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What are you waiting for?
The nightmare returned..
Darkness has fallen around me.
I find myself huddled next to a campfire.
The wind is howling relentlessly.In the distance I can hear the monsters.
The demons that exist with my mind and souls;
They have taken form and are hunting for me.
My fire is slowly dying this night.
I can hear the demons encircling ever closer.
I gather myself closer to the fire,
Attempting to brace myself for what is to come.
I can sense the great leader of these demons approaching.
His dark, twisted voice speaks to me.
"It is your fault, you know?
You allowed all of this to happen.
You are too weak.
All of the abuse, your pain, your suffering.
You are to blame for everything.
If you had been stronger,
None of this would have ever happened.
And because you were not strong enough,
You now will be destroyed by that which haunts you."
I stand and turn to face my greatest demon.
Just before he extinguished the fire,
I can see the demons face.
I witness the truth I had been running from.
My greatest demon...
Is me
Whether it is emotional or physical, every pain has a root cause. And if there is a cause, there should be a way to change or fix it. So I hoped that of I thought about it rationally, an answer to my depression would come.
Alas, were it so simple...
I find myself trapped in this loop. Just simply going through the motions.. I am not really living.. hell I am barely existing.
There was a time, a long time ago... I had dreams. I had goals, plans. I wanted to be a father. A husband. Wanted a great career and successful career that would help me support the ones I love. I wanted to change the world. Or at least the minds of many those in this world. Wanted to make this a better place, not just for us but for generations to come.. I wanted to see people happy. And excited to be alive and proud of where they came from. I wanted to be beacon that stirred the tides of change...
But in one brief moment... it all died.
And i spent the next 10 years drifting. I turned to the body, the bottle, and the blade.. simply to numb the pain. It worked for a time... but the moments I felt content were temporary. It never lasted.
I wish I could find myself again.. find the me I lost.. but I don't know how. To live for myself has been the hardest thing I've ever done... and I truly do not know how.
All I've wanted.. all I've dreamed of... all I've done.... has been out of love. And without love... I don't know how to fight. How to live. How to be me...
So now I find myself lost in the dark.. I feel alone and broken. Stuck in a life that has no point or meaning...
I have found a problem I don't know how to fix. A wound that cannot heal. A riddle i cannot solve. I do not know what to do or where to go from here.
I am truly lost...
I wish I wasnt so pathetic.
I wish I was as strong as some think I am..
I wish I didn't suffer from depression.
I wish I wasn't always drowning in despair.
I wish I were a better son and brother.
I wish I were a better friend and lover
I wish I could change my past,
But I also wish I could relive it again.
Iwish I could forget the pain,
And remember the pleasure
I wish I hadn't wasted time and emotion on the unworthy.
I wish people hadn't wasted time on me when I was unworthy.
I wish I wasn't falling apart.I wish the years would no longer fall.
I wish I wasn't forced to endure alone.
I wish that, for my mistakes, I could atone.
I wish I didn't feel empty and broken.
I wish that I didn't feel so lost without love.
I wish I still believed in hope.
I wish I believed love can heal everything.
I wish that love could be real and true.
I wish I cared enough to keep fighting.
I wish I believed in myself.
I wish I still had dreams and goals.
I wish all these wishes werent a practice in futility.
Now I only have a single wish left.
I wish to to die.
I wish to know a silent peace.
I wish...
"I found some letters from you today.
There was no fighting the tears as they fell.
So many memories came back.I found myself lost in the flood.
But, then it was a different.
The sadness faded, and was replaced.
A different memory took hold.
And it made me understand.
Even when I was young, I had views that were different
and its never really changed.
No matter where I travel.
Or what I'm doing with my life.
Love is what is most important.
It makes the journey worth the struggle
.I never felt like I belonged in this world.
That I was just crazy.
But you made me realize..
That despite the difficulties we faced.
Despite the obstacles and detours.
You made me realize
I was almost right.
Love will always be what makes the Journey in Life worth traveling.
Everyone has their own views.
Their own reasons to walk their path
.And for so long I always believed this.
That Love was the destination I dreamed of.
And that is where I was incorrect.
I finally see my mistake.
Love was never supposed to be the destination.
To live my life to the fullest!
That should be the destination.
And love?
Love is what makes the struggles on this path worth it.
Love should be a part of the journey.
Perhaps now I'm finally right?
Or Hell.. Perhaps I'm just an idealist fool."
Woke up feeling like I was drowning in my own tears. I couldn't even find my voice to scream anymore. The memories, the pain, the guilt.. It still kills me even after all these years. 6 days until 8 years since I lost my dear Selena.
There are memories.. Both good and bad. That I will never be able to forget. She didn't just pluck at my heart strings. She took the instrument, destroyed it, and rebuilt it from the ground up. And then created music with me like the world has never heard.
I'll never forget. She showed me what true love is. What it means to love and to be loved. Purely. Without hesitation. Without doubts. Without hiding anything.
