You cannot conceive with what joy I embraced the hopes
thus given me of seeing the delight of my heart again. But,
as the term of months was assigned it, in order to divert
and amuse my impatience for his return, after settling my
affairs with much ease and security, I set out on a journey
for Lancashire, with an equipage suitable to my fortune, and
with a design purely to revisit my place of nativity, for
which I could not help retaining a great tenderness; and might
naturally not be sorry to shew myself there, to the advantage
I was now in pass to do, after the report Esther Davis had
spread of my being spirited away to the plantations; for on
no other supposition could she account for the suppression of
myself to her, since her leaving me so abruptly at the inn.
Another favourite intention I had, to look out for my rela-
tions, though I had none besides distant ones, and prove a
benefactress to them. Then Mrs. Cole's place of retirement
lying in my way, was not amongst the least of the pleasures I
had proposed to myself in this expedition.
I had taken nobody with me but a discreet decent woman,
to figure it as my companion, besides my servants, and was
scarce got into an inn, about twenty miles from London, where
I was to sup and pass the night, when such a storm of wind
and rain sprang up as made me congratulate myself on having
got under shelter before it began.
This had continu'd a good half hour, when bethinking me
of some directions to be given to the coachman, I sent for
him, and not caring that his shoes should soil the very clean
parlour, in which the cloth was laid, I stept into the hall-
kitchen, where he was, and where, whilst I was talking to him,
I slantingly observ'd two horsemen driven in by the weather,
and both wringing wet; one of whom was asking if they could
not be assisted with a change, while their clothes were dried.
But, heavens! who can express what I felt at the sound of a
voice, ever present to my heart, and that is now rebounded at!
or when pointing my eyes towards the person it came from, they
confirm'd its information, in spite of so long an absence, and
of a dress one would have imagin'd studied for a disguise: a
horseman's great coat, with a stand-up cape, and his hat
flapp'd . . . but what could escape the piercing alertness of
a sense surely guided by love? A transport then like mine was
above all consideration, or schemes of surprize; and I, that
instant, with the rapidity of the emotions that I felt the
spur of, shot into his arms, crying out, as I threw mine round
his neck: "My life! . . . my soul! . . . my Charles! . . ."
and without further power of speech, swoon'd away, under the
pressing agitations of joy and surprize.
Recover'd out of my entrancement, I found myself in my
charmer's arms, but in the parlour, surrounded by a crowd
which this event had gather'd round us, and which immediately,
on a signal from the discreet landlady, who currently took him
for my husband, clear'd the room, and desirably left us alone
to the raptures of this reunion; my joy at which had like to
have prov'd, at the expense of my life, power superior to that
of grief at our fatal separation.
The first object then, that my eyes open'd on, was their
supreme idol, and my supreme wish Charles, on one knee, hold-
ing me fast by the hand and gazing on me with a transport of
fondness. Observing my recovery, he attempted to speak, and
give vent to his patience of hearing my voice again, to
satisfy him once more that it was me; but the mightiness and
suddenness of the surprize, continuing to stun him, choked
his utterance: he could only stammer out a few broken, half
formed, faltering accents, which my ears greedily drinking
in, spelt, and put together, so as to make out their sense;
"After so long! . . . so cruel . . . an absence! . . . my
dearest Fanny! . . . can it? . . . can it be you? . . ."
stifling me at the same time with kisses, that, stopping my
mouth, at once prevented the answer that he panted for, and
increas'd the delicious disorder in which all my senses were
rapturously lost. Amidst however, this crowd of ideas, and
all blissful ones, there obtruded only one cruel doubt, that
poison'd nearly all the transcendent happiness: and what was
it, but my dread of its being too excessive to be real? I
trembled now with the fear of its being no more than a
dream, and of my waking out of it into the horrors of find-
ing it one. Under this fond apprehension, imagining I could
not make too much of the present prodigious joy, before it
should vanish and leave me in the desert again, nor verify
its reality too strongly, I clung to him, I clasp'd him, as
if to hinder him from escaping me again: "Where have you
been? . . . how could you . . . could you leave me? . . .
Say you are still mine . . . that you still love me . . .
and thus! thus!" (kissing him as if I would consolidate lips
with him!) "I forgive you . . . forgive my hard fortune in
favour of this restoration."
