called my kids, they missed me and wanted me home, everytime I called and talked to them I cried, I tried not to but hearing them say they loved and miss me killed me inside. My wife and I decided to end things after 6 yrs of marriage. Well that night came and things got more fucked up, I was admitted to the hospital and then got a Red cross message from back home saying my kids were in foster care and I had to hear everyday how I was faking everything and that I shouldn't be worried about my kids etc, I don't care who you are, my kids come first over anything. Well I finally get back home and get custody of the kids and all seems fine until the nightmares start, all I saw at first was the kid and soon it grew into the whole incident, reliving it over, night after night and then seeing stuff during the day, I hardly eat, I catnap only and since I've been back I've had 2 mild heart attacks because of this stress, the doc has me on meds for sleeping but I don't take them. They say when you die in your dreams you die for real, well I have lived that night in my dreams both ways and yes, when you die in your dream you wake up feeling pain. War messes with your head, the military tries to train you to deal with it but no matter what, you will always remember and it stays with you forever, I'm proud of what I have done in The Army and this will the experience will stay with me forever as will the friends I have made but now it's time to move on to civilian life again.......