Both of these memories have only been told to a select few. This will be the first time for me to say it so everyone could know. I've been so hurt, so ashamed, so broken. I was not strong enough. And it destroyed me. So very few were told of my hell...
The first memory that hit me tonight was the night I proposed. She went out for a day with the girls. And while she was gone I filled her apartment with flowers. Made it a jungle, made of Stargazer Lillies. It was her favorite flower. I got us dinner, and made her favorite desert. Oh, how she loved the way I made cherry cheesecake.
When she came home, I saw the look of shock and happiness in her eyes. She saw the jungle, smelled the food. She looked at me, but no words escaped her lips. I took a knee, and asked this Angel to marry me. She fell to her knees in tears. Hugged me close, and then she whispered in my ear "Yes, my sweet. I have always been your Harley and you will always be my Joker"
So on Halloween of 2006 we were wed. And as per her request, It was a themed wedding. It was a DC comics Wedding. With the Bride and Groom being Harley Quinn and The Joker. It was a truly amazing event. Never have I seen a happier day in my life.
We had planned to go back to where My family lived the following year. Renew our vows and do a second wedding for the family.. But that plan never happened..
Such happiness was not mine to have for very long.
2 weeks later, on that terrible day I lost everything. November 14th. I have not worked on that day since..
I was still in the Army at that time. We were doing training and preparing for the unit's next deployment. She texted me earlier in the day, saying the contractions were getting really painful and she wanted to go to the doctor when I got home. I requested to take the rest of the day off, after my lunch. 1st Sergeant told me that it was fine. He just asked that I kept him updated on her status. I sent my soldiers to lunch while I stayed back and guarded the gear. When they returned an hour later from their lunch, I left work for the day.
I made my way home. I sent her a text, but she never answered. I just figured she was resting till I was able to get home.
When I got home, I saw that the door was ajar. Which, immediately had me worried. Selena never left the door open. She was very adamant when it came to security.
I stepped inside quickly and started to call her name. But, what I saw within left me without breath and without voice.
I saw my darling Selena lying in the living room, covered in blood. I dropped my stuff and ran to her. I immediately checked to see if she was breathing. When I saw she was still alive, I went to grab my first-aid kit. As I started to step away her weak hand grabbed my wrist. She smiled weakly, asked me to not leave. I kneeled back down and held her close.
These final moments lasted so long. She had much to say. She told me who did this. Asked that I do not seek vengeance. For, only in me is there a way to break the chain. Only I could break the unending circle of hate.
She continued to speak. About how I've grown, how I've changed. That I was so much better. I was stronger. But, I cannot let this destroy me. She also spoke of the things she wanted me to do. The way She felt I needed to live. She had a great dream. One that I shared. One of peace, of tolerance. And she asked that I carry on her dream.
I promised her, the dream would never die.
She smiled weakly, her bright and beautiful eyes were so much dimmer than before. She placed a hand on my cheek and told me "I will always love my Joker"
I can never forget her final words. "You will break the chain. You are the torch. You will burn away those hatreds. But, as you fight for our dream. Don't let it consume you. Even if you cannot see our dream through, promise me one thing. Never give up on love. Love was always what made you strongest. Never give up my sweet."
At that moment I knew. She put her hands together on her lap. and leaned back against me. I just held her until she released her final breath.
And at that moment, I lost it all. I knew everything I fought for, everything I lived for was gone. At that moment the tears fell like never before.
6 hours later, My 1st Sergeant showed up at the house to check up on me and Selena. I never called him to tell him how she was. And he found me kneeled on the floor, holding her in silence. He saw the scene, walked up to me, placed a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him with the tears still in my eyes. He told me "I'll take care of it. You stay with her"
And he did. He took care of nearly everything. He was there with me when I was questioned on what happened. When I had to replay the scene in my head so many times to so many people. And when I couldn't handle being around people any longer. It was he who took me to the hospital for psychiatric help. I stayed in the hospital for quite a time. While I was in he continued to take care of everything for me. When i left the military a couple months after Selena's death, it was he who'd pushed to make sure I left with an Honorable Discharge.
For so many years this has haunted both my dreams and my waking moments. I'd found a love, so pure and so true. One that so many only dream of. And I was not strong enough to keep it. To protect it. I failed her.. But even in the last moments.. She never hated me for failing her. Which destroys me even more.
This has always been my deepest regret, my greatest shame.. The Hell I suffer within my own mind. And why very few have never heard this.
It was on that day.. I lost everything. The life I was living, THe love I had found, My darlin angel Selena, and I lost my mind. Shattered and broken. I left that world behind. And since that day.. I have been running...
I look at my life through tear-stained glasses. I'm not happy with the things in my life. Just very little actually feels right anymore..
Today marks exactly 3 years since my last relationship... not the best one I ever had either... I guess I am feeling a bit of loneliness, but it's more than just that..