All these interjections breaking from me, in that wild-
ness of expression that justly passes for eloquence in love,
drew from him all the returns my fond heart could wish or
require. Our caresses, our questions, our answers, for some
time observ'd no order; all crossing, or interrupting one
another in sweet confusion, whilst we exchang'd hearts at our
eyes, and renew'd the ratifications of a love unbated by time
or absence: not a breath, not a motion, not a gesture on
either side, but what was strongly impressed with it. Our
hands, lock'd in each other, repeated the most passionate
squeezes, so that their fiery thrill went to the heart again.
Thus absorbed, and concentre'd in this unutterable de-
light, I had not attended to the sweet author of it, being
thoroughly wet, and in danger of catching cold; when, in good
time, the landlady, whom the appearance of my equipage (which,
by-the-bye, Charles knew nothing of) had gain'd me an interest
in, for me and mine, interrupted us by bringing in a decent
shift of linen and cloaths, which now, somewhat recover'd into
a calmer composure by the coming in of a third person, I prest
him to take the benefit of, with a tender concern and anxiety
that made me tremble for his health.
The landlady leaving us again, he proceeded to shift; in
the act of which, tho' he proceeded with all that modesty
which became these first solemner instants of our re-meeting
after so long an absence, I could not contain certain snatches
of my eyes, lured by the dazzling discoveries of his naked
skin, that escaped him as he chang'd his linen, and which I
could not observe the unfaded life and complexion of without
emotions of tenderness and joy, that had himself too purely
for their object to partake of a loose or mistim'd desire.
He was soon drest in these temporary cloaths, which
neither fitted him now became the light my passion plac'd
him in, to me at least; yet, as they were on him, they look'd
extremely well, in virtue of that magic charm which love put
into everything that he touch'd, or had relation to him: and
where, indeed, was that dress that a figure like this would
not give grace to? For now, as I ey'd him more in detail, I
could not but observe the even favourable alteration which
the time of his absence had produced in his person.
There were still the requisite lineaments, still the
same vivid vermilion and bloom reigning in his face: but now
the roses were more fully blown; the tan of his travels, and
a beard somewhat more distinguishable, had, at the expense
of no more delicacy than what he could well spare, given it
an air of becoming manliness and maturity, that symmetriz'd
nobly with that air of distinction and empire with which
nature had stamp'd it, in a rare mixture with the sweetness
of it; still nothing had he lost of that smooth plumpness of
flesh, which, glowing with freshness, blooms florid to the
eye, and delicious to the touch; then his shoulders were
grown more square, his shape more form'd, more portly, but
still free and airy. In short, his figure show'd riper,
greater, and perfecter to the experienced eye than in his
tender youth; and now he was not much more than two and
twenty.
In this interval, however, I pick'd out of the broken,
often pleasingly interrupted account of himself, that he was,
at that instant, actually on his road to London, in not a
very paramount plight or condition, having been wreck'd on
the Irish coast for which he had prematurely embark'd, and
lost the little all he had brought with him from the South
Seas; so that he had not till after great shifts and hard-
ships, in the company of his fellow-traveller, the captain,
got so far on his journey; that so it was (having heard of
his father's death and circumstances) he had now the world
to begin again, on a new account: a situation which he
assur'd me, in a vein of sincerity that, flowing from his
heart, penetrated mine, gave him to farther pain, than that
he had it not in his power to make me as happy as he could
wish. My fortune, you will please to observe, I had not
enter'd upon any overture of, reserving to feast myself with
the surprize of it to him, in calmer instants. And, as to
my dress, it could give him no idea of the truth, not only
as it was mourning, but likewise in a style of plainness and
simplicity that I had ever kept to with studied art. He
press'd me indeed tenderly to satisfy his ardent curiosity,
both with regard to my past and present state of life since
his being torn away from me: but I had the address to elude
his questions by answers that, shewing his satisfaction at
no great distance, won upon him to waive his impatience, in
favour of the thorough confidence he had in my not delaying
it, but for respects I should in good time acquaint him with.
Charles, however, thus returned to my longing arms,
tender, faithful, and in health, was already a blessing too
mighty for my conception: but Charles in distress! . . .
Charles reduc'd, and broken down to his naked personal merit,
was such a circumstance, in favour of the sentiments I had
for him, as exceeded my utmost desires; and accordingly I
seemed so visibly charm'd, so out of time and measure pleas'd
at his mention of his ruin'd fortune, that he could account
for it no way, but that the joy of seeing him again had swal-
low'd up every other sense, or concern.
In the mean time, my woman had taken all possible care
of Charles's travelling companion; and as supper was coming
in, he was introduc'd to me, when I receiv'd him as became my
regard for all of Charles's acquaintance or friends.
We four then supp'd together, in the style of joy, con-
gratulation, and pleasing disorder that you may guess. For
my part, though all these agitations had left me not the
least stomach but for that uncloying feast, the sight of my
ador'd youth, I endeavour'd to force it, by way of example
for him, who I conjectur'd must want such a recruit after
riding; and, indeed, he ate like a traveller, but gaz'd at,
and addressed me all the time like a lover.
After the cloth was taken away, and the hour of repose
came on, Charles and I were, without further ceremony, in
quality of man and wife, shewn up together to a very handsome
apartment, and, all in course, the bed, they said, the best
in the inn.
And here, Decency, forgive me! if once more I violate
thy laws and keeping the curtains undrawn, sacrifice thee for
the last time to that confidence, without reserve, with which
I engaged to recount to you the most striking circumstances
of my youthful disorders.
As soon, then, as we were in the room together, left to
ourselves, the sight of the bed starting the remembrance of
our first joys, and the thought of my being instantly to
share it with the dear possessor of my virgin heart, mov'd
me so strongly, that it was well I lean'd upon him, or I
must have fainted again under the overpowering sweet alarm.
Charles saw into my confusion, and forgot his own, that was
scarce less, to apply himself to the removal of mine.
But now the true refining passion had regain'd thorough
possession of me, with all its train of symptoms: a sweet
sensibility, a tender timidity, love-sick yearnings temper'd
with diffidence and modesty, all held me in a subjection of
soul, incomparably dearer to me than the liberty of heart
which I had been long, too long! the mistress of, in the
course of those grosser gallantries, the consciousness of
which now made me sigh with a virtuous confusion and regret.
No real virgin, in view of the nuptial bed, could give more
bashful blushes to unblemish'd innocence than I did to a
sense of guilt; and indeed I lov'd Charles too truly not to
feel severely that I did not deserve him.
As I kept hesitating and disconcerted under this soft
distraction, Charles, with a fond impatience, took the pains
to undress me; and all I can remember amidst the flutter and
discomposure of my senses was some flattering exclamations of
joy and admiration, more specially at the feel of my breasts,
now set at liberty form my stays, and which panting and ris-
ing in tumultuous throbs, swell'd upon his dear touch, and
gave it the welcome pleasure of finding them well form'd, and
unfail'd in firmness.
I was soon laid in bed, and scarce languish'd an instant
for the darling partner of it, before he was undress'd and
got between the sheets, with his arms clasp'd round me, giv-
ing and taking, with gust inexpressible, a kiss of welcome,
that my heart rising to my lips stamp'd with its warmest
impression, concurring to by bliss, with that delicate and
voluptuous emotion which Charles alone had the secret to
excite, and which constitutes the very life, the essence of
pleasure.
Meanwhile, two candles lighted on a side-table near us,
and a joyous wood-fire, threw a light into the bed that took
from one sense, of great importance to our joys, all pretext
for complaining of its being shut out of its share of them;
and indeed, the sight of my idolized youth was alone, from
the ardour with which I had wished for it, without other cir-
cumstance, a pleasure to die of.