I feel like a stranger in my own life. Not wanted, not belonging. Anywhere.
I see in my life people around me. People that were once very close, yet now very distant. I understand that people live their own lives and it happens... But it always feels like I'm being left behind.. And I don't really know where to go from here..
There are things that matter to me. Dreams and goals that are so far out of reach. It tears me up inside, seeing these things so far away and drifting further..
And it's starting to really get to me... the fact that everything that I desire has become so distant, so far away, so out of my reach..
And it makes me want to shut down. Throw up the walls and isolate myself. I know it won't solve anything.. But, I know fighting against the hell that exists in my head is a battle I lost a long time ago. But, I feel sometimes that is still my best option. To step away and walk alone for a time. To silence my own demons. To figure out who I am, what my path is, and where I should walk. It's not been an easy road. And the grief, regrets, and doubt are but deep wounds. While they may have healed on the skin, inside I'm bleeding.
I've had companions on this journey.. Some stayed for a short time and then left me. Others are new to the journey. And a very few have been with me since our first meeting and have not left me. Not when I pushed them away, nor when I was no longer good for them. And I am thankful for all of the people who've walked with me.
I have a fear that sometimes I'll never be whole again. Sometimes I wonder If I ever was.
I'm no fool however, I know things could be much worse. I have a job that pays the bills. I have a home to give me shelter. I have food to keep me alive. But, just feels like there is so much missing. Call me greedy, but I want more in life. I don't want to just go through the motions. I don't want to just exist. I want to live again.
I forge ahead through the darkness,
The path is barely visible as I continue to walk.
The biting wind continues to blow against me,
Tearing thru me, cutting into my very soul.
I am a treasure hunter,
Seeking the most prized of jewels.
I have been called a warrior,
Many monsters have fallen before my blade.
I stood tall in my own nightmares,
One by one each of my demons met their end.
The path I walk has no light,
But this thought has never deterred me.
For, I am a man on wisdom.
Knowing that which I seek will not easily grasped.
Many obstacles have fallen upon my path.
Sometimes they force me away from my destination,
But there is a light in mind that guides me towards the goal.
As I walk I sometimes I wonder,
How many more demons must I vanquish.
How many more Monsters must be felled.
How long must I walk in the darkness.
But Once upon a time I saw the jewel I desire.
The pure heart of a true lover.
The raging fire that burned in her heart.
For this treasure I will continue to hunt.
For this I will always forge ahead and keep fighting.
In this world there are many treasures.
Many jewels that catch out eye.
But nowhere in this world is there a treasure that rivals mine.
For no jewel in this world is more precious that true love.
You found me in the one of my worst times.
The sky above me was absolutely dark.
And path before me was painful and unforgiving.
It was like traveling through a dense fog.
I could not see where I was headed,
And, I was uncertain as to whether I should keep moving,
Or try to wait out the storm.
Then you slid out of the fog.
You were but a shadow walking amongst the midsts.
Stepped into my life, yet, not speaking a word to me.
I saw those beautiful eyes of yours.
So lovely, so full of life, and of hope.
That look shattered my very being.
All the doubt, depression, anxiety.
Every painful memory was interrupted and cast aside.
You bestowed upon me feelings of Hope, Love, and Happiness.
And with just that one look, you disappeared just as quickly into the fog again.
But, I felt like you had pierced me clear to my soul.
And I was tethered, you were guiding me out of the darkness.
I knew not if you were simply a spirit helping me along,
Or some Angel in disguise.
But, that one moment made me desire to get closer.
To be near the one that saved me from the darkness.
I yearned to be near the one that saved me from myself..
And perhaps some day, return the favor and gift you with just as much happiness as you bestowed onto me.
She's completely captivated me,
Ensnared me heart and soul.
All I wish to do is stand by her side,
Throughout the good and the bad.
Take away all the pain,
And give her a happiness like she's never known.
The feeling I get when I speak to her,
I feel so light and free.
As if, all the pains of this world just melt away,
'Tis rare for my spirit to be so elevated.
I just never want this feeling to end.
But, whether she is mine to have or not,
My wish for her remains the same.
I wish her smile to be permanent,
And her heart to be filled with joy, unending.
The first time I looked her your face,
I couldn't stop myself from trembling in fear.
I worried I had reached my end,
For before me I saw the face of an Angel.
I know not where she came from,
Nor how she came to be.
But, the world around here seems to radiate,
As if her very soul gave life and hope to all things near.
I quickly became lost in her smile.
While her eyes sought to heal my pain.
As my nervousness began to descend into delirium,
I tried to speak her, but I did not know if I were worthy.
When the words found sound, they were nothing more than a stutter.
My life feels so much brighter and fuller since she found me.
I know not what to think, only what I feel.
All I know is I long to be near.
I hope I may one day be worthy for her.
For none have moved my heart like she has.
I only desire to give her my heart,
And stir the magic within her soul.