But as action was now a necessity to desires so much on
edge as ours, Charles, after a very short prelusive dalliance,
lifting up my linen and his own, laid the broad treasures of
his manly chest close to my bosom, both beating with the
tenderest alarms: when now, the sense of his glowing body, in
naked touch with mine, took all power over my thoughts out of
my own disposal, and deliver'd up every faculty of the soul
to the sensiblest of joys, that affecting me infinitely more
with my distinction of the person than of the sex, now
brought my conscious heart deliciously into play: my heart,
which eternally constant to Charles, had never taken any part
in my occasional sacrifices to the calls of constitution,
complaisance, or interest. But ah! what became of me, when
as the powers of solid pleasure thickened upon me, I could
not help feeling the stiff stake that had been adorn'd with
the trophies of my despoil'd virginity, bearing hard and
inflexible against one of my thighs, which I had not yet
opened, from a true principle of modesty, reviv'd by a pas-
sion too sincere to suffer any aiming at the false merit of
difficulty, or my putting on an impertinent mock coyness.
I have, I believe, somewhere before remark'd, that the
feel of that favourite piece of manhood has, in the very na-
ture of it, something inimitably pathetic. Nothing can be
dearer to the touch, nor can affect it with a more delicious
sensation. Think then! as a love thinks, what must be the
consummate transport of that quickest of our senses, in their
central seat too! when, after so long a deprival, it felt
itself re-inflam'd under the pressure of that peculiar scep-
ter-member which commands us all: but especially my darling,
elect from the face of the whole earth. And now, at its
mightiest point of stiffness, it felt to me something so
subduing, so active, so solid and agreeable, that I know not
what name to give its singular impression: but the sentiment
of consciousness of its belonging to my supremely beloved
youth, gave me so pleasing an agitation, and work'd so
strongly on my soul, that it sent all its sensitive spirits
to that organ of bliss in me, dedicated to its reception.
There, concentreing to a point, like rays in a burning glass,
they glow'd, they burnt with the intensest heat; the springs
of pleasure were, in short, wound up to such a pitch, I
panted now, with so exquisitely keen an appetite for the emi-
nent enjoyment that I was even sick with desire, and unequal
to support the combination of two distinct ideas, that de-
lightfully distracted me: for all the thought I was capable
of, was that I was now in touch, at once, with the instrument
of pleasure, and the great-seal of love. Ideas that, ming-
ling streams, pour'd such an ocean of intoxicating bliss on
a weak vessel, all too narrow to contain it, that I lay over-
whelm'd, absorbed, lost in an abyss of joy, and dying of
nothing but immoderate delight.
Charles then rous'd me somewhat out of this extatic dis-
traction with a complaint softly murmured, amidst a crowd of
kisses, at the position, not so favourable to his desires, in
which I receiv'd his urgent insistance for admission, where
that insistance was alone so engrossing a pleasure that it
made me inconsistently suffer a much dearer one to be kept
out; but how sweet to correct such a mistake! My thighs, now
obedient ot the intimations of love and nature, gladly dis-
close, and with a ready submission, resign up the soft gate-
way to the entrance of pleasure: I see, I feel the delicious
velvet tip! . . . he enters me might and main, with . . . oh!
my pen drops from me here in the extasy now present to my
faithful memory! Description too deserts me, and delivers
over a task, above its strength of wing, to the imagination:
but it must be an imagination exalted by such a flame as mine
that can do justice to that sweetest, noblest of all sensa-
tions, that hailed and accompany'd the stiff insinuation all
the way up, till it was at the end of its penetration, send-
ing up, through my eyes, the sparks of the love-fire that
ran all over me and blaz'd in every vein and every pore of
me: a system incarnate of joy all over.
I had now totally taken in love's true arrow from the
point up to the feather, in that part, where making now new
wound, the lips of the original one of nature, which had
owed its first breathing to this dear instrument, clung, as
if sensible of gratitude, in eager suction round it, whilst
all its inwards embrac'd it tenderly with a warmth of gust,
a compressive energy, that gave it, in its way, the hearti-
est welcome in nature; every fibre there gathering tight
round it, and straining ambitiously to come in for its share
of the blissful touch.
As we were giving them a few moments of pause to the
delectation of the senses, in dwelling with the highest
relish on this intimatest point of re-union, and chewing the
cud of enjoyment, the impatience natural to the pleasure soon
drove us into action. Then began the driving tumult on his
side, and the responsive heaves on mine, which kept me up to
him; whilst, as our joys grew too great for utterance, the
organs of our voices, voluptuously intermixing, became organs
of the touch . . . and oh, that touch! how delicious! . . .
how poignantly luscious! . . . And now! now I felt to the
heart of me! I felt the prodigious keen edge with which love,
presiding over this act, points the pleasure: love! that may
be styled the Attic salt of enjoyment; and indeed, without
it, the joy, great as it is, is still a vulgar one, whether
in a king or a beggar; for it is, undoubtedly, love alone
that refines, ennobles and exalts it.
Thus happy, then, by the heart, happy by the senses, it
was beyond all power, even of thought, to form the conception
of a greater delight than what I was now consummating the
fruition of.
Charles, whose whole frame was convulsed with the agita-
tion of his rapture, whilst the tenderest fires trembled in
his eyes, all assured me of a prefect concord of joy, pene-
trated me so profoundly, touch'd me so vitally, took me so
much out of my own possession, whilst he seem'd himself so
much in mine, that in a delicious enthusiasm, I imagin'd such
a transfusion of heart and spirit, as that coalescing, and
making one body and soul with him, I was he, and he, me.
But all this pleasure tending, like life from its first
instants, towards its own dissolution, liv'd too fast not to
bring on upon the spur its delicious moment of mortality; for
presently the approach of the tender agony discover'd itself
by its usual signals, that were quickly follow'd by my dear
love's emanation of himself that spun our, and shot, feel-
ingly indeed! up the ravish'd in-draught: where the sweetly
soothing balmy titillation opened all the juices of joy on my
side, which extatically in flow, help'd to allay the prurient
glow, and drown'd our pleasure for a while. Soon, however,
to be on float again! For Charles, true to nature's laws, in
one breath expiring and ejaculating, languish'd not long in
the dissolving trance, but recovering spirit again, soon gave
me to feel that the true-mettle springs of his instrument of
pleasure were, by love, and perhaps by a long vacation, wound
up too high to be let down by a single explosion: his stiff-
ness still stood my friend. Resuming then the action afresh,
without dislodging, or giving me the trouble of parting from
my sweet tenant, we play'd over again the same opera, with
the same delightful harmony and concert: our ardours, like
our love, knew no remission; and, all as the tide serv'd my
lover, lavish of his stores, and pleasure milked, over-flowed
me once more from the fulness of his oval reservoirs of the
genial emulsion: whilst, on my side, a convulsive grasp, in
the instant of my giving down the liquid contribution, ren-
der'd me sweetly subservient at once to the increase of his
joy, and of its effusions: moving me so, as to make me exert
all those springs of the compressive exsuction with which the
sensitive mechanism of that part thirstily draws and drains
the nipple of Love; with much such an instinctive eagerness
and attachment as, to compare great with less, kind nature
engages infants at the breast by the pleasure they find in
the motion of their little mouths and cheeks, to extract the
milky stream prepar'd for their nourishment.
But still there was no end of his vigour: this double
discharge had so far from extinguish'd his desires, for that
time, that it had not even calm'd them; and at his age, de-
sires are power. He was proceeding then amazingly to push it
to a third triumph, still without uncasing, if a tenderness,
natural to true love, had not inspir'd me with self-denial
enough to spare, and not overstrain him: and accordingly,
entreating him to give himself and me quarter, I obtain'd,
at length, a short suspension of arms, but not before he had
exultingly satisfy'd me that he gave out standing.
The remainder of the night, with what we borrow'd upon
the day, we employ'd with unweary'd fervour in celebrating
thus the festival of our re-meeting; and got up pretty late
in the morning, gay, brisk and alert, though rest had been a
stranger to us: but the pleasures of love had been to us,
what the joy of victory is to an army; repose, refreshment,
everything.
The journey into the country being now entirely out of
the question, and orders having been given over-night for
turning the horses' heads towards London, we left the inn as
soon as we had breakfasted, not without a liberal distribu-
tion of the tokens of my grateful sense of the happiness I
had met with in it.
Charles and I were in my coach; the captain and my com-
panion in a chaise hir'd purposely for them, to leave us the
conveniency of a tete-a-tete.
Here, on the road, as the tumult of my senses was toler-
ably compos'd, I had command enough to head to break properly
to him the course of life that the consequence of my separa-
tion from him had driven me into: which, at the same time
that he tenderly deplor'd with me, he was the less shocked
at; as, on reflecting how he had left me circumstanc'd, he
could not be entirely unprepar'd for it.
But when I opened the state of my fortune to him, and
with that sincerity which, from me to him, was so much a
nature in me, I begg'd of him his acceptance of it, on his
own terms. I should appear to you perhaps too partial to my
passion, were I to attempt the doing his delicacy justice.
I shall content myself then with assuring you, that after
his flatly refusing the unreserv'd, unconditional donation
that I long persecuted him in vain to accept, it was at
length, in obedience to his serious commands (for I stood
out unaffectedly, till he exerted the sovereign authority
which love had given him over me), that I yielded my consent
to waive the remonstrance I did not fail of making strongly
to him, against his degrading himself, and incurring the
reflection, however unjust, of having, for respects of for-
tune, barter'd his honour for infamy and prostitution, in
making one his wife, who thought herself too much honour'd
in being but his mistress.
The plea of love then over-ruling all objections,
Charles, entirely won with the merit of my sentiments for
him, which he could not but read the sincerity of in a heart
ever open to him, oblig'd me to receive his hand, by which
means I was in pass, among other innumerable blessings, to
bestow a legal parentage on those fine children you have
seen by this happiest of matches.
Thus at length, I got snug into port, where, in the
bosom of virtue, I gather'd the only uncorrupt sweets: where,
looking back on the course of vice I had run, and comparing
its infamous blandishments with the infinitely superior joys
of innocence, I could not help pitying, even in point of
taste, those who, immers'd in gross sensuality, are insen-
sible to the so delicate charms of VIRTUE, than which even
PLEASURE has not a greater friend, nor than VICE a greater
enemy. Thus temperance makes men lords over those pleasures
that intemperance enslaves them to: the one, parent of
health, vigour, fertility, cheerfulness, and every other
desirable good of life; the other, of diseases, debility,
barrenness, self-loathing, with only every evil incident to
human nature.
You laugh, perhaps, at this tail-piece of morality, ex-
tracted from me by the force of truth, resulting from com-
par'd experiences: you think it, no doubt, out of place, out
of character; possibly too you may look on it as the paltry
finesse of one who seeks to mask a devotee to Vice under a
rag of a veil, impudently smuggled from the shrine of Virtue:
just as if one was to fancy one's self compleatly disguised
at a masquerade, with no other change of dress than turning
one's shoes into slippers; or, as if a writer should think to
shield a treasonable libel, by concluding it with a formal
prayer for the King. But, independent of my flattering my-
self that you have a juster opinion of my sense and sincerity,
give me leave to represent to you, that such a supposition is
even more injurious to Virtue than to me: since, consistently
with candour and good-nature, it can have no foundation but
in the falsest of fears, that its pleasures cannot stand in
comparison with those of Vice; but let truth dare to hold it
up in its most alluring light: then mark, how spurious, how
low of taste, how comparatively inferior its joys are to those
which Virtue gives sanction to, and whose sentiments are not
above making even a sauce for the senses, but a sauce of the
highest relish; whilst Vices are the harpies that infect and
foul the feast. The paths of Vice are sometimes strew'd with
roses, but then they are for ever infamous for many a thorn,
for many a canker-worm: those of Virtue are strew'd with roses
purely, and those eternally unfading ones.
If you do me then justice, you will esteem me perfectly
consistent in the incense I burn to Virtue. If I have painted
Vice in all its gayest colours, if I have deck'd it with flow-
ers, it has been solely in order to make the worthier, the
solemner sacrifice of it, to Virtue.
You know Mr. C*** O***, you know his estate, his worth,
and good sense: can you, will you pronounce it ill meant, at
least of him, when anxious for his son's morals, with a view
to form him to virtue, and inspire him with a fix'd, a
rational contempt for vice, he condescended to be his master
of the ceremonies, and led him by the hand thro' the most
noted bawdy-houses in town, where he took care he should be
familiarized with all those scenes of debauchery, so fit to
nauseate a good taste? The experiment, you will cry, is
dangerous. True, on a fool: but are fools worth so much
attention?
I shall see you soon, and in the mean time think
candidly of me, and believe me ever,
MADAM,
Yours, etc., etc., etc.,
THE